Monday, September 10, 2007

Britney, that doped-up, train-wreck, poster child for Schadenfreude


Sure, the papers and blogs and Perezes and and TMZs and Breitbarts of the world posted pictures this morning of this train-wreck has-been with the paunchy gut, the mushy thighs, and the extensions that look like she bought them at Rite-Aid and installed them with bobby pins.

And sure she danced like an octegenarian stripper with low energy and painful corns on her feet, kind of sluggish and just not moving quite right because "one false move and I'm gonna pull a muscle!"

And yeah, she kind of didn't bother to actually mouth all the words in the songs she was lip-synching to.

But she still has a body I have never had. And I swear to god, if I looked like her in a funny little bra and hot pants and fishnets, I would totally rock this look at the office. I would walk up to people and slap my half inch of muffin-top and say, "You like it, huh? You like that? Well, get me my TPS report, stat!"

Yes, if I had her body (even in its current state), I would rejoice, my friends, because Britney's diet of Quaaludes and Red Bull tonics has done a body right, y'all!

If I could get this body as a result of hard-livin', Cheeto-eatin', pill-poppin', coke-snortin', stranger-fuckin', well, count me in!

Normally that kind of life yeilds a more zaftig-like physique, yet our little Brit shows that there is some weird math in this universe where TOTALLY-FUCKED-UP is on the Y axis and KINDA-KEEPING-IT-TOGETHER-AND-NOT-GETTING-TOO-FAT is on the X axis, and at the point of intersection, you can still see your ribs when you suck your stomach in, you can still wear hot pants and not look too digusting, and you still...somehow, magically...net $700k a month in royalties. It's really not a bad deal at all.

Until you decide you want to live with some dignity.

20 comments:

Cote de Texas said...

I agree with you, I would kill for her body! And every paper and person on tv and the radio is talking about how fat she is and how awful she looks. What a joke.

Brilliant Asylum said...

Ohhhh, that was so hard to watch. I can't believe how lethargic she seemed.

But I agree, she would look 100% rockin-bod hot if she just sucked it in a bit.

Leah said...

Oh my god, you are frickin' hilarious!

Leah

Mrs. Blandings said...

I am at work laughing out loud. No one said anything as entertaining as this about the shameful/shameless event.

decorno.blogspot.com said...

:) Thanks Mrs. B!

Meander said...

P.S. - you wanna be Sofia Coppola and I wanna be you! No, just kidding, don't want to get all freaky stalkerish on you or anything. But alas, someone who uses fuck as unabashedly in general conversation as myself. Unfortunately too many people who abhor that aspect of my personality (mainly my mother) are reading my blog, therefore I've settled for just providing a link to yours.
Love the Britney dissertation!
Have a fabulously decadent day!

ALL THE BEST said...

Oh Decorno I am crying with laughter!! I am right there with you!! I spend hours at the gym, try swearing off the wine and I still don't look that good!

Yes, I too would rejoice if a diet of Quaaludes and Red Bull would give me that body! Unfortunately we can't get Cheetos in Scotland. I'm sure that lifestyle would be more fun than exercise!

decorno.blogspot.com said...

All the Best - - No cheetos in Scotland?? Oh dear god, you are suffering. I think I need to send you a care package! I am glad you liked the post.

I love your blog. Sometimes I sincerely think I should just keep my blog *strictly* about design so I can be respectable like you, but I just can't keep my fat mouth shut about minor tragedies like our pal Britney. :)

Meander - you can totally count on me for the f-bombs. As you can see, I gave up on being dignified a long time ago. :)

katiedid said...

I just want to spit when I think I missed seeing this, and with no Tivo, I will have to try and catch it on the internet. You are sooo hilarious. I did try Red Bull once and almost lost my lunch. How anyone can drink that "stuff" is beyond me. I can see how it would make you thin as a stick.

Jackie Von Tobel said...

Too funny- She looks pretty damn hot for a girl who just popped out two kids. No stretch marks, no sagging boobs, even if it does take two bras to hold them up. I'm so sick of this world we live in where you are not hot unless you look like you just crawled out of Auschwitz. I'm sure the men looking at her aren't thinking she looks fat - just the fashionistas. Her mental health and drug problems are another story.

robyn said...

She clearly has bad advisers. While we watched, the room was silent. My girls, now teenagers thought she was a Godess 7/8 years ago. It's not whether or not she looks HOT, she's a beautiful girl. It's more about how screwed up it is that all the people riding on her glory then, would allow her to get up in front of the world when she clearly isn't ready to... it's just flippin sad!

Habitually Chic said...

OMG, you are sooo funny! I thought she actually looked good for a woman who's had two kids and her body is the least of her worries at this point. Lol.

ALL THE BEST said...

Thanks Decorno, but stick with what you do, I LOVE your blog!!!!!

A care package of Cheetos sounds great! I can stock up when I'm in NYC next month!

{RNVL} said...

That was the funniest thing I've seen since actually watching Britney's performance. You're hilarious!

beachbungalow8 said...

you guys, she's 20 something!! that's why she looks good! you can crank out the babes and thumb stuff the cheetos all you want at that age.

are you familiar with chris crocker? go check him on myspace.

girl meets glamour said...

Um...if that's fat then I need help :) Love this post...love your commentary, made laugh at work when I really need it most :)

~Kate

Sarah Jennings said...

It is so interesting to read Perez Hilton's blog where he calls Britney a fat pig...and there is a picture of him in the next post, with the fat just rolling out of his pants and his quintuple chin barely contained!

beachbungalow8 said...

i just saw this clip last night for the first time. most noteably she looked really f-d up. fat? didn't really notice fat. oh and what the hell with the, what were those, hair extensions? now who was responsible for THAT! come on.

Mr. Useless said...

I thought they were Hard on her too. I know a lot of women who would kill to look like this.

I know a bunch of women who have PAID to look like this, and still came up short.

my late nnight drunken rant on MTV:

http://uslessthings.blogspot.com/2007/09/what-ever-happened-to-class.html

Anonymous said...

I caught her on GMA this morning. The act is a trainwreck...bad lip synching and even worse dancing. I didn't think her bod was bad...I'd trade my 40 year old ass with hers in a heartbeat.