Yep. This here house number sign makes my shit-box look so fancy!
One thing that drives me fiance totally fucking nuts about me is that I have very definite opinions on certain topics, and I don't just think I'm right... I *know* I am. So, I was thinking yesterday about a few things I know for sure and was thinking you Decorno readers might have a few more to add to my list. Seriously. I want to do one long entry on 50 things that are wrong... now always and forever.
Here's a start:
1. Lace. Lace is gross and tacky. Even as an accent, it's always foul. I saw a woman yesterday wearing a lacy/sheer top (skin tight) over a camisole. It was such a desperate 40-year-old-couger-in-a-bar look. Lace is vulgar on your person and just lame in your home.
2. The fake-fancy house number plaque thingies people have made for their home (see photo above). Your McMansion or your McTract House are not glorious estates. You don't need a fucking plaque proclaiming YE OLDE GRAND ESTATE ON CHERRY STREET. This is what house numbers are for. For the uninitiated, they are little numbers that go on your house. Not a plaque on your front lawn or inset on some large boulder anouncing your home as though it's on the National Historic Register.
3. Calling your babysitter a nanny. Unless she lives with you, she's not a nanny. Quit trying to elevate yourself through language. It's desperate.
4. Car ranching. We live in a cute neighborhood that lacks garages in many cases. Our new-ish neighbors have taken to parking on their lawn when they have big parties so that (I am assuming) they can offer more street parking to their guests. Why don't the neighbors simply park a block away? Car ranching is bad for your lawn and worse for your self-respect. It's about time someone lets them know.
5. Matching "work suits" in poly-blend fabrics from Macys. My massive office building shares space with a government agency and the women who work there are like extras from Working Girl. A woman in the elevator had a khaki-green skirt/jacket combo that was wrong on a few levels, but was also skin tight and waaaay short. The whole look was clearly purchased as a set. Matchy-matchy is always trouble. Ill-fitting matchy-matchy is worse. Said government agencies should just let people go business casual... most people look better in jeans than when they are trying to play dress up and miss the mark.
6. Non-leather stretch boots. If you really need a weather-proof boot, buy Hunters or something similar. But if you must wear a bitchy, zip-up, knee-high point boot, it should be leather. Anything else looks like it's part of your naughty nurse costume.
7. Fake-fancy pronunciations. I have a friend who pronounces Aberdeen with an "ah" as in avacado, rather than the more down-home and correct "a" as in apple. This friend should know better, but likes to fancify words unnecessarily. Come on. It's Kurt Cobain's white-trash home town. There isn't anything fancy about it.
8. Having no proper sidewalks in an incorporated area. I get it if you live in the sticks, but I just get creeped out in neighborhoods with no sidewalks. My first house growing up was like this. There were probably some people car ranching, too. I'll never live like that again.
9. Fake flowers. I know that Miles Redd or someone recently said in domino that it's ok in certain occasions, but he's wrong. Fake flowers are always a bad idea. Always.
10. Target art. I don't care how lovely the B&W framed photo is, it's not very original and you'll be staring at the same thing 100,000 other people will have in their homes, as well. Just because it's a lovely birch tree photographed amongst the fog doesn't mean it's not this decade's Nagel. Take it down, call your local art school, and buy something original.
11. Tiffany. Ok, I am bending the rules here because Tiffany isn't wrong now, always and forever. Just now. Everything Tiffany you have (we have, that is) that actually says "Tiffany," let's put it back in the little blue pouch and gently let it go into hibernation in the jewelry box. Too much conterfeit, too many locations in bad malls, the Tiffany brand is just "mall luxury" now. Like Coach, it has lost its appeal. It's too out there, too common, too much a uniform now of a certain conventional look. And to the woman wearing the noisy bracelet or the necklace, she thinks it's this awesome badge and we just yawn.
12. Juicy anything, especially these little numbers. If you have 'em, admit it. Walk to the closet and throw out. You know they are over. Go ahead and let go. You'll only make space for better weekend wear.
13. Buying books ONLY for the cover. I know we've seen this book in Decorno rags and on blogs for months and months now, and I don't want to step on the tender hearts of my blog friends, but I don't get it. It's totally ok to buy books for shelf-appeal. I love the idea of organizing your books by color rather than topic, etc., etc... but even the books I have because the cover seduced me, only made it into my life because the content was also of interest. Having I Married Adventureon your coffee table and not having read it is just the designer-y version of fancy-ing up your suburban ranch home with a house number plaque. :) You know who you are, ladies and you're on notice! You'd better read that damn Adventure book now, huh?
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Labels: Things that are wrong.