Sunday, September 30, 2007

Things That Are Wrong. Now, Always and Forever.


Yep. This here house number sign makes my shit-box look so fancy!

One thing that drives me fiance totally fucking nuts about me is that I have very definite opinions on certain topics, and I don't just think I'm right... I *know* I am. So, I was thinking yesterday about a few things I know for sure and was thinking you Decorno readers might have a few more to add to my list. Seriously. I want to do one long entry on 50 things that are wrong... now always and forever.

Here's a start:

1. Lace. Lace is gross and tacky. Even as an accent, it's always foul. I saw a woman yesterday wearing a lacy/sheer top (skin tight) over a camisole. It was such a desperate 40-year-old-couger-in-a-bar look. Lace is vulgar on your person and just lame in your home.



2. The fake-fancy house number plaque thingies people have made for their home (see photo above). Your McMansion or your McTract House are not glorious estates. You don't need a fucking plaque proclaiming YE OLDE GRAND ESTATE ON CHERRY STREET. This is what house numbers are for. For the uninitiated, they are little numbers that go on your house. Not a plaque on your front lawn or inset on some large boulder anouncing your home as though it's on the National Historic Register.

3. Calling your babysitter a nanny. Unless she lives with you, she's not a nanny. Quit trying to elevate yourself through language. It's desperate.

4. Car ranching. We live in a cute neighborhood that lacks garages in many cases. Our new-ish neighbors have taken to parking on their lawn when they have big parties so that (I am assuming) they can offer more street parking to their guests. Why don't the neighbors simply park a block away? Car ranching is bad for your lawn and worse for your self-respect. It's about time someone lets them know.

5. Matching "work suits" in poly-blend fabrics from Macys. My massive office building shares space with a government agency and the women who work there are like extras from Working Girl. A woman in the elevator had a khaki-green skirt/jacket combo that was wrong on a few levels, but was also skin tight and waaaay short. The whole look was clearly purchased as a set. Matchy-matchy is always trouble. Ill-fitting matchy-matchy is worse. Said government agencies should just let people go business casual... most people look better in jeans than when they are trying to play dress up and miss the mark.

6. Non-leather stretch boots. If you really need a weather-proof boot, buy Hunters or something similar. But if you must wear a bitchy, zip-up, knee-high point boot, it should be leather. Anything else looks like it's part of your naughty nurse costume.

7. Fake-fancy pronunciations. I have a friend who pronounces Aberdeen with an "ah" as in avacado, rather than the more down-home and correct "a" as in apple. This friend should know better, but likes to fancify words unnecessarily. Come on. It's Kurt Cobain's white-trash home town. There isn't anything fancy about it.

8. Having no proper sidewalks in an incorporated area. I get it if you live in the sticks, but I just get creeped out in neighborhoods with no sidewalks. My first house growing up was like this. There were probably some people car ranching, too. I'll never live like that again.

9. Fake flowers. I know that Miles Redd or someone recently said in domino that it's ok in certain occasions, but he's wrong. Fake flowers are always a bad idea. Always.

10. Target art. I don't care how lovely the B&W framed photo is, it's not very original and you'll be staring at the same thing 100,000 other people will have in their homes, as well. Just because it's a lovely birch tree photographed amongst the fog doesn't mean it's not this decade's Nagel. Take it down, call your local art school, and buy something original.


11. Tiffany. Ok, I am bending the rules here because Tiffany isn't wrong now, always and forever. Just now. Everything Tiffany you have (we have, that is) that actually says "Tiffany," let's put it back in the little blue pouch and gently let it go into hibernation in the jewelry box. Too much conterfeit, too many locations in bad malls, the Tiffany brand is just "mall luxury" now. Like Coach, it has lost its appeal. It's too out there, too common, too much a uniform now of a certain conventional look. And to the woman wearing the noisy bracelet or the necklace, she thinks it's this awesome badge and we just yawn.


12. Juicy anything, especially these little numbers. If you have 'em, admit it. Walk to the closet and throw out. You know they are over. Go ahead and let go. You'll only make space for better weekend wear.


13. Buying books ONLY for the cover. I know we've seen this book in Decorno rags and on blogs for months and months now, and I don't want to step on the tender hearts of my blog friends, but I don't get it. It's totally ok to buy books for shelf-appeal. I love the idea of organizing your books by color rather than topic, etc., etc... but even the books I have because the cover seduced me, only made it into my life because the content was also of interest. Having I Married Adventureon your coffee table and not having read it is just the designer-y version of fancy-ing up your suburban ranch home with a house number plaque. :) You know who you are, ladies and you're on notice! You'd better read that damn Adventure book now, huh?

39 comments:

Paloma said...

I love your list and share many of the same opinions.

perfect bound said...

OMG. Give me more! I'm pictuing that Juicy clad McMansion homeowner and her "Return to Tiffany" chocker necklace now. You are so right.

the House of Beauty and Culture said...

The only modern designer to handle lace properly was Ferre.
Thank god somebody said something about that blasted book. If I see it one more time I won't be held responsible.

decorno.blogspot.com said...

HOBAC - I can always count on you to enjoy my bitchiest posts! This is why we all love you out here in blogland.

Iheartfashion said...

You are SO right on! Fake flowers and generic framed prints are two of my biggest pet peeves. There's no excuse for not having some real art in a house. I go to the RISD art sale twice a year and buy paintings or drawings for $20-$50, and they're great and original. And silk flowers...don't get me started!

katiedid said...

Can I add to the list:
1)Doilies on furniture, otherwise known as antimacassars. Does this fit into your "lace" catagory?
2)Add fake plants/trees to the flowers. Especially on the top of kitchen cabinets!
Although I have to say that when I saw fake flowers "planted" all the way up the walkway to someone's house the other day, I almost crashed my car I was laughing so hard. It made my day. I will try and remember to take a photo just for you.

robyn said...

My husband just asked what I was reading... I was actually chuckling out loud. You are seriously a hilarious writer.
Write a book!
You're so good you actually can convince someone who hasn't even thought about how ridiculous somthing is, that it's ridiculous.
Nice post and thanks Lainey, I didn't know there was such a thing as car ranching.

Habitually Chic said...

Uh oh! Thank goodness I can say I actually read "I Married Adventure" so I'm not on your hit list. I can also honestly say that I have never owned anything Juicy so I hope that will raise my esteem level in your eyes. You are too funny!

decorno.blogspot.com said...

HC - you can do NO wrong in my eyes. Seriously. You kind of set the bar for taste level as I see it.

ALL THE BEST said...

As always your post are so much fun to read and have me rolling with laughter!!

beachbungalow8 said...

hate lace. too. AND my biggest pet peeve is that "nanny" reference. a nanny is NOT "maria" who comes to your home for a few hours a day while you go to work or play tennis or whatever. that's a sitter.

also, can people QUIT calling an amoire and ahm-moi? even if you think you're saying en francaise, it's incorrect. don't. please.

now i have to go read my 'i married adventure' and all of the other odd, funky books like, the vintage social registers i have sitting around. you know, so i don't seem like a fraud and all.

Mr. Useless said...

im with you with Juicy Anything. Just the word Juicy pisses me off. What's Juicy? It sounds bad. cheap. pornographic.

Juicy Couture should be in the same class as Nelly's Apple Bottom Jeans, or Kimora Lee Simon's Baby Phat line.

But, they lucked out and suddenly got a better rep and prestige.

Mr. Useless said...

...but i like Tiffany. I bought the trendy DOg Tag pendent. and i love their Tiffinay Grand Watches for guys too. I want one.

Laura said...

Funniest thing I have read in so long. Keep 'em coming! Mind if I add you to my links?

Serena said...

Not sure I agree with your aversion to lace - a bit of the stuff on a Dior bra of mine turns it into a confection of sauciness that always makes me smile - but whole-heartedly agree on all the rest.

Anonymous said...

The only difference between "Target art" and "real/gallery-bought art" is the quality of the paper it's printed on. Face it, you pay four figures for a little black-and-white print at some tony gallery, you're still not the only one with it hanging in your house. Copies are out there. It's the nature of photography.

As for being against lace and dishes with patterns, this is dismissing vast, vast traditions of popular culture. What next: "Needlepoint, it's all lame." "Folk songs: crap." Quilting--Why bother"?

NM said...

i hate matching suits and the pleather skin tight boots!! aaaH! BUT, I gotta say, I thought Aberdeen was actually pronounced with the "ah" sound. Not that I've ever had to actually use that word.

Anonymous said...

You are dead on about these items especially the Target art. I was in a "McMansion" last night. Everyone was oohing and awing, all I could think of with the plastic flowers and sconces with candles was that I felt I had just stepped into a model home decorated exclusivly by Bed Bath and Beyond a modicum of originality...

dannyboy said...

okay, i didn't read all the comments yet so i don't know if i'm repeating but whatevah!
so i can see all of these things on the same person! little miss juicy walking out of her mcmansion w/ her "t&co." necklace w/ her lacy top camisole under her juicy outfit w/ those damn platform flip flops walking up to her jetta throwing in her coach bag reeking of michael kors blasting britney spears or thrice or kenny chesney throwing on her oversized dior sunglasses running to target to get that cool b/w photo she saw online that would look so cool in the hallway over the console table w/ a vase of fake flowers! phew, all in one breath...

dannyboy said...

one more thing i forgot to mention. my mom's friend let us use her house to have a birthday bbq for me a couple summers ago, she had a pretty nice house, decorated overly gaudy spanish, moroccan goth. she's an interior decorator! (that license needs to be confiscated) i being a total design geek start to inspect things and realize nothing is made of real wood, none of the metalwork is good metal or wrought iron, only like painted aluminum or something, what a joke! it all weighed about 80lbs! pffft!

Anonymous said...

but I HAVE read 'I Married Adventure". My mother-in-law had it on her shelf and gave it to me. She got it when it was new. It's a great book...and a great cover, too. And there's a shockingly good museum in Chanute, Kansas showcasing the Johnson's and some other guy who collected what has to be one of the best native African art exhibits in the world. No Joke.

I have a lot of 'cool looking' books around. I read them all.

Uvi03 said...

WOOOOWWWWWW,

Why are you so angry?

Decorno said...

Not angry. Just super judgemental. And bossy. Can't forget bossy.

cats said...

I made the mistake of making a similar statement on Tiffany to a friend, only to realize her boyfriend had just given her a silver Paloma Picasso Tiffany necklace that she cherished. Woops. I felt like a total bitch. But, I did register there for my wedding and their home stuff totally rocks. I love all their platters, dishes and sterling. And my Tiffany weave every day dishes make me way happier than they should, and I'm not ashamed to say it. (Well, maybe a little....)

cats said...

I made the mistake of making a similar statement on Tiffany to a friend, only to realize her boyfriend had just given her a silver Paloma Picasso Tiffany necklace that she cherished. Woops. I felt like a total bitch. But, I did register there for my wedding and their home stuff totally rocks. I love all their platters, dishes and sterling. And my Tiffany weave every day dishes make me way happier than they should, and I'm not ashamed to say it. (Well, maybe a little....)

Anonymous said...

O.K, you know what else is always wrong? The word SOURCED. It's everywhere these days on design and food blogs. Come on, sourced? Try bought, found, acquired, stole, jacked - hell, use GOT if you have to.
Sourced is used when a person wants to sound skilled at buying or finding something and it is super snotty and pretentious. Everyone please stop using it.

Anonymous said...

Ok, what about a 'Things That are Wrong: Gwyneth Paltrow Edition'; it's time...

Anonymous said...

Yeah, siding with the fiance on this one.

Anonymous said...

I love your list. I must be a total bitch because I could make a list like this for days. I was trying to narrow it down to the greatest offenses and settled (for now) on the way most people hang pictures/artwork. The decisions truly boggle my mind.

Nicki said...

I just stumbled upon your blog, and I cant agree with you more!! Mostly with the desperate attempt of those to try to be part of the upper echelons of society by wearing a giant logo of Tiffany or Coach. If you have true class you don't need to wear it as a billboard.
I have long had the opinion that Coach was the poor man's Louis, but now with the proliferation of fake Louis and logo mania I might have to change that.
Poly blends are NEVER ok, NEVER. Ladies, just because clothing items are hung together does not mean you have to wear them together. Especially when they are pastels (yuck) You look like a friggin Easter Egg! Cheap can be chic too, its all a mix with great accessories!

Anonymous said...

I have a co-worker who breezes into meeting with an enormous LV bag and some kind of "designer" rolling laptop bag, long fake french nails, and came to an offsite casual event in a juicy tracksuit and hello kitty t-shirt. she is 60. The term chav came to mind. I hate to use a euro term but it is so appropriate. I'm so embarrassed for her. I am wearing a Tiffany Elsa Peretti heart necklace that my husband bought several years ago. I know it is Tiffany but I'm hoping no one notices. It's gold, at least it isn't silver?
Either way- keep the list going!

Saga said...

Have you been driving through my weirdo suburban town? Are you going to discuss people who drive their Range Rovers 30 minutes from their McMansions to get to Whole Foods because they "care about the environment and want to support organic farmers?" This blog makes me laugh so I'm bookmarking it...is that cool? Now that Domino is defunct, I've been lost and sad.

Anonymous said...

you are hilarious and i wish we were friends!

Traycina said...

I truly hoped this list went to 50. Man was I sad when it ended!!! I like your sound-off, and agree on many levels. We are alike in our critical judgementalness and for that reason alone I shall return in the future.

Cheers!

Julia said...

LOVE this post. I agree with everything, 100%.

Can I add Cadillac Escalades and that tacky Barbie-ish Caddy pick-up truck to the list?

Oooh, and how about French manicured toe nails?

sparky said...

Hello all: Why not look past the trappings to see the real person behind "the worst thing?" Ouch, you can't be that superficial, really? Give it a try -- you might be surprised.

nc said...

My most favorate line from your great list, "Anything else looks like it's part of your naughty nurse costume."
Also, could I talk you into calling my neighbor a few doors down who ruins her lovely home by having flower boxes upstairs, filled with super-obvious plastic flowers. It makes me scream every time I drive past.

Sarah S said...

I stumbled across your blog and this is the first post I read. While I wanted to laugh I instead felt as though you were making an ass of yourself. People who love decor etc. should be first and foremost open minded or they themselves will wind up the butt of Tiffany's jokes for some other future faux pas, or, even worse, uninspired in their choices. Old trends will always be reinvented.

For an example of lace done right, see Sea of Shoes: http://seaofshoes.typepad.com/sea_of_shoes/2009/03/page/2/

Also, while I am assuming your comment on nanny's is aimed at the employer that is trying to show off for the sake of status, it is offensive to people such as myself, who spend over 40 hours a week caring, educating, and loving other people's children. A little respect please. Babysitters are generally thought of as people who only spend a few hours per week with children and are not expected to "perform" as professionals.

According to Wikipedia's Nanny entry:
Modern nannies may live in or out, like other domestic workers, depending on their circumstances and those of their employers...Uniform may still be worn in some cases, but a respectful standard of dress is more common today. Perks of the job may include a nanny flat and a car. Some nannies are highly trained, e.g. at Norland College or English Nanny & Governess School, but there is no restriction on the use of the word, so education, training, and experience vary.

With regards to Babysitting:
Babysitting is the practice of temporarily caring for a child on behalf of the child's parents. Babysitting is commonly performed as an odd job by teenagers for extra money, stereotypically, but not necessarily, by girls. Babysitters are often employed on Friday and Saturday nights when parents wish to go out. A babysitter is distinguished from a nanny by the term of employment; while some parents may have a regular babysitter they can call on at need, the sitter is normally contracted one night at a time, while a nanny is employed over an extended period of time.

I am aware I sound neurotic but it seems that being mean-spirited in connection with decor/fashion is the kind of attitude that fuels environments where people feel "less then" and girls are pressured into self-deprecating acts such as anorexia.

I am curious to read your other posts.

VintageSmith said...

Thank-you for bringing up that book! I saw it in so many photo shoots that I finally had to Google the damn thing and find out why it was so popular. Ah, the cover...