Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Killing time while the brine cools.


I am SOOOOOO tired. I want to sleep. But I can't because my t-day preparations must go on and currently I am waiting for my brine to cool in the basement so I can hurl my turkey into a big plastic bag and pour cold brine all over it and then let the things stew. Holy shit, I can't believe I signed up for this.

In the meantime, I have been enjoying the Best of Craigslist posts... something I don't do nearly enough, and here are two that were so funny I almost pissed myself.

FUCK YOU, CHORES

Fuck you, cleaning the fridge. How the hell do you get so dirty? I don't eat in there, I simply store food. What the fuck is that stain on the bottom shelf? Do gnomes have parties in here when I'm at work or something? Nasty little gnomes. And, for some reason, I feel really, really vulnerable when I'm bent over, scrubbing your gross shelves. Don't know why. So thank you for keeping my beer cold, but fuck you for making a mess of it.

Fuck you, paying bills. Every fucking month? Are you kidding me? I barely even watched TV this month, I still gotta shell out all that cash? And, while I'm at it, fuck your pathetic little late fees. They're small enough for me to easily ignore them but they add up over time. So thank you for the electricity, water and internet, but fuck you for your constant demands.

Fuck you, deleting old files from my computer. What man can make this decision? It's like choosing which of my kids to leave behind on the sinking ship. Fuck, this is killing me. I hate my old ass computer.

Fuck you, changing light bulbs. It's 2006, right? I was pissed when I wasn't issued a jetpack in 2000 (where's my fucking raygun?!?), but I figured by now technology would've at least advanced to the point where I don't have to stand on my wobbly chair and deal with this crap. Two bonus fuck yous: for scaring the crap out of me when I walk into a darkened room, innocently flick the switch and get momentarily blinded by that huge flash and terrifying pop! Also, for somehow convincing your lightbulb brethren to join you, causing a chain reaction that means I'm filled with fear whenever I turn on a light. Pop! Pop! Pop! What, did you all join in a suicide pact while I was asleep?
Bastards.

Fuck you, washing dishes. Yes, I know, you smell funny, and I know the longer I wait, the more weird slime stuff is just gonna accumulate on you. That's why I've pretty much switched to just using paper plates (fuck you, environment) and eating with my hands. I'm a caveman in an apartment.

Finally, fuck you, writing this rant.

**********


I am an IDIOT--But thank you for your concern.

Hello Everyone-
I posted about finding a very pregnant cat the other day. I received numerous e-mails of concern and suggestions. Thank you to all who responded.

I spent most of last night rubbing her belly and feeling the babies move and telling her it was okay that she was a slut. My mother came over and we decided that she must have 4 or 5 babies cooking in there. When she stood up, her hoo-ha looked swollen so we decided that she was almost ready to blow. I put up flyers and patiently waited and hoped that someone would claim their precious little girl. Hmmm Precious is a good name. Yes, I shall call her Precious.

I dedided that she should go to the vet as she looks kind of beat up--wow I am such a good person. I feel awfully good about myself for taking in this poor creature.
So as it turns out--according to the incredible people at Timonium Animal Hospital, she has a split eyelid, a broken tooth, fleas, a puncture hole in her tail, and her tail is broken. Poor baby! Now here is the best part, I excitedly ask about her babies and when they think she might give birth.

This is when the vet begins to laugh, then the tech begins to laugh. The vet turns the cat around and pushes something out. Well me oh my, it was a penis sans testicles. My pregnant girl, that I was so upset that someone would put out, is just a really fat boy.

So I apologize to everyone who responded and hoped for a kitten. There will be none. Also, I have adopted HIM and put him on a diet, flea control, and antibiotics.

HE is on the mend. I am currently taking suggestions for names though as PRECIOUS is not quite fitting and TUBBY BASTARD might give him a complex.

Thanks again,
I am an idiot.

7 comments:

Apryll Annie said...

The transgendered un-pregnant cat story made me laugh out loud! Some people are just foolishly hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Such talented writers, both.

Mackenna said...

do you have roommates, if so the fridge thing was definitely roommates

Richie Designs said...

omg that is so funny!!

Alkemie said...

Ok, this story totally split my sides I was laughing so hard. You have a wonderful knack for writing!

Karen

Cote de Texas said...

Fuck! - (just for you) this one is the funniest yet.

alis said...

it's 3:30 am and i just discovered your blog and i'm laughing my ass off! hilarious!