After a record-setting engagement, I am finally ready to plan this thing.
Here are my ground rules:
1) No attendents. That's weird.
2) No giving away of people. Also weird.
3) No rehearsal dinner. Everyone has been to a wedding before everyone knows what to do. If we don't know what to do, someone will kindly whisper "say 'yes!'" and that should get us back on track.
4) No Ramadan. As I have posted before, there will be no clambake the day before, no yacht trip the day after, no croquet match to get the wedding party "acquainted." No. No. No. It's a wedding, not a weeklong celebration for a head of state. There will be one event - - called dinner. We will stand up and say our vows (hopefully with a glass of champagne in our hands as we say them... I mean, I want to get the party started right away).
5) No ipod. I believe in live music and a pounding kickdrum keeping time to a Louis Prima-like rendition of "Pennies From Heaven."
Jason Parker Quartet. Photography by William Anthony.
6) No $6,000 gown. I have better things to spend my money on. Like a new bathroom. And a vacation or two. And, um, the drinks. My people can DRINK, I tell you.
7) No dress that I can't wear again. I fully expect to rock my sassy white cocktail dress on my anniversary... mostly as a way to make me keep the weight off that I plan to lose by next August. (Cross fingers for me now.)
8) No videographers. Icky, icky, poo. I do not need to see my big ass in motion. Still photography will allow me to edit out elements like, um, double chins and thigh jiggle. Besides, I believe in one quiet photographer sneaking around and not really being noticed too much.
9) No confetti and crap falling out of the invitations. I am not a third-grader, for fuck's sake.
10) No VOSS water. The restaurant told me they will serve VOSS water. Who drinks VOSS water except ridiculous people like Britney and Lindsay while they are getting trashed at a gross club in Las Vegas. I know it sounds unreasonable, but I am banning VOSS water from the event. Honestly, we live in the NW. Have you tasted our tap water? It's great and it will do, frankly.
11) No cutesy cakes. We prefer cheesecake, anyway. But no little fondant sparrows and twigs and the whatnot. All that stuff looks like Play-Doh to me.