I know some women who are so high-maintenance that they can't even fit their 4 hour hair process into a particularly busy month and then they have a 1" streak of white right at the roots. If you're that high maintenance, then doesn't it just defeat your whole illusion-of-beauty regimen when you fall off the wagon? I don't get it. Plus, NOTHING could be worse for a control freak like me to have to sit in a chair for 2 hours. I can hardly stand getting my hair cut and that takes 45 minutes.
Lucky for me, I don't want to be a blond. I know a lot of women who still think they are blond because maybe in their fairer and younger days, they were. But now, when those roots show, no way. No one buys their blond delusions.
For me - it's brunette always. Always will be. Lucky for me, the darker the better. Which is why today I salute my bottle brunette locks. Thank you L'Oreal Excellence Creme # 4 Dark Brown. Thank you for being such a glossy, gorgeous, dark brown but not-inky shade of brown. Thank you for only setting me back a mere $8.99 plus tax each time I need to re-apply. With the $160 I save, I can spend that on other superfun beauty products I have (sadly) discovered I now need like ROC anti-wrinkle day treatment with retinol. (this shit is INCREDIBLE. I just discovered it and I actually think it does more for me than La Mer...) and Drysol and laser hair removal. Thanks for saving me from having to sit in a salon for all those wasted hours. (I hate "pampering." To salon workers of America, I say, Don't you fucking give me a scalp massage. I have a job, for fuck's sake and I need you to wrap this shit up. I have things to do.)
My point in this post, other than singing the praises of the best off-the-shelf hair color around, is to talk about getting into beauty ruts - - and how to get out of them.
Rachel got herself out of a beauty rut this year thanks to Botox... I just can't believe she didn't do it sooner...
I have been in a few beauty ruts this year. Let's just get them out there and talk about the elephant in the kitchen.
Rut 1) My ass is the size of the QE2. I just busted through my "fat jeans." Some of you know what this feels like. Kill me now. I am not buying the next fucking size up. (I have a new diet plan... wanna know the secret? It's called STOP EATING.)
Rut 2) Same color of lipstick every day. MAC Capricious, you are on notice. I am breaking up with you for a while. I need to expand my horizons. I am cheating on you now with a lighter MAC gloss.
Rut 3)I have disasterously curly-but-not-curly-enough hair which requires a blow-out every morning and then sectioning my hair into 3, and then curling each section with a 2" barrel curler just to sort of beat down any last inch of natural curl. Does that make sense? It's like fighting curls with more curl. It's like homeopathic medicine. Work with the issue, not against it. It's like vaccinating you by injecting the virus. ...You get the picture. Well, I was in the mall a week ago and I saw this woman, and I thought, look at that over-wrought hair... verging on a "Girls Next Door" look. And then I realized it wasn't that far from my hair.
My fiance thinks I look like Jennifer Tilly. I don't. But my hair is just one more curling-iron-moment away from looking overdone like this. Ouch.
My hair isn't really rock n roll enough. It's safe and sort of how-can-I-appeal-to-men-today which is annoying. So, I am going to go STICK STRAIGHT at least one day this week. I have already mastered getting it glossy and I cut myself kind-of bangs (actually looks cute despite your visions of Flow-bee self-snip disaster). So, that's that. Darker, glossier, straighter, hotter. I think Kanye West wrote a song like that. Kind of.
Rut 4) I am not going to lie. My god is an awesome god. And when he gave me cellulite at the age of 8 and the awesome habit of wanting to hoover up any bit of food in my presense (thanks big guy! you're the best!) he countered this assault on my self-esteem (and ass, for that matter) with really fucking good skin. Like, really good. As in, I remember the one day in high school I got a zit worth even mentioning. Just one. One day. Almost skipped school. So my beauty rut #4 is that my misspent youth included some skin-wrecking habits: drinking (which is, of course, quite dehydrating) and not always washing my face after a long night out (some people call this "passing out." You say tomato, I say tomah-to. Whatevs.) So, I have begun getting out of the rut with a new skin care regimen that is restoring my skin to its former glory. (I seriously cannot say enough about ROC. Go. Get. It.)
Rut 5) Skipping manicures. I get pedicures regularly enough, but I was picking up a shoe at market in NY and another buyer was reaching for the shoe and she had impeccible nails and I had these craggly "no-time-to-shape-and-polish-because-I-write-a-blog-yo" crap-ass nails. Keeping nails up is NOT HARD. You know those 4-textured nail buffers that help you polish away little ridges until your nails shine so much that you don't even need to apply polish? They cost like $1.50. What is wrong with me? Besides, taking care of my nails means more opportunity to tell my fiance "Oh, I can't do ___ right now, I am doing my nails." Getting out of this rut should be easy. And good for me in many ways.
Ok - you made it this far. What beauty rut are you conquering in 2008?
Tuesday, January 1, 2008