Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Beauty regimen, or beauty rut?


I know some women who are so high-maintenance that they can't even fit their 4 hour hair process into a particularly busy month and then they have a 1" streak of white right at the roots. If you're that high maintenance, then doesn't it just defeat your whole illusion-of-beauty regimen when you fall off the wagon? I don't get it. Plus, NOTHING could be worse for a control freak like me to have to sit in a chair for 2 hours. I can hardly stand getting my hair cut and that takes 45 minutes.

Lucky for me, I don't want to be a blond. I know a lot of women who still think they are blond because maybe in their fairer and younger days, they were. But now, when those roots show, no way. No one buys their blond delusions.



For me - it's brunette always. Always will be. Lucky for me, the darker the better. Which is why today I salute my bottle brunette locks. Thank you L'Oreal Excellence Creme # 4 Dark Brown. Thank you for being such a glossy, gorgeous, dark brown but not-inky shade of brown. Thank you for only setting me back a mere $8.99 plus tax each time I need to re-apply. With the $160 I save, I can spend that on other superfun beauty products I have (sadly) discovered I now need like ROC anti-wrinkle day treatment with retinol. (this shit is INCREDIBLE. I just discovered it and I actually think it does more for me than La Mer...) and Drysol and laser hair removal. Thanks for saving me from having to sit in a salon for all those wasted hours. (I hate "pampering." To salon workers of America, I say, Don't you fucking give me a scalp massage. I have a job, for fuck's sake and I need you to wrap this shit up. I have things to do.)

My point in this post, other than singing the praises of the best off-the-shelf hair color around, is to talk about getting into beauty ruts - - and how to get out of them.


Rachel got herself out of a beauty rut this year thanks to Botox... I just can't believe she didn't do it sooner...


I have been in a few beauty ruts this year. Let's just get them out there and talk about the elephant in the kitchen.

Rut 1) My ass is the size of the QE2. I just busted through my "fat jeans." Some of you know what this feels like. Kill me now. I am not buying the next fucking size up. (I have a new diet plan... wanna know the secret? It's called STOP EATING.)

Rut 2) Same color of lipstick every day. MAC Capricious, you are on notice. I am breaking up with you for a while. I need to expand my horizons. I am cheating on you now with a lighter MAC gloss.


Rut 3)I have disasterously curly-but-not-curly-enough hair which requires a blow-out every morning and then sectioning my hair into 3, and then curling each section with a 2" barrel curler just to sort of beat down any last inch of natural curl. Does that make sense? It's like fighting curls with more curl. It's like homeopathic medicine. Work with the issue, not against it. It's like vaccinating you by injecting the virus. ...You get the picture. Well, I was in the mall a week ago and I saw this woman, and I thought, look at that over-wrought hair... verging on a "Girls Next Door" look. And then I realized it wasn't that far from my hair.
My fiance thinks I look like Jennifer Tilly. I don't. But my hair is just one more curling-iron-moment away from looking overdone like this. Ouch.

My hair isn't really rock n roll enough. It's safe and sort of how-can-I-appeal-to-men-today which is annoying. So, I am going to go STICK STRAIGHT at least one day this week. I have already mastered getting it glossy and I cut myself kind-of bangs (actually looks cute despite your visions of Flow-bee self-snip disaster). So, that's that. Darker, glossier, straighter, hotter. I think Kanye West wrote a song like that. Kind of.

Rut 4) I am not going to lie. My god is an awesome god. And when he gave me cellulite at the age of 8 and the awesome habit of wanting to hoover up any bit of food in my presense (thanks big guy! you're the best!) he countered this assault on my self-esteem (and ass, for that matter) with really fucking good skin. Like, really good. As in, I remember the one day in high school I got a zit worth even mentioning. Just one. One day. Almost skipped school. So my beauty rut #4 is that my misspent youth included some skin-wrecking habits: drinking (which is, of course, quite dehydrating) and not always washing my face after a long night out (some people call this "passing out." You say tomato, I say tomah-to. Whatevs.) So, I have begun getting out of the rut with a new skin care regimen that is restoring my skin to its former glory. (I seriously cannot say enough about ROC. Go. Get. It.)


Rut 5) Skipping manicures. I get pedicures regularly enough, but I was picking up a shoe at market in NY and another buyer was reaching for the shoe and she had impeccible nails and I had these craggly "no-time-to-shape-and-polish-because-I-write-a-blog-yo" crap-ass nails. Keeping nails up is NOT HARD. You know those 4-textured nail buffers that help you polish away little ridges until your nails shine so much that you don't even need to apply polish? They cost like $1.50. What is wrong with me? Besides, taking care of my nails means more opportunity to tell my fiance "Oh, I can't do ___ right now, I am doing my nails." Getting out of this rut should be easy. And good for me in many ways.

Ok - you made it this far. What beauty rut are you conquering in 2008?

22 comments:

alis said...

LOL, I can't believe you featured that product göt2b; "göt" means the most informal form of "ass" in my language; i can't see that thing as anything other than "ass to be" hahaha

decorno.blogspot.com said...

Ha! That is a crack up... I had no idea...
Well, the "ass" spray does wonders on my hair! :)

maison21 said...

"not always washing my face after a long night out (some people call this "passing out." You say tomato, I say tomah-to. Whatevs.)"

if there is a blog post hall of fame somewhere, that line should be in it.

i hope your new years resolution is write a freakin hilarious post EVERYSINGLEDAY.

happy new year, decorno, and thanks for making me laugh out loud.

Brilliant Asylum said...

I felt so liberated the day I realized that I look way better as brunette. I am with you when I say I HATE sitting at the salon. I seriously don't understand why it has to take so long to even get a cut. I usually go only twice a year to get things shaped, then I let 10 minute Great Clips do the trimming in-between. I have also started getting no-polish manicures. It halves the amount of time I spend waiting to get out of that chair. I love to be pampered, but being subjected to tales of my stylist's big weekend does not do it for me. I will take a (silent) massage any day over a day at the salon.

Mrs. Blandings said...

Decorno - I thought the whole post was great, truly, but I'm sure I missed most of it as I was stuck on "color my own hair." This can't be that hard, right? I'm...well, I'm scared. I'm not sure I can commit to this yet. But, the first day the boys are back in school I already have on my calendar "Creme de la Mer" and now I am adding the Roc. I trust you. I just can't say good bye to Shelby yet.

Anonymous said...

Drysol-strength anti-perspirant is now available over the counter (look for the word "Clinical," etc.). Don't know if it will be cheaper that way. My insurance pays for it now.

mamacita said...

Okay, this is the problem with manicures: more time (not to mention money) wasted in the salon if you want the real thing, but that buffer will seriously thin your nails out and they will break all the time.

And, yeah, salon workers: it's only pampering if you SHUT THE F UP. I used to get my hair cut by this one woman who did a great job, but I could not stand hearing about her stupid dog one more time. Why do we have to chat? Can't we just be quiet for a little while?

Anonymous said...

Mamacita just might be the best blog commenter EVER.

fashiongirl said...

My beauty rut: putting off the bikini wax. Those things hurt! And I don't care what Allure says, I've never found a bikini waxer that wasn't a ruthless paingiver.

Richie Designs said...

gawd bless you - you are so f*ing funny.

I had a holiday thought this past week that I might actually start a fire with the friction between my thighs.

thigh chaffing is so not a lovely way to start a new year.
----
my rut to change...less neutral colors [can you say black and gray?] and more color

Petunia Face said...

I love this post. My beauty rut is that I wear jeans every single day. Sure I buy other types of pants, skirts, dresses. But there is something about looking into my closet at 7am that screams jeans to me. And ballet flats. Comfort. I am lucky that I don't go to work every day just wearing my pajamas. Which is a good thing considering I sleep naked.
2008: the year of jeans only sometimes.

Forever Chic said...

Not to quibble, but if you have found the perfect shade of lipstick for you, appreciate it for what it is. If it's the perfect shade people will think "gee, beautiful woman!" rather than "pretty lipstick!" Ya dig? However, dabbling never hurt anyone.

For me this is the year of the make-under. I'm seriously curtailing fashion purchases (shocker!), giving up lowlights, and generally focusing on happiness and health rather than consumerism. It's gonna suck! Heh, kidding.

drwende said...

For 2008, I'm returning to ruts that I tried abandoning in 2007. My One Perfect Shade of Lipstick is, in fact, Perfect in a way no other is. And yes, life is much easier as a brunette. The best thing about my experiments with going blonde is that there are no pictures for me to destroy.

The important thing is to know the difference between a rut and a lasting, classic choice that you can't improve on. And it's not all that easy or obvious.

mamacita said...

there is a good discussion of beauty rut vs. a "signature look" in Jean Godfrey-June's book. (Good book, overall)

mamacita said...

richie -- yeah, we're all avoiding the corduroy around this time of year.

Jules said...

All this talk about remaining a brunette is making me jealous. I am a natural brunette, but unfortunately I have to give up my color and start going lighter. I am premature gray (75%, and all along the front) and after all these years it looks like my hair is now resisting the color (it lasts, maybe, 2 weeks). Sooo, in order to avoid going to the salon every other week, we're going to gradually lighten me to a medium/light brown and add low in hopes of blending in some of the gray.

I am seriously bummed about this. I love, love, love being a brunette.

Oh, and I tried at home color. Didn't stick. :(

Habitually Chic said...

I like to think of my beauty ruts as finally finding something that works. The only thing that gets me out of it is when I find out that the product has been discontinued. I like to think I have pretty good taste, but for some reason every lipstick shade I have ever loved has been discontinued. I'm sure this is some weird marketing ploy but it really just pisses me off.

I also used to be a brunette until I moved to New York. I still get a little excited when someone calls me a blonde, although, it's really just Jennifer Anniston blonde/brown. Luckily, my colorist is super quick and I only have to go every few months. She is also usually very quiet ;-)

Jackie Von Tobel said...

I am formally a natural blond ( ages 1-5) and a progressively unnatural blond for many years now and I hate the salon process more than the dentists chair. However I do endure it as I have tried the brunette path and it gives me a definite invisible women quality. I've tried to train myself to do it at home but several months of sporting green hair as a teenager cured me of my hair styling aspirations. I am doomed to linger and fade away to gray in the hair bowl.

Anonymous said...

I love how much better-written the comments are on this blog, compared with the usual "I love Albert Hadley!" "I love Mark Hampton!" crap the other design blogs are full of.

decorno.blogspot.com said...

I have the best readers. You people crack me up.

beachbungalow8 said...

one of my favorite posts yet. you do have good skin. i noticed that right away. i of the large pore variety. my god blessed me with oily skin and a touch of rosacae. i will say this, i now get his method, oily skin bodes well as you ease into your 40s. less wrinkles than i should have.

i also, got the bad hair spank. curly frizzy, but not andie mcdowell curly. just curly/straight. or 'textured' as one kind stylist once called it.

ok, enough about me. your posts are always fascinating and funny.

Things That Inspire said...

I read this post a few weeks ago, and just bought the Roc stuff a few days ago (I am trying to wean myself off of La Mer, it is SO expensive). I can't believe how great and cheap the ROC anti-wrinkle cream is! I know, I sound like an informercial, but I thank you for letting me know about it. I really can't believe the effect it has had after just a few days. Amazing stuff.