Hey, AD. It's me. Decorno.
Yeah, I know you're never going to read this. You're too busy driving your aging wife to her Botox appointment. I can't believe you guys are still married. You're always in New York and she's always at the Palm Beach house. Sad.
Hey, I wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you. There are a few things that bug the living shit out of me about you.
First - halogen lights. Halo-fucking-gen lights. In *every* issue. Uplights. Downlights. Spotlights. Recessed lights. Light-lickity-lights. It makes me DIZZY just to think about it. Who can eat under those? That's not a dining room, it's an interrogation chamber at Guantanamo. With lights like that, you could get me to confess to pretty much anything.
Second - Your covers. Who are these people? I mean, I like John Travolta as an actor, but he's not a compelling personality outside of his roles. And I don't think he's a style icon, exactly. So why is he here?
And this one. David Copperfield? I don't even think this one is real, to tell you the truth. You can't always trust those crazy Google image search results. But then again, you have Travolta on the cover, so why not DAVID COOPERFIELD. Crazier things have happened.
Third - Jennifer Post. I am not even going to explain myself here. You know why AD. You know why.
Fourth - There isn't much architecture in your digest. I know you remind us by telling us that you're a magazine about interiors, but come on now. Try to be good at something. Interiors or architecture. Pick one and apply yourself.
When it's doctor's office time and I am scanning the dingy magazines before me and my options are a Newsweek circa 2006, Highlights, that hard-cover Jesus book for kids*, or AD, the choice is clear (and it's not you). You're soulless and you make those big, expensive, decorated homes look incredibly lonely.
And any publication about homes - where we eat and laugh and make babies and raise them and feed them and care for the ones we love and live out our good days and bad... any magazine that makes a home - of all places - feel lonely, well, that's a digest of interiors I just don't need to see.