Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Things That Are Wrong: The Adulthood Edition




1. Asking for a ride to the airport. We're all grown-ups now. We all have jobs and 401Ks. If you're heading to Greece, I am pretty sure you don't need help avoiding the $30 cab fare.

2. Your baby is not a miracle. Look, most of them are "accidents." Let's just get that straight right off the bat. Your baby is cute and awesome and smells totally good, but it's not a miracle. The miracle is that I don't have 18 of them already, but that's another post.

3. Groups of women all wearing capri pants. They also usually have those "spunky" short 40-something haircuts. There is something sexless and weird about it. Avoid that scene.

4. Veneer.

5. Going on a low-carb diet and noticing you're starting to get what might be the flu but ignoring early warning signs and refusing to eat anything substantial because you're afraid to gain weight and then running into your friend Deb who convinces you to go to a "club" where you dance around in too-high heels and suddenly have two Red Bull/vodkas and then happen to slip and fall on the ground (because of the shoes! NOT the booze!) and are told to LEAVE THE CLUB, only to respond totally indignantly proclaiming your sobriety while your gay angel sits next to you on the curb while you wait for a cab and proceed to nearly pass out from your mad combo of flu/vodka Red Bulls/no food and then you find yourself begging the nice Somalian cab-driver to be your friend and help you up the stairs back to your apartment (he refuses) and then realizing you left your keys at Deb's place so you have to sleep on the inside stoop of your apartment building and then you wake to the shrieking of your wild neighbor (who you used to spend a lot of judging) while she yells, "OH MY GOD SHE'S DEAD!" but then you wake up and tell her you're just really, really sick and maybe - just maybe - a little drunk. This is not how a grown up should behave. Jus' saying.

6. Having a baby because it seems like what comes next. Admit it. This is how most babies happen. (Either that or "accident." See #2.)



7. The 16-60 phenomenon.Long, salon-aided flaxen hair, sinewy legs, deep tan... you've worked hard to keep yourself up, and the boys notice you from behind. But then you turn around and wilt their high hopes with your leathery old face. Adults. Learn to stop dressing like whory teenagers. Know when to say when.

8.Wearing t-shirts with anything written on them, especially your company, the launch of your company's latest "product," or the place you happen to go on your vacation.

9. Scolding your friends/companions into ordering something "new" at restaurants. Sure, you pride yourself on being so adventurous, but c'mon. That Greek place is so Greek-American. Ordering the new pad whatever does not a cultured person make, so lay off your judgement about us ordering the same fucking plate of curried mash every time we go out. Just sayin'.

10. Swinging. Not because it's inherently bad, it's just that the people involved always look like this:




Honestly, people, there must be another 20, 30, 40 "wrong" things in these adulthood years. Please leave yours in the comments. I am counting on your brilliance to punch up the funny on this one.

Contributions to this post by guest correspondent, Anon.


(UPDATE: A few of you requested other "editions" of Things That Are Wrong." You can find them here:
WEDDINGS
MISC
ENTERTAINING
THE ORIGINAL TTAW POST

131 comments:

Elizabeth said...

You didn't ask for this, but that penis airplane is so WRONG! I loved this post and can't wait to read all the additions.

Anonymous said...

Elizabeth--

You need to be hanging out with a better class of penis.

The Lamentable House of Pig Aesthetics said...

I love The Swinger's smile. It's like he has no idea how heinous the rest of him has become.

Anonymous said...

Suburban bunco groups.
People please.
Although it is the perfect showcase for the capri pants and Lee press on french manicures.

Decorno said...

OMG, bunco. How could I have missed that.
THANK YOU.

Anonymous said...

When guys on craigslist use the word "hairy" as a euphemism for "fat."

Tara.Fields said...

I'd say end of college (and that excludes grad school) is the absolute latest one can identify with a specific image or group like "rockabilly" or "goth" in any way other than recreationally, by which I mean on some weekends. As adults we get to explore fetishes IN PRIVATE instead.

Elizabeth said...

Any of the direct marketing crap.

Pampered Chef
Stampin' Up
Tupperware
Naughty Parties...

Don't invite me to anymore damn "parties"...I don't need any of that shit that I buy just because I feel guilty and want you to get your fucking hostess gift. I would never subject my friends to shit like this, so why do it to me?

Scrapbooking.

Anon 8:03 - I won't tell my husband you said that!

Anonymous said...

You should do this more often. I love it. I guess there should be more wrong things in the world, just so I can read more of these.

Jules said...

I have a question, not a comment, about #3 & 6. What is an appropriate length/style hair for the mid-30 w/kids crowd? I get how mom-hair is bad. But lately I've been seeing the opposite, a style I call RockStar Momz. Moms/women in their mid to late 30s with really long sex kitten hair. It looks cheap and forced. Black with white stripes; blonde with black stripes; black with purple chunks framing the front; waist length bleach blonde...it looks like someone trying to be anything but a mom in her 30s/40s.

I'll take dumpy-in-capris mom over RockStar mom any day.

becky from hatch said...

You are singing my song with the airport comment. Chelsea Handler said it best on her old E! show - if you can't afford to get to the airport, you don't deserve to go on a trip. Take a shuttle, save a friendship asshole!

Decorno said...

Jules - once again, we are in total agreement.

The skunky rock-mom hair has got to go. I say after 40(ish), no past-shoulder hair. And any time any of us starts to look like Lohan's mom, it's also time to rethink the hair/wardrobe.

Decorno said...

OH! How could I have forgotten this. I was driving home thinking, "Self, don't forget the one about the photos!"

Adults need to quit making the goddman "sexy face" in their online profile photos. You know what I am talking about... commenters and bloggers mugging for the camera for THAT photo of them that will have us believe they are so hot.

Anonymous said...

a related grudge: When the "sexy" photo just happens to cut off the problematic details (scrawny chicken parts, big blobby parts, etc.)

Anonymous said...

This kinda goes along with #8, but PLEASE get over the designer logos! Especially COACH! Teenagers flaunt their Coach logos to prove how "rich" they (oops, their parents) are, or they are hoping that you don't notice the C's are upside down on their "fabulous fake." Adults with their obnoxious purses, shoes, organizers, hats, jewelry, diaper bags and key chains covered in "C's" just look insecure. Have some taste for crying out loud!

Anonymous said...

Elizabeth:

The excellence of your comments convinces me that you are a woman of the highest standards, including husband-related matters.

;-)

Jules said...

Lohan's mom is the worst! Excellent use of an example. Did you notice she often matches her hair color to whatever shade Lindsey is sporting? So unfortunate.

Jules said...

p.s. Speaking of sexy pictures, I'll have you know both my husband and my mom like to tell me the picture I have up doesn't do me any favors. I believe my mom said it makes my nose look like it's been through a pencil sharpener.

I'm content it's from the neck up and hides my many chins. I don't ask for much.

Anonymous said...

Jules, you're a cutie. No doubt about it.

I suspect Decorno had other offenders in mind.

JJ said...

I don't understand why anyone would even buy a fake Coach bag. Aren't authentic Coach bags sort of knock offs of designer bags anyway? Aren't real knock offs the same price as a retail Coach bag? And wasn't Coach supposed to make themselves less pathetic and stop using their nasty C logo material?
Coach makes me vomit.

Anonymous said...

Suburban baby names.
How many Jacksons and Madisons and Madelaines and Conners and Emmas and Olivias do we have to endure?

Anonymous said...

"real knockoffs"?

s. said...

Bless you, Decorno, and bless your feisty band of Commenteers. After a long and wretched Wednesday, this is the kind of post -- and accompanying comments -- that sends me to sleep with a grin in spite of the other wretched 23.75 hours of this day.

Elizabeth said...

I think you need a new post "Things That Are Wrong: Suburban Housewives". After being a "nanny" for a few families in Suburbia, Washington...I have tons to add to the list.

Decorno said...

Jules - you pretty much have the perfect internet self-portrait. You look cute and like someone everyone wants to be friends with. You're also not puckering your lips or turning your head coyly with that "here-comes-your-blow-job" look.

Decorno said...

JJ, re: "real knock-offs" Don't worry, I know what you mean.

SGM said...

Excellent work, D and anon! I did in fact choke (but not die) upon seeing the photo of Dennis Hoff. Isn't that his name? The pervy dude from Cathouse?

Mmmm, babies do smell good.

Ellie said...

Brilliant! I see enormous potential for a series. Things That Are Wrong: Wedding Edition, Things That Are Wrong: Parenting Edition, Things That Are Wrong, Travel Edition...

Consider this a humble (but urgent) request for more of the same.

Anonymous said...

Bunco, omg. I thought I was the only one who hated it the first time (I won the pot btw, figures)

Don't worry, the parties stop in your 40's. Everyone gets sick of Tupperware cause they already have a bunch, and places like Longerberger file Chapter 7. (don't know if they did, but I hope so)

Scrapbooking-face it people, as soon as you die, one of your heirs will rip out the two best pics in it and toss the rest of the lace and construction paper.

Decorno, what are you doing on swinger sites? Do tell.

Anonymous said...

Longaberger. my bad.

Anonymous said...

The Thomas Kincaide online gallery is wrong wrong wrong. And expensive, too.

Anonymous said...

White zinfandel, is wrong, and ever shall be, world without end, amen.

Meander said...

Oh my God!!! This post is completely making me do that fat man no sound belly laugh (something like I picture your swinger doing after. . .I'll leave that one to your imagination, so sorry for the mental picture I just created).
Ok, bunco for sure, scrapbooking YES! awful it is, tupperware partie - UGH! Now the sex party thing really bothers me-especially when they take you into the "private" room to talk about what intricacies you're going to purchase, I mean geez if you can't talk about these things with your girlfriends, who can you talk about this with?
I have another one to add: the usage of things like OMG, LOL and BTW - I think we all begrudgingly use these and I hate it!!!

Anonymous said...

omg, i *love* lol. really.

a said...

what is bunco?

kelly said...

god, i love this blog.

"...world without end, amen." that killed me! really, you made me laugh out loud. and, i agree with you on the white zin... it's only cute when my gammy drinks it.

Anonymous said...

White zinfandel is EXCELLENT with Oreos, you big-city snobs!

Anonymous said...

Wearing open toed sandals at work when you are missing a toe. I am not even kidding.

Be the change..... said...

haha, I love this posting and comments but now I'm left wondering if my profile pic is suddenly 'wrong'.....oh well -fuck it.
I think one wrong thing is having a lot of ikea furniture after the age of 21.....like -LOTS of it. I don't care if you're poor -there is real furniture on craigslist people!

Anonymous said...

Please women, stop wearing leggings. Unless you are Giselle you don't look good in them. No one wants to see the vast amount of cellulite on your ass.

Anonymous said...

Nothing is worse than grown men and women using expressions that should not be uttered by anyone over 17. Generally by the time these expressions are uttered they have long past their expiration date. I hope to never hear another "Shut up, you can't be serious." or "Those capri pants look fierce on you, girlfriend!"

EM25 said...

Amen to the parties - or, as my neighbors call them, "girl time." What? F off! How about parents who act like people without kids "just can't understand." Whatever, asshole.

Ellie is right - you need editions for this! Here are my ideas for TTAW: The Menswear Edition...

* Man flops. What's wrong with men wearing flip flops? Everything. These slobs think we need to see man feet shuffling, dragging, and accumulating road dirt? Unmasculine, lazy skank. Style icon: Matthew McConaughey.

* Guys in their 30s and 40s clinging to their college look - ever-present baseball cap, cargo shorts, t shirt. It's over. Get better clothes and crank up the Nirvana, if you must.

* Mr. Clean. Why are men in their 30s and 40s opting to completely shave their heads? Presumably a sad moron's way of coping with baldness. (Apologies to Top Chef Tom Coliccio.) Please, dumbasses, what works for Michael Jordan does not work for you. You. Are. Bald. Deal with it.

pve design said...

Mom's sporting pigtails and braids looking like they are ready for a "St.Pauli's girl beer commercial."

Dog's in clothing.

Really tan skin

too many more to list.

v8_grrl said...

***I think I have broken all of these rules in the past month...well except the Swingers thing...because the men DO look exactly like that (not that I know)

Help!!!
v8

Anonymous said...

Snaps to whoever said scrap booking. Do people really have nothing better to do with their time?

mamacita said...

Movie star gossip. You don't really believe any of that shit, do you?

Anonymous said...

Ok first, I love this post. So please post MORE. (one annoying thing is ppl writing ONLY IN CAPS. It's like highlighting a whole book with a pen).
Second, I am at work and there are too many things wrong and too little time. But I will be back.

Anonymous said...

em25: Angry much?

s. said...

Mamacita: if you hate movie star gossip, you probably haven't been spending sufficient time on dlisted, a favourite website of many Decorno readers. And yes, thanks for asking, I actually do believe the shit that I read about celebs. Tom Cruise is gay. Madonna's marriage is in trouble. And Brad Pitt smokes a lot of weed.

Anonymous said...

WTF? Is that a boob or a very Large skin tag? I'd get that looked at if I was RS.

Hey Decorno how did you know that Andy Warhol is my gay guardian angel?

must go forth now to my slave job but would love to stay and post all day

anon

Anonymous said...

HERE GOES:

- "Colored" garden/lawn mulch
- Black-tie (tuxes/gowns) on babies/toddlers/children
-Dusty miller/spikes/red geranium potted combo
- Glitter/sequined/shiny clothing or bathing suits
- lace
- Plastic/silk flowers or plants
- Miracle Whip

Anonymous said...

anon 9:37am what about rock mulch, mulch volcanoes, and any evergreen 'contorta'.

Marry me; we'll toast with an unpretentious cava, in a proper glass.

Jules said...

Thanks, Anon. & Decorno. :)

Anonymous said...

yes! please do a "things that are wrong" post for all sorts of occasions. weddings, at work, at dinner parties...

since most of my friends are getting married, here is my short list:

weddings- curly updos (you aren't going to prom), the dollar dance/asking for cash (tacky tacky tacky), the whole "groom find the garter" thing (a little voyeuristic, no?), wearing flip flops at the reception (repeat after me: ballet flats)

EM25 said...

I'm loving the yardscaping angle in these comments. Mulch volcanoes, weeping conifers, dyed mulch...and maybe Rubbermaid mailboxes?

Thanks for the laughs. :)

Be the change..... said...

EM25 -i want to add in doormats that say 'witty' things to the list of yard items. A neighbor has one that says 'just leave' -I want to add that I live in a condo building downtown -there isn't a tree around for miles.

Anonymous said...

Things that are wrong.....

Over 40 Men in Corporate America - Stop coloring your hair, we can tell and NO it does not look natural!

Sisters In Corporate America - Stop asking us on Monday morning if we got our hair cut and colored, yes we did and yes it looks that obvious!

Anonymous said...

What kind of Clairhol hell do you work in?!

Cristin said...

And I thought I was a snarky ass hole....

Melissa H said...

Photos you take of yourself posted online. We know that you were alone, got dressed up, and took 300 photos to get that perfect look-- we can see your arm in the foreground holding the camera up. Get over yourself.

Anonymous said...

Can we add to this list grown adults giving each other fake blog awards? You know the ones.

Anonymous said...

and those stupid games of "tag" where bloggers earnestly tell you what they would you do with a billion dollars, etc. etc.

Anonymous said...

People who hold the door for you when you're 20 feet behind them, and you end up having to trot/jog to hurry and take advantage of their (annoying) courtesy.

Lisa said...

I've got a big one that everyone seems to have forgotten: all other adults seem to think they can run every other adult's life. I decided I would have kids under certain circumstances; those circumstances never reared their ugly heads. If I had a nickle for every HOW COME YOU DON'T HAVE KIIIIIDS?! YOU NEEEEED TO HAVE KIIIIDS!!! I'd be in a hammock on my own island in the Bahamas knocking back my 3rd margarita. Fuck off and who asked ya. Adults today seem never to have learned the gentle art of minding their own fucking business. Love the blog. Thanks and cheers.

Anonymous said...

Grown men or any men who wear backward baseball caps. Adult men and women who go to baseball games wearing full Cubs regalia. Cubs fans.

Anonymous said...

The phrase "[Name/thing] rocks!"

Anonymous said...

this post and the comments are great.Jules, I agree with you there are way too many rock star moms (and may I add grandmoms) running around. I feel sorry for their kids. I would much rather see the so called frumpy, capri wearing ones than the ones with the gianormous fake breasts and the Pam Anderson hair. god, my area is crawling with them!
oh and your pic by the way is a keeper.
decorn, please clarify, I'm way over 40 what constitutes short perky hair cut? having that hair length dilemma as we speak.
be the change, your pic is also a keeper and I do enjoy your blog, just wondering though, were you doing laundry when you took it? where the hell is your shirt?
okay i gotta go and remove all the tacky fake plants/flowers from my home now.

Anonymous said...

re the suburban kid names - Bella!
every time you turn around it's either a kid or a dog named Bella. nope thats not pretentious at all. okay this is fun and could go on all day!
oh wait, the bald men comment! love it! do they really think they are all so good looking that they can get away with sporting that cue ball look?
thank's for this. my husband is going to love that I got some of this out before he got home.

this one said...

you are funny. this is fun.

love it.

Be the change..... said...

Anon 1:03 - it's 'artistic' -haha -it was taken at the beach by a photographer friend. I'm a guy, plus it doesn't even show nip -so I never really thought it was a problem, but I get more comments about my 'naked' profile picture!

Lisa said...

Oh and lest I forget, to the freak at work I caught google-earthing my house (how did you get my address? felt free to raid the personnel files, didja??) you need to sign up for Minding Your Own Business For Adults 101. You and ALL YOUR ILK

Anonymous said...

be the change - don't mind me, I'm just jealous. You at least put yourself out there. i to wanted to post my pic - topless, but feared my gianormous breast and my naturally sexy look might come across as trying too hot for most.

Be the change..... said...

Anon 2:20 - you're turning me on -stop it!

Anonymous said...

Lisa:

Your roof is so pretty.

--Your co-worker

Anon 9:37am said...

How did this escape me:

People who dress the part (i.e. tennis skirts, apres ski, jodhpurs etc....) who we all know NEVER touched a racquet, pole/slope, mallet, etc....EVER...EVER.

I may be back.
Anon 9:37am

Anonymous said...

housewives who think they are better than hookers and strippers

Anonymous said...

The story about the diet/drinking reminded me that it is not OK to get so drunk that you forget to go to the bathroom before you get in a cab to go home, and then you can't hold it long enough so you end up peeing on the floor of your apartment building elevator and then you have to clean it up while you're drunk and hoping nobody notices you doing it.

Anonymous said...

This is very wrong: describing any type of trip/event/occurrence as 'it was a blast!!' What the fuck does that mean? These same people say everything is a blast, and if you don't think it was a blast, you're somehow inferior.

Fuck that bullshit.

Laura said...

Having a punk rock attitude after the age of say . . . 18.

Anonymous said...

Anon 3:05 PM:

NO ONE is better than hookers and strippers!

Anonymous said...

Referring to your significant other as your "partner" instead of your boyfriend or girlfriend. Unacceptable unless you're gay!

hello gorgeous said...

Belly button rings. For anyone. Period.

Anonymous said...

oh god, belly button rings in the right belly button... totally, totally hot to chew on.

icouldkillher said...

Decorno,

I'm despeate to be your friend. And anon (who I feel like I may know), you are simply adorable. And I love you...and if by chance you live in the D.C. area, I'm coming to stay with you - for like a month.

That's all.

In Vicodin Love,

E

my little apartment said...

my best friend and I love to play this game, but we refer to it as "calling bullshit". for example:

- I call bullshit on people who give their babies haircuts. I'm sorry, but there really is no hair to cut until they're like 4. so just don't cut it. nothing is worse that a tiny toddler with baby-fine hair (duh, why do you think it's called that?) that's been poorly chopped into a little "style"...it always looks horrible! and then they go and make them wear some little matchy outfit with some logo on it that says "here comes trouble" and then they put one of those garter-looking headbands on them. and they've probably also pierced their ears. SO HORRIBLY UGLY.

ugh.

- I also call bullshit on anyone (mostly guys) over 30 who constantly bring up their "weird childhood" whenever they're introduced to someone new. seriously, we don't care that you were kicked out of the house when you were a teenager and wore eyeliner and had bad relationships with your parents. we just met. GET OVER IT ALREADY.

- I totally call bullshit on hipsters who dress entirely in American Apparel.

oh man, i could go on all day. i heart you, Decorno.

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, a visit from the breathtaking and dazzling E!!!!

xoxo

Robin said...

Adults who wear their bluetooth headset all day everywhere. Really?Are you in line at Subway waiting for the hospital to call so you can talk them through that tricky brain surgery? Or maybe you are in communication with the mother-ship while you are at Target? Or God is going to call you with the winning powerball numbers (and if it's that last one put it on speaker and come stand by me).

Anonymous said...

Oh E -- you are the greatest. I was about to leave a comment that in-your-face-biker chic is WRONG --all that tight lycra clothing, clonking hard shoes, crazed sinewy, shaved legged men, etc. etc. -- and then I clicked on your post, and there was a post about bad bicyclists. Decorno, you're also the greatest, by the way (and I bike to work).

s. said...

. Asking a woman if she's expecting a child unless she has a baby's head actually protruding from her chocha. Maybe she's knocked up, and if she wants it to be a topic of discussion, she will bring it up. But maybe she's just put on a few pounds and it's all gone to her gut and trust me, she does not want that to be a topic of discussion.

dannyboy said...

haha! i love it! okay, here are mine....
wait, first off, suburban names? i used to work at this one department store and this lady would come in w/ her daughter, named DENIM! yep, she named her baby cotton fiber! anywho, on to my list....
1- buying rockstar/monster in bulk
2- guys flat-ironing their hair and then topping it off w/ a bandana and the latest oversized dior shades. shit, at least be a little different! maybe an hermes scarf and those new givenchy shades?!
3- wine snobs that only drink wine that got a 95 or higher from the spectator or mr. parker himself
4- ppl tht fl th nd to drp th vwls frm thr txt mssgs >.< (in other words, "people that feel the need to drop the vowels from their text messages)
5- i remember when nobody knew about american apparel! those were the days...
6- the deep v-neck
7- "gay for pay" porn. bitch please! i only saw you last night at rage all k'd out humping some boy in the corner! let me gues... you were on the clock?
that is all for now...
sorry, i know i use the dot dot dot alot.

Anonymous said...

ew, deep v-necks are desperate.

Robin you made me lol. I hate it when the headset people come up behind me talking and I start to answer.

lisa love the phrase 'all your ilk'; definitely going to make use of that one.

Since I'm here I'll add that, "IMHO" is fucking irritating, imho.

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah here's another one: the current migration of English phrasing to every Smalltown, USA.

Everything is 'brilliant', people have to get 'sorted' and things are now not just 'missing', but they have 'gone missing'. I even saw something described yesterday in my local paper as 'dodgey'.

Fuck.

Anonymous said...

"gone missing" is British???

It sounds rural American to me.

Anonymous said...

"gone missing" is actually something we use a lot in the south. You will actually find similar usage of phrases and words in the south and in England ex. 'reckon'.

But I add this to list of annoying words/spellings:

colour
flat
mouldings

Get over it!

Anonymous said...

oh, and I would rather hear you went on a vacay not a holiday.

Nina79 said...

here is me list:

1. Crocs
(this is so obvious I don't even want to explain it. They don't look good on anyone).
2. Flip-Flops
especially on men, but really everyone has the grace of an old drunk duck with these on. Maybe if you are on the Copacabana they are ok, but otherwise, they are wrong.
3. Sandels on men
4. Socks in sandals
They are sandals and they are ment to be worn barefoot.

I think a 'Things that are wrong - shoes edition' would be nice.

5. Those awful jeans people still wear that they pull up to their neck, usually wear with a t-shirt tucked in, a belt and white sneakers. Everyone looks frumpy in them, and 99% of people dressed like this are middle-aged or older Americans and you can tell them a mile away.
6. Orange tans or any tan that is clearly too deep and dark for your complexion.
7. extensions - unless you need them for a movie role

well these are just a few, I'm sure in time I can come up with some more.

Decorno, by the way I love this post so much that I got a blogger ID just to leave my comment. Anon was getting a bit boring. Hope to read more in the future.

sara said...

I love this post!! These responses are cracking me up! One of my biggest annoyances is the people walking around with the bluetooth headset on all the time. Are you really so important that you need to keep that on? Pulease!

Anonymous said...

Women: Get over your fear of men's toes.

Anonymous said...

EM25:

I HATE those parties. My boss invited me to a sex toy party. That was awkward.

However:

*People without kids can't understand what it's like. That's like saying people who live in Iceland should stop acting like Americans don't know what it's like to be Icelandic.

*Men shouldn't wear baseball caps, cargo shorts or flip flops? Man, my husband is going to be upset when he sees I've replaced his weekend wardrobe with collared shirts, khaki pants and loafers.

*I just have to disagree with the bald men shaving their head thing. I'll take looking at a BICed head anytime over a head with the hair all puffed up around the bald spot.

Anonymous said...

I agree. EM25, you went way overboard.

Anonymous said...

Adults shouldn't be going to sex toy parties.

stockroom.com it's got everything you might need and all shipped in plain brown wrapper ;)

Anonymous said...

"Adults" shouldn't go, but children should?

becky from hatch said...

SGM, thank you, I'm glad I'm not the only one who recognized Cathouse Dennis - I'm feeling less shame for watching that show!

I prefer a shaved head over a guy with chia-head or a combover.

Anonymous said...

Anon 11:29 - what the hell is your problem?

dannyboy said...

okay, one thing. flip flops are a total so.cal. staple! even before abercrombie made it oh so cool to wear w/ jeans and a half tucked button up striped shirt. i grew up in flip flops and will never stop wearing them! well, maybe once i move to london but then again once i'm there i'll be a total dapper man and always have lovely leather shoes on :D and i'm a total hypocrite here but anywho, another thing i cannot stand is people that say "anywho" yet i use it online ALL THE TIME! i guess hearing it is totally different though. it reminds me of the fat red head neighbor on small wonder. Another thing i cannot stand is people calling nordstrom- "nordies" ugh! i just threw up in my mouth a little.

dannyboy said...

okay, one thing. flip flops are a total so.cal. staple! even before abercrombie made it oh so cool to wear w/ jeans and a half tucked button up striped shirt. i grew up in flip flops and will never stop wearing them! well, maybe once i move to london but then again once i'm there i'll be a total dapper man and always have lovely leather shoes on :D and i'm a total hypocrite here but anywho, another thing i cannot stand is people that say "anywho" yet i use it online ALL THE TIME! i guess hearing it is totally different though. it reminds me of the fat red head neighbor on small wonder. Another thing i cannot stand is people calling nordstrom- "nordies" ugh! i just threw up in my mouth a little.

David said...

EM25: Why do men continue to wear cargo shorts? They let you carry your keys, wallet, phone, lighter, and whatever else you might need without stuffing your front pockets or resorting to a man bag. It's a summer thing, in the winter we have jacket pockets.

Anonymous said...

News flash - fat and old are not inherently awful or "heinous" as Lamentable says. It will happen to you, too, kids.....lets not be so quick to judge.

Anonymous said...

Still using "I think I threw up in my mouth a little." It was funny a few years ago. Now it's just obsolete.

Anon 2:09 - I thought Anon 11:29's comment was funny. To each her own.

EM25 said...

David: I agree - cargo shorts are practical and attractive. I'm trying to describe not just shorts, but an overall outfit with the ratty baseball cap, t-shirt, a whole look that's very...frat boy? Most men are better looking at 40 than they were at 19, so i say work the 40ness.

I think some Anons posted the bald comments, but I can't hate men going bald! I mean, it happens. It's natural. I don't think bald looks bad. Just don't like the shaved cueball.

And now, I'm finally leaving to do actual work... :)

Anonymous said...

This guy I work with calls a digital camera a "digi" and digital photos "digies". I want to stab my own eye out when I hear that.

Anonymous said...

agree; please stop "throwing up in your mouth a little."

s. said...

Rude turns of speech. People who say, for example, "I need you to pass that to me," when they ought to ask, "Would you please pass that to me?"

Oh, and like people who want a drive to or from the airport, people who ask me to care for their pets while they're travelling. If you can afford to hang out in Provence for 10 days, you can afford to pay someone to scoop out your cats' litter box twice/ day!

Anonymous said...

YES! People who say to waiters: "Give me the..." or "Let me have the..."

Who raised you?

Anonymous said...

Something to go along with the leather face one. . . I'm so over those women in their 40s and 50s who walk around thinking they're so hot in their Camel-toe yoga pant/leggings! I KNOW that half the time they're not even coming or going to the gym. It makes me sick when you see teenagers wearing that crap but seriously I don't need to see a cleft palette thats older than me.

Anonymous said...

I got a list:

First commuting in NYC:
Such as how during rush out when your waiting to get into a sardine can and the fuckers won't move out of the way of the door because they're so afraid they're gonna miss their stop if they move in 2 more feet. And then when you get in the train and someone has to play they're ipod so loud that you can hear every word in the song . . . Or some people even decide to play like they're ringtones on their cellphones and whats playing is usually Beyonce or some Reggatone crap. I HATE YOUR MUSIC and I DONT WANT TO HEAR IT!

oh and sneakers to work! thats the worst YOu're NOT running! wear ballet flats.

my little apartment: I'd love to go on and on about american apparel and hipsters! Because you know that those kids can only affording to live in Williamsburg because those moms in the capri pants and flip flops are giving them money. I think my heart drops a little when I see those damn 18 year olds caring a chanel or prada bag around because they either took it from their mom's closet or they used the family credit card to buy it.

Anonymous said...

Overuse of "love" and "loving" in blogs, as in:

"Loving the new Miles Redd [whatever]"

or

"feeling some end-table love"

Anonymous said...

"incredible"

"amazing"

"awesome"

Anonymous said...

velcro sneakers in anyone over three years old and under seventy-five. Yuck!

s. said...

It is right and proper that people adore their children & dogs, thinking them the most delightful creatures on our planet. It is wrong, though, when those same people allow crappy behaviour from said children & dogs and expect the rest of us to be thrilled by it.

- I do not enjoy finding dead patches of urine-killed grass on my front lawn, nor do I appreciate having my crotch sniffed at random as I walk along the city sidewalks (these both refer to dogs but who knows; given the way people raise their brats these days, it might refer to children soon, too).

- Babies do not belong in Business Class - ever. If I paid $8K for a 'round trip flight between LA and PAris, it's because I have to crank out some work or catch a sound sleep... neither of which are possible with some wee bubba shrieking 2 seats back.

- If you allow your kid to keep kicking the back of my seat, -- yes, even in Economy -- at some point, I will have to make your child cry. Deal with it.

QuiteLight said...

Lisa: "the gentle art of minding their own fucking business." You have made me so happy.

I call my common-law husband my partner, though, since after 12 years, "boyfriend" seems cutesy, and everything else I can come up with (mate, Mr., lover) is terrible. I reserve the titles "husband & wife" (or husband & husband, if that's your thing) for people who have actually gone through the ritual.

But I would LOVE a better term! Suggestions from the audience!

Visual Vamp said...

What's right?

Anonymous said...

oh god, she's back.

Sally Tinch said...

Shabby chic--it's over people! Peeling lead paint is not chic.

Purses that cost more than your first car.

Blue mascara--enough said.

Anonymous said...

using the word "people" when you want to be bossy: "It's over, people!"

Christine in DC said...

In the same line as the paying for a taxi or pet care--once you're over 25, asking your friends to help you move. Ugh. Hire a mover.

I also hate hate hate Longchamp bags. Every girl in their 20s in DC seems to have one and I don't get it.

pinkstilettos said...

Ok I have to agree with everything you have mentioned. I love this post it's great. I want to put it on my blog.

Anonymous said...

Partner as a term doesn't bother me at all... I agree that if you're over 30 it beats "boyfriend" or "lover". Lover = barf.

Swinging isn't creepy if you just find hot couples and get drunk then bring it up. Anonymous websites are sad, though.

A couple we f*** does that and do they come up with some winners! :D

penelope Bianchi said...

This is the funniest thing ever! And it is all true!
baseball hats on backward subtracts 100 points from one's IQ!!
Male politicians need to stop dying their hair, also!!
How about the Michigan governor?????? EEEEEEEKKKKK!!!!!!!
I think it is shoe polish!!
And good thing Meander apologized to us for conjuring up that picture with that gross "swinger"!
I am trying to push "delete" in my head!

Nicki said...

To all the women from The Real Housewives of the OC: That whole "I'm really still sexy at 40-something and ready to jump your bones, with obnoxiously bright colored plunging neckline tops, big Playboy hair, spray tans,drag queen-esque makeup, oodles of gaudy CZ jewelry look" is soooo creepy and a pathetic attempt to hold onto to their long gone teens and twenty's. Which is sad, this means you peeked in high school?
I understand that you may still be "hot" at 40 but lets get rid of the garish colors and rhinestones on all the clothing and find some flattering tailored pieces that make you look classic and not like a ritz cracker with CHHEEEZZZEEE.

My Schvesta said...

Things That are Wrong:

Sandra Lee
Snorers on an airplane
Middle school girls giving BJ's