1. Asking for a ride to the airport. We're all grown-ups now. We all have jobs and 401Ks. If you're heading to Greece, I am pretty sure you don't need help avoiding the $30 cab fare.
2. Your baby is not a miracle. Look, most of them are "accidents." Let's just get that straight right off the bat. Your baby is cute and awesome and smells totally good, but it's not a miracle. The miracle is that I don't have 18 of them already, but that's another post.
3. Groups of women all wearing capri pants. They also usually have those "spunky" short 40-something haircuts. There is something sexless and weird about it. Avoid that scene.
5. Going on a low-carb diet and noticing you're starting to get what might be the flu but ignoring early warning signs and refusing to eat anything substantial because you're afraid to gain weight and then running into your friend Deb who convinces you to go to a "club" where you dance around in too-high heels and suddenly have two Red Bull/vodkas and then happen to slip and fall on the ground (because of the shoes! NOT the booze!) and are told to LEAVE THE CLUB, only to respond totally indignantly proclaiming your sobriety while your gay angel sits next to you on the curb while you wait for a cab and proceed to nearly pass out from your mad combo of flu/vodka Red Bulls/no food and then you find yourself begging the nice Somalian cab-driver to be your friend and help you up the stairs back to your apartment (he refuses) and then realizing you left your keys at Deb's place so you have to sleep on the inside stoop of your apartment building and then you wake to the shrieking of your wild neighbor (who you used to spend a lot of judging) while she yells, "OH MY GOD SHE'S DEAD!" but then you wake up and tell her you're just really, really sick and maybe - just maybe - a little drunk. This is not how a grown up should behave. Jus' saying.
6. Having a baby because it seems like what comes next. Admit it. This is how most babies happen. (Either that or "accident." See #2.)
7. The 16-60 phenomenon.Long, salon-aided flaxen hair, sinewy legs, deep tan... you've worked hard to keep yourself up, and the boys notice you from behind. But then you turn around and wilt their high hopes with your leathery old face. Adults. Learn to stop dressing like whory teenagers. Know when to say when.
8.Wearing t-shirts with anything written on them, especially your company, the launch of your company's latest "product," or the place you happen to go on your vacation.
9. Scolding your friends/companions into ordering something "new" at restaurants. Sure, you pride yourself on being so adventurous, but c'mon. That Greek place is so Greek-American. Ordering the new pad whatever does not a cultured person make, so lay off your judgement about us ordering the same fucking plate of curried mash every time we go out. Just sayin'.
10. Swinging. Not because it's inherently bad, it's just that the people involved always look like this:
Honestly, people, there must be another 20, 30, 40 "wrong" things in these adulthood years. Please leave yours in the comments. I am counting on your brilliance to punch up the funny on this one.
Contributions to this post by guest correspondent, Anon.
(UPDATE: A few of you requested other "editions" of Things That Are Wrong." You can find them here:
THE ORIGINAL TTAW POST
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Labels: Things that are wrong.