Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Mom allegedly uses daughter's ID to be cheerleader


True story. Read it HERE.

Remember 21 Jump Street? No, really - remember?

So, what would yo do if you HAD to go back to high school. I want details. Would you try to go all Tracy Flick on your classmates and "A" it up? Would you buy pot for the kids? Throw parties? Would you find yourself giving all kinds of advice? You can even say you'd get busy with the hot guys. Just post anonymously so you don't shame yourself.

In other news, the year after I graduated high school, I learned that Mr. Bosnick*, this hot dark jew (and I mean HOT) was either fired or resigned or maybe was asked to resign because he (allegedly) went to the beach* with this girl, Paula, who was one year behind me and had a honking kind of laugh and was totally fucking annoying. Let me just tell you. I was OUTRAGED. He never took me to the beach. Fucker. I was young, impressionable, and had a thing for older men. I wouldn't have told anyone, for Christ's sake!

YOU MISSED YOUR CHANCE, MR. BOSNICK. I hope you're enjoying your life teaching judo or whatever.


*Names changed. Except Paula's. Fuck you, Paula.

**The beach is like a 3 hour drive from Portland, so it's not like the kids toasted off a milkshake at the Peach Pit and walked to the ocean on break. They WENT TO THE BEACH, if you know what I mean. (Ok, I don't even know what the means, but I am bitter and trying to cast aspersions.)



Yes, this is the teacher. No joke. Miss teaching econ, fired teacher? Ha. Missed your chance. Now it's all nemaste and yoga and judo and wiping snot from little kids or whatever.

21 comments:

Tara.Fields said...

Um. Wow. They probably just went to Sauvie Island. You he would've taken TO THE BEACH, I'm sure.

Anonymous said...

None of my teachers were that hot.

If i went back to high school, I would just party. I never partied in high school...kind of like I got life backwards, I guess. Like Drew Barrymore in that movie...

Decorno said...

Ha! Sauvie Island. I get unusual pleasure for Portland-area geographic in-jokes. Like the "Clackamas Claw" for big 80s/90s bangs, etc.

Tara, don't you feel like we should continue using this phrase TAKE YOU TO THE BEACH as a euphemism for sex in our daily lives? It's not as exotic as "watermelon tango" (my friend Elaine's phrase for, um, digital love), but it's pretty good...

the quarter rat said...

Part 1 (news): this shit happens all the time - the most famous recent example was Brian MacKinnon. He wanted another chance to go to med school, not be a cheerleader, but it ended badly all the same. There was a great article in Granta (Granta#66: Ambition)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brian_MacKinnon

Part 2 (your confession):
I have nothing.

Except that I knew a Paula in HS and she was a stupid bitch, too. She was also the first person I knew with herpes. At least that's what they said at church after her husband left her.

Tara.Fields said...

I believe euphemisms are better for most things all of the time. Or at least biological things. One of my faves for vomiting is "calling Ralph on the big white phone".

I don't think I could possible do high school again. What's more irritating than a horde of teenagers? If I had to go back, I guess what I'd do differently is stab a fork into my eye.

decorno said...

TQR - I love you so much it hurts. God bless you, Anon, David in KC, and Hello Gorgeous. You're my comment heroes.

decorno said...

I am going to go read about this MacKinnon guy now.

But first... when do I get my own wiki page? I want to fill it up with outrageous lies.

Robyn said...

I'd actually apply myself and get into Harvard. Also, I'd appreciate my metabolism.

David said...

***Monday, 730am, homeroom***

Teacher: "How was everyone's weekend?"

David: "Mine rocked! I went to the beach!"

Teacher: "Did you go with friends?"

David: "If by friends you mean a gallon of vodka and a hairless 18 year old, then yes!"

Anonymous said...

David: your post is killing me! I FLUV it!

Anon - e - mouse

Robin said...

Teenagers today speak a whole other language, I wouldn't survive ten minutes in high school today.

I loved 21 Jump Street. I am planning an event in October and Holly Robinson Peete will be one of the keynote speakers (she runs a foundation to raise money for Parkinsons and autism) and I just know I am going to screw up and call her "Judy" to her face.

Paula Bosnick said...

Hi Decorno,

Well, that hot Jewish teacher and I got married and we have super-hot teacher sex every night now. Just thought you should know.

xo

hello gorgeous said...

Honest to god. I was going to say I'd have to kill myself. Like you, D, I didn't like teenage boys much even then.

And as much as I love my daughter, teenagers suck. I am on Day Two cleaning her room duty, because, if any of you have teenage children, you know they are incapable of that kind of organizational thought but I found some weed, so it's like my reward.

(Just kidding, I don't smoke pot either. I guess it's the control freak in me. You hear that HOMELAND SECURITY? It was JUST A JOKE!)

Be the change..... said...

I didn't have any hot teachers at my school either :-( Thank god -I would have been totally distracted.
If I went back I'd be a big ol' skank - I'll admit it while NOT anonymous! I'd be 'going to the beach' with a hot football player every night under the bleachers.

Anonymous said...

Be the Change:

Hot football players like other hot football players, not the wispy admirers. Sorry dude.

thevintagechair said...

wow... that is so sad. Man, you are so lucky. I never had hot teachers. All my male ones were overweight coaches, or old greasy history buffs. Sad. Not that I would've gotten busy with any of them anyway. We did have one who THOUGHT he was hot shit though. He drove a corvette and took my friend to a movie where his wife was supposed to go too, but mysteriously, his wife "couldn't make it"... yeah. He wore a sleevless shirt and tight jeans lol. we still die talking about that one.
I would never...NEVER go back to high school....never.

Anonymous said...

could we go back with our present wisdom and experience but with our 16-year-old bodies?

decorno said...

Yes.

Petunia Face said...

When I was in grad school I did a paper on the linguistical gender differences in teenagers so I sat in on a few high school classes to observe. I didn't want to be introduced because that might have changed the behavior. So I sat in the back thinking they must think I'm the new girl! How mysterious I must be! I snuck glances at hot 16 year old boys and everything. Then at the end of it all the teacher introduced me and the general consensus was the students all assumed I was a narc.

So much for blending in like a young Johnny Depp.

Anonymous said...

"hairless 18 year old."

oh ugh. Vaguely Hannibal Lechterian.

alis said...

LOL, petunia face. If I went back to high school I'd probably have a "I feel bad for you suckers coz I'm visiting and you're stuck here" smirk on my face. I had that smirk when I was in college and came across high-schoolers with uniforms on the street. Now that I have a job that sucks, I'm not laughing anymore.