Monday, September 15, 2008

Open letter to my dog.


Rickey,

It's a faux fur throw. It's not a stuffed animal, although your relentless attacking it suggests maybe it looks a little more faux than fur. Perhaps you're pointing out its lameness. No matter. Quit biting, pulling, and warring with it.

I am not dumb. When you walk up to me and then to the cupboard and look longingly at That Place Where Treats Are Kept, I am onto you, little man. I know what you want. I am just not getting it for you.

When we say "no" and you sulk off and walk around the ottoman and then sort of pop back into view, you have not hit the "reset" button. The "no" is still a "no."

And while we are at it, "No" will always be the answer to your favorite question which I can surmise from your body language is, "Can I get up there and eat that dinner with you?" No.

Also a "no" is following me into the bathroom. Why? Why do you do this? You're like Ceiling Cat except you're a dog and short. So you're not really like Ceiling Cat except you insist on following me everywhere and staring at me. Either way, it's creepy.

When you are sitting on the couch and smell something rank and then look up at us as though we are cruelly torturing your olfactory system, you need to know this: that fart was YOU, little man. YOU. Quit acting shocked.

You are allowed to bark at dogs on TV. You can even bark at TV cats, birds, lemurs ad Rachel Ray. You cannot, however, bark at TV cars, TV credit card commercials, TV burritos or TV Ryan Seacrests. Focus your rage, kiddo.

And lastly, considering that you shed enough fur to knit an extra large poncho every month, you are not allowed to "fight" the vacuum when I do the good work of cleaning up after you. And if you are going to attack it, try attacking from the side, or from behind. Because right now, you attack it head on, and I know for a fact it can see you coming.

Decorno

11 comments:

Brilliant Asylum said...

Awww...Ricky.

Heidz said...

Awe! This one had me laughing. I have a pug too and while she drives me crazy sometimes, all she needs to do is look at me with her squishy little face and my heart melts every time. My world would be a little bit easier if they didn't shed quite so much but I'm a sucker for pugs. I can't help it.

Anonymous said...

And I thought it was just my dog who did these things. Now what would he reply to this letter? Mom I know all that but...

santamaker said...

Loved it so much! This is my "little stinky" to a tee! You sure have a way with word. That's a lucky Rickey!

Ivy Lane said...

He is so cute! Hilarious post!

Anonymous said...

This post made my morning! I can, sadly, relate. I have a little Boston Terrier with a gas problem, and each and every little fart that passes through him blows his mind, as well. Sometimes he gets scared of them, and runs away.

erin@designcrisis said...

I hope the Parents of America are reading this missive.

No, that was not sarcastic.

Decorina said...

Oh, Pug. So cute. Worlds of their little doggie own they live in. I'm still laughing. You are too funny.

Christine in DC said...

Hee hee. I offered to vacuum at a friend's once (where I was staying...you know, to help) and I was told to wait until the dog wasn't around. Like he was going to pop out for groceries or something? :)

Cyd said...

I just burst out laughing right at my computer screen right now. Hilarious. I have a black lab named Nina who seems like a perfect match for Rickey and his antics.

jen said...

This made me laugh OUT LOUD. Not much does that. It was almost pee-worthy.

Bravo.