Sunday, March 1, 2009

Oh, dear god.


I am in NY for work again. I was visiting Duane Reade, as I always do, buying the things I forgot to pack like deodorant and toothpaste, and I saw THIS.

Seriously. I don't have time to make the carpet match the curtains. I am too old for this shit. In fact, here's the deal: I have so many other things to fix on my body before I get to this level of detail. (See THIS conversation as prior evidence of the same point). Oy.

Has anyone used this? Would you? Do any of you really have grey bits? IS THIS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME? I am not ready for aging, although I know it's coming on like a freight train.

Discuss.

76 comments:

S. said...

oh sweet jesus. just get a goddamn Brazilian and get over it.

oy is right, decorno. oy indeed.

v a n e s s a said...

Seriously? Seriously??! haha I agree with S.... wax it and move on.

Anonymous said...

okay, here is the problem w/brazilians when you are getting to the age of going gray. As we age, the WHOLE body ages. Yes, even down there. I know firsthand, I'm an esthetician and do these things all day long. I have lots of older clients who get regular brazilians and let me tell you, they shouldn't. Things sag and are just not that pretty w/o a little cover. Take my advice and all my co-wokers advice, as you get older LEAVE A LITTLE HAIR DOWN THERE!

Carrie said...

I agree with S and Vanessa... Brazilian. (I guess while we're still 'young' enough to at least based on what Anon said...ha)

Andrea said...

I love my brazilian... but I like the idea of having it pink also... It´s so barbie!! LOL

red.door.read said...

that picture on the black betty packet seems off. her vag is too high or her breasts too low or something...? hmmm.

some people get their anus bleached. true story. google it.

Tami said...

LOL. I forgot about this stuff, I think I'll write a post about it today, thanks for the fodder! I personally prefer a good wax or shave and I'm gray (still young and not saggy), but hell I started graying in my teens! Lucky, lucky me! To each their own, but wouldn't stencils be fun? It would give him something else to look at and play with! LOL I'm just sayin'.

Anonymous said...

Well I'm a 47 yr old brunette with a 7 years younger boyfriend for the last 7 years. Trust me, you WANT the carpet to match the curtains. I just feel prettier. You don't want what Samantha once called 'a granny bush'. I find Clairol's Root Touch Up does the trick: I can do my hairline, part and privates all at the same time. I do get regular bikini waxes too - but I think brazilians are creepy at my age. Would never consider it. My boyfriend has no idea....he just figured out that my hair is coloured....and is always telling me how great I look. I've been around enough to actually appreciate this.

alissa said...

dear lord. at first im looking and its like 'well its not for me but to each their own'.
but then the st.patricks day kit came up.
clover stencils and green dye. who does this? i think my husband would start frantically mumbling about moss and run for the hills.
seriously.

hello gorgeous said...

At least this implies there is something down there and not just Uncle Fester's head.

How on earth did I miss that original post? And I am with you. Big time. (southern smile made me happeeeeee)

Kristin Hughes Photography said...

Dont you remember the Sex and the City episode where Samatha found greys??? It was season 6, I think!

Anonymous said...

I had a few greys after delivering twins, but who wouldn't right? They seemed to have disappeared, along with some important parts of my brain. Here's the point: I'd rather be bald than fake. Just shave it and forget it! xoxo

Musette said...

it happens. First time I found them I was stunned (stunned!, I say) and ran to my waxer like I was on fire. 10 years later...well... it is what it is. Too many other interesting things to do than worry overmuch about my Southern Smile:-. I just keep it neat and tidy now. As Anon said, leave a little hair down there as you get older!

xo

Lolo said...

That shit's for strippers, porn chicks and trannies. The whole brazilian thing too. No. I have the pain threshold of a five year old, I don't need a cooter that looks like it belongs to a kindergartner.

Natalie said...

no, never, ever, ever would I do this ... I would just wax ... geez, I feel dirty now!

Anonymous said...

I kid you not, that brand also sells stencil kits for the area down there. At Christmas you can get a tree or bell!

Anonymous said...

I know many of you are too young to realize this... but when you get older you will embrace some things that you once said "never!" to. I did. Like botox. I'm still saying never to surgical adjustments, but when I'm 60 I might feel differently. You just can't really prepare for what life brings. The aging process is fairly disarming. One day you look in the mirror and it's fine, the NEXT day you look at think "where did THAT come from?"

But this post made me laugh. It reminds me of high school in the late 70s. Many of the girls would 'frost-n-tip' their boyfriend's initials in the carpet, so to speak.

Julie at BV said...

Oh my god!!!

This is something I never thought could exist. What else would they think next? Or better yet let's not even ask that question.

Anonymous said...

How about a discussion of grey eyebrows--much more noticeable.

Anonymous said...

Regarding gray strays:

I say pluck 'em.

*moggit girls said...

OMG-- Decorno! What a way to start a Monday am!

Hilarious.

Just wanted to let you all know we want your 'dirty decorating laundry' over at the mogg blogg (www.moggit.blogspot.com). 'Show us yours' and you might just win yourself a free copy of Domino: the Book of Decorating.

Or a pube colour kit, if you prefer.

Whatever.

kristin said...

I've always wondered about that, Anon 9:07. But after years of brazilians done during youth, wouldn't it just look sparse down there, sparse enough to justify being hairless but saggy? Should we avoid brazilians completely because of what we'll look like when we're older?

Lolo said...

All of these anxieties over the bush and the botox can be resolved with the right lighting, no?

Anonymous said...

I say turn the damned lights off and you're good to go! Seriously, DH is so happy to be invited there, it could be a rainforest of gray hair and he wouldn't care. :)

But also, decorno, you should do Kegels. As a mother of two, it was either a) do kegels or b) pee myself everytime I sneeze.

{MaisonClassique} said...

ummmm...what's up with the hot pink?!

Iheartfashion said...

Decorno, you never fail to amuse.

Anonymous said...

The sad thing is that a woman who has nothing but piles of money and time on her hands could not come up with anything better than to steal this pathetic and disgusting idea and try to market it. Really pathetic and a waste.

Saffron said...

When will women enslave themselves from this inferior nonsense?

Can't we age gracefully? Like women in Europe?

Anonymous said...

Don't act all incensed. Y'all ripped me a new one when I spoke out against botox and plastic surgery. And you're offended by this? Please.

thebubbreport said...

Oh My! What's worse, a brazilian, having to use dye, or just giving up and not letting anyone see you naked anymore? I'm torn...

becky

Anonymous said...

WWJD? What would Joni do?

Andrea V. said...

For the record:

Joni, if you read this. I was NOT anon 1:15!!!!!!

Yeah, I alerted you to the hilarity of this post, but I sweyah, I did not write that!!

xoxo,

Andrea

riye said...

This got reviewed in Oprah's (!) magazine (can't remember which issue--read it at the doctor's office) and according to the reviewer it works. I can't help wondering if it colored her "parts" as well.

BCF said...

how have you never seen this. its been around for years. its actually a great company. they have a pink color they call fun betty. they donated lots of money and boxes of pink berry for our breast cancer walk this past fall.

Susan said...

I'm a big fan of aging gracefully---of course I'm 56 and well into it. Of course it helps to have a wonderful marriage with a devoted spouse. He doesn't care about gray, Brazilians or any of it. Life is good.

Anonymous said...

Something is telling me maybe Joni DOES use this product..........

drollgirl said...

pshaw. just shave and be done with it. who would actually bother to do this!?!?!?!?

Anonymous said...

My (slightly younger) BF likes hirsute women (at least down THERE) and he happens to like gray hair (go figure).

You don't need a special product to dye your pubes. Any haircolor will do.

Anonymous said...

What you really need, instead of using this crap, is a significant other who doesn't give a damn. Keep your stuff tamed by trimming it up (screw brazilians, that is a big waste of money). There is a reason we have pubic hair, which is to protect ourselves from bacteria, brazilians are so unnatural and nasty looking. My husband would think I was a freak if I dyed my pubes. I don't touch my hair on my head with nasty dye so there is no way i'm going to do it to my bush.

Bill D. Cat said...

An excellent site . Please enroll me on your e-mail updates .

Anonymous said...

I have to agree with Anonymous above me that Brazilians are unattractive---and got their start in the pornography industry. Who wants to ape that?

And, pubic hair has a purpose--as a friction diffuser.

Who wants to see a naked woman's body that is trying to look like a porn star? Grow up people and get into reality not some sort of fake icky fantasy. it's intimacy that is important--not some sleazeball's vision of sexiness. The time will come when people look back and just wonder what people were thinking.

s. said...

Oh, please. Does anyone else find this sexist? I never notice men spending their time and money keeping the grays from Down There. He trims, I trim, we're all happy.

Maria said...

this kills me. i heart this post.

Anonymous said...

Listen to the earlier Anonymous. Not only do things age, they undergo atrophy.

Nobody needs to see that. It has all the sexual appeal of ...of ...dried flowers? No. Just... no.

susie q said...

Oh my gosh. Keeping up with stray neck hairs and adult acne takes all my time -- how on earth could I possibly add dyeing my pubes to the list?

Anonymous said...

To Kristen, The hair only remains sparse if you keep up regular waxing. As soon as you give up regualr waxing the hair grows back to it's previous growth pattern.

Anonymous said...

As Grand Vizier and Mayor of Homoland™ I will pass down rules for all of you to follow. You're welcome.

Always match the drapes. If you let gray in upstairs, you have to follow through. If you color your head, color your junk.

Regardless of color, that shit should never peek out and wave from your bikini. Hasidic inner thighs are not holy.

How aggressive you are in keeping things under control depends on your personality. Landing strips belong to people who insist they have a sense of humor - and people who have crabs - and people who date would-be pedophiles.

In Homoland™ we are beating off hitler mustache pubes and waxed chests. It's been a hard war. The biggest thrust has been towards a more Cooper-like ideal.

Anonymous said...

I heard of Betty a while back and laughed... but my fiance is goofy. I dyed my betty hot pink for Valentine's Day. He LOVED it. We both giggled... and played!

Tami said...

OMG...people lighten up! If someone wants to color great. If someone wants to wax great! Their choice. Since when does a shaved vay-jay-jay equal porn star? Jeez...

Sacheverelle said...

Oh hell yea. If I had a graying carpet & a hot date I would totally use that. Gray pubes are not hot ladies.

S. said...

PINK hair? GREEN hair? What's next? Lily Pulitzer: the Preppy Pussy line?

Anonymous said...

Merkins are next - made from eco-friendly coconut fiber, hemp, and bamboo.

Anonymous said...

"WWJD? What would Joni do?"

Well, she's admitted getting her hair done twice a week...

caroline said...

start regularly brazilian bikini waxing now and in a few years it will stop growing all together. i swear, just like the day you were born. nothing to worry about and more comfortable too.

Anonymous said...

"In Homoland™ we are beating off hitler mustache pubes and waxed chests."

You are sheltered, Homo. These days, it's straight guys who are most enamored of body hair management.

Anonymous said...

In the dark, all cats are grey.
-Ben Franklin.

Anonymous said...

news flash- most guys don't like baldness down there. we work hard to 'get there', and we want our lady to put out the welcome mat.

Kristine said...

Shouldn't this post be tagged under "Landscaping ideas"?

Anonymous said...

"most guys don't like baldness down there"

I challenge the "most."

Anonymous said...

Caroline, There is nothing sadder than looking at an old, sagging cupcake that is bald. Trust me.

LB said...

Isn't there some happy medium? I like to be trimmed but also smooth. And regrowth from shaving itches like no other. So wax the bikini line and a little further in, but not a landing strip like Playboy. Smooth to the touch but not pre-pubescent.

Nikki said...

Seattle summers are getting warmer (thank you global warming). Go for it!

...and she lived... said...

I think it's hilarious! I would do the bright pink one just to shock the heck out of my husband. As you can tell we're easily amused lol

PJ said...

This post is one of the funniest I've read in a long time...trumped only by your July 2008 post. I'm still laughing!

Tony said...

I usually come to decorno because I'm interested in design. Isn't this a fascinating diversion!

Count me in as another guy who thinks that "Brazilians" are incredibly contrived-looking and that bald labia are kind of ridiculous on a mature (i.e. past puberty)woman. Trim if you want, but go with what nature gave you. Not that I'm adverse to hair color if a woman wants it, but let me tell you, a welcoming smile and an eager and enthusiastic partner are so much more important than what a woman's bush looks like.

*moggit girls said...

The name of it is brilliant! And we might buy it just for that....

Kwana said...

This is such a crack up! Thanks so much Decorno. Fun stuff! I think I'm blind now.

Gypmar said...

susie q, you're killing me. I am so with you.

Thankful to have a spouse who couldn't care less.

maciu20e said...

Waxing your down there makes you look like a 12 year old girl. i already have a young appearance and don't need to look like that when im naked.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't use actual hair dye in your vaginal area, how unsafe! atleast betty beauty doesn't use ammonia and other harsh chemicals, its actually made for down there

Anonymous said...

When you have grays down there and are still dating, you guys will start to care. You don't need to be 60, you can be 30. I know that i was embarassed and found betty beauty also on duane reade and now am happy with how it looks.

Jess said...

I tried the hot pink betty color after i saw a segment on the doctors tv show. i surprised my husband on our 1 year wedding anniversary and he got a kick out of it! they have a new color now, purple. i think i'm gonna try that too!! what's wrong with spicing things up a little?

Anonymous said...

I am only 35 years old and I was shocked when I found my first gray hair. When researching hair dye's i found out that you actually can't use regular hair dye down there. very unsafe. That's why betty beauty is so awesome, it is a gentle formula and totally safe. no more grays for me!

Anonymous said...

I don't understand, what down there sags?

Anonymous said...

You don't have to have a brazilian to look groomed down there. I think betty beauty is a great product and if you dont want to dye all of your hair down there, you can use the fun charmcils to dye a little heart down there....it's fun!

check this out:
http://www.ktla.com/landing_extras/?Is-Your-Betty-Ready=1&blockID=128887&feedID=1689

Cote de Texas said...

WWJD: Well to be perfectly HONEST here - it's aint the color that gets to be a problem when you hit your 50s = let me put it this way:

Is there a toupee for your schmuie?????????

If so, I'd stand in line for that!

Anonymous said...

Dude - I'm 25 and have had this problem for about four years. I'm pretty gray on my head hair too. Mostly, I just get over it.

No, I don't dye the carpet. I do dye the curtains. Sometimes I wax the carpet.

But really, whatever.