Thursday, March 5, 2009

Phoning it in today.

Watch THIS. You really have to watch the whole thing. He's a crack up.


And let's talk about Rihanna. The Daily Best posted THIS:

The director of the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline said, "The most common reaction is, 'Why does she stay? Why does she take that?' But the question should be, 'Why would someone be abusive to their partner?'"

Um, no. That was LAST week's question. This week the question absolutely should be, what the fuck is she doing staying with him? We've seen this movie before (thanks Ike and Tina). It's one thing if you live in a trailer, he's got your stash of Oxycontin, and he's threatening to hurt your kids. I can understand being trapped. But for god's sake, Rihanna, you have resources. And Jay-Z! Jigga Man could put a hit on him for you, no problem. No excuses, little buttercup. Time to put "Better Be Good To Me" on repeat and dump his ass.

**UPDATE** Do we believe this? Someone left a comment that she's not with him and it's just a rumor. Yikes. Either way, the message is the same - Rihanna, you're too good for him.


Sarah's Fab Day said...

Call me immature but these days I can't even listen to her music without being completely annoyed. WTF Rihanna?!

the sweet life with olives said...

no kidding. i don't want to get into a blame the victim kind of thing, but come on...?! it's so depressing to think how she must feel inside if she is willing to risk all her success, hard work and good fortune for such a tool.

parisienish said...

YES *slow clap*

robby said...

My mother was emotionally and sometimes physically abused by my father for close to thirty years. She had enough resources to get out too. It's not so simple as that. There are a million psychological and emotional reasons why she stayed, fucked up as they might be. I'd appreciate it if you took some of them into consideration before you start victim blaming.

emotional reasons why women stay:
* Insecurity about being alone, on her own; she's afraid she can't cope with home and children by herself.
* Loyalty. "He's sick; if he had a broken leg or cancer--I would stay. This is no different."
* Pity. He's worse off than she is; she feels sorry for him.
* Wanting to help. "If I stay I can help him get better."
* Fear that he will commit suicide if she leaves (often he's told her this).
* Denial. "It's really not that bad. Other people have it worse."
* Love. Often, the abuser is quite loving and lovable when he is not being abusive.
* Love, especially during the "honeymoon" stage; she remembers what he used to be like.
* Guilt. She believes--and her partner and the other significant others are quick to agree--that their problems are her fault.
* Shame and humiliation in front of the community. "I don't want anyone else to know."
* Unfounded optimism that the abuser will change.
* Unfounded optimism that things will get better, despite all evidence to the contrary.
* Learned helplessness. Trying every possible method to change something in our environment, but with no success, so that we eventually expect to fail. Feeling helpless is a logical response to constant resistance to our efforts. This can be seen with prisoners of war, people taken hostage, people living in poverty who cannot get work, etc.
* False hope. "He's starting to do things I've been asking for." (counseling, anger management, things she sees as a chance of improvement.)
* Guilt. She believes that the violence is caused through some inadequacy of her own (she is often told this); feels as though she deserves it for failing.
* Responsibility. She feels as though she only needs to meet some set of vague expectations in order to earn the abuser's approval.
* Insecurity over her potential independence and lack of emotional support.
* Guilt about the failure of the marriage/relationship.
* Demolished self-esteem. "I thought I was too (fat, stupid, ugly, whatever he's been calling her) to leave."
* Lack of emotional support--she feels like she's doing this on her own, and it's just too much.
* Simple exhaustion. She's just too tired and worn out from the abuse to leave.

Kwana said...

Being the mother of a confused 15 year old girl this whole thing pisses me off. So many girls are siding with Chris that it's disgusting and this only adds to it. It's awful!

Decorina said...

If you have never been in an abusive relationship it is easy to say "Why doesn't she leave?".

I was there and believe me it isn't that simple. These men are master manipulators, and if you have feelings for them you are set up to be controlled (and abused) by them. They usually learn it from their fathers. And the women have usually had fathers who were disapproving and controlling.

Not surprised that she went back to him. It generally takes women about 8 times to finally dump one of these idiots for good. I feel for her - and hope she "gets" it sooner rather than later.

Anonymous said...

Never heard any of her music. No interest.

Catherine said...

I am truly bothered by Rihanna and Chris Brown reuniting. Rihanna truly is the face of domestic abuse. Most of the time the woman goes back to the abuser, so I guess I am not surprised...

The Polka Dotted Owl said...

Never go back to your left overs, never! Especially an abusive douche like Brown!

M said...

This is so sad! She is a role model for young woman all over the world!! What kind of example is she setting for women?

Anonymous said...

on another note...
thank you for sharing those two videos!
Hilarious and Hilarious-er.

Anonymous said...

Someone needs to assemble a compilation of domestic-violence-themed music. Here's a start... there's so much more:

Delia (Johnny Cash)
Two Lovers (Mary Wells)
Hey Joe (Jimi Hendrix)
Stand by your Man (Tammy Wynette)
Delilah (Tom Jones)
Only Women Bleed (Alice Cooper)
Kim (Eminem)
Smack my Bitch Up (Prodigy)
Polly (Nirvana)

Lolo said...

I'm one of the air travel complainers. I get so crabby at paying money to be crammed into the magic flying tube with people who take their shoes off, fart, sing along to their crappy music and leave the toilet looking like a portajohn. I deserve to fly first class as much as you deserve a pool but I make do with a pill and some earplugs.

Anonymous said...

It's in part due to her not knowing any better.

Rhianna is like Britney: These girls--they aren't women--are artificial hot-house creations of the entertainment industrial complex.

Yeah, they have "resources" (money) but they get no education, no exposure to life as it is lived by everyday people. They develop almost no capacity for independent, adult judgment. They are as weak as veal calves kept in pens their entire lives.

Anonymous said...

Just goes to show that money can't buy self esteem. And you know it wasn't the first time, and certainly won't be the last. Sad.

sam said...

Rihanna should take advise from Jazmine Sullivan and get to bustin' some windows!

Renovation Therapy said...

Rumor has it she's not back with him - it was all orchestrated by his PR camp to make it appear that they were back together. Making her a victim - once again.

Anonymous said...

Although I don't like her music... Just for you posting this, Decorno, I am deleting your blog from my links. According to you, it's ok to blame the victim (just like the abuser usually does). Sure, why should you even bother to make any kind of effort to comprehend what it's like to be in that situation? May I suggest a few minutes of online research, although obviously you'd much rather find pleasure in insulting women who are in difficult situations.

Anonymous said...

Anon 8:50 AM:

"He Hit Me (And It Felt Like a Kiss)"

performed by The Crystals; written by Carole King and her husband

Anonymous said...


It's because of people who are judgmental, like you, that women in these situations feel ashamed and embarrassed to speak out about it. Look at your comments. So many of you didn't even mention "WTF WENT THROUGH BROWN'S HEAD?!?!" or "Wtf is wrong with him??” He should be arrested and facing charges. Not one person should be hounding or insulting Rhianna for what she is doing. Be friken considerate. The shame, embarrassment and pressure everyone is putting on her is harmful and has detrimental affects. If this ever happens again, she will surely isolate herself more so from the public to avoid your ridiculous scrutiny. You want to talk about setting an example? How about the shitty example you are setting by attacking her and her judgment and all this public scrutiny. I’ve read more articles about what a retard Rhianna is then what an abusive bastard Brown is. I haven’t read one story questioning why Brown isn’t in jail yet!

I'm not defending that she went back to Brown, what I'm saying is given the situation, those who aren't willing to offer support and encouragement to seek resources should mind their own damn business because their negative and unnecessary comments are completely unconstructive and damaging. It’s idiotic.

Krysta said...

It is both sad and infuriating to see that she has gone back to him, but I don’t think it is so simple to say WTF, you have resources, you are a role model etc. As many others have pointed out, more eloquently and from personal experience, women who are in or stay in abusive relationships have been psychologically manipulated and rational thoughts aren’t factored in. It makes no sense to be angry with her but rather to hope she can do what she needs to do not only to leave him and take care of herself but also get to the point where she isn’t subject to another abusive relationship in the future.

Claire said...

I feel sorry for Rhianna. I mean I think she needs to get the hell out of there but obviously easier said then done.

And thanks for posting that daily show clip!I dont even know what to say about that.

s. said...

Nope, she's definitely still with him.

I'm furious that more people in their music community aren't coming forward to condemn the physical abuse. Usher did, but then immediately recanted. Pathetic.


"Dickless Usher

No balls either.

Usher earned some respect yesterday when his comments on the Chris Brown/Rihanna situation were released. Specifically addressing the pictures showing Breezy jet skiing and cavorting in Miami a few days ago, Usher criticised:

"I'm a little disappointed in this photo. After the other photo [of Rihanna's bruised face posted by TMZ]? C'mon, Chris. Have a little bit of remorse, man. The man's on jet skis? Like, just relaxing in Miami?"


There was NO remorse. There has been NO accountability. Chris Brown’s life has not changed. And the fact that Usher called that out was really rather refreshing.

But not for long.

Usher has now issued an apology. An apology for what??? Did he beat down his girlfriend? Did he bust up her nose? Did he make her lips bleed?


But Chris Brown is the new Usher. The old Usher can’t sell records. The old Usher spoke out of line and needs to make sure the right people are placated:

"The comments made during a recent recording session amongst friends were taken out of context and blown out of proportion. I apologize on behalf of myself and my friends if anyone was offended. The intentions were not to pass judgment and we meant no harm. I respect and wish the best for all parties involved."

I hate people.

heartbreakingly beautiful said...

I am a huge fan of decorno normally, but the victim bashing & blaming on here disgusts me.
Y'all should be spending this much energy and negativity bitching about a) the fact that men perpetrate this kind of violence on women all the time (!) and b)instead of suggesting that these men should be in REHAB because THEY have serious problems, we say that the women need to grow a pair and get out of there. Way to make his sickness her always.
As has already been echoed, unless you've been there, it's a total crock of sh*t to say what a woman should be "brave" enough to do when her man abuses her. Have you been there?? I didn't think so. Take your "shoulds" somewhere else, and let us mourn what is really going on here(the illness of patriarchy in all its glory), and give support and love to women who are doing the best they can.

s. said...

And, how much do we as a society pathologize women who are single? I was happily manless for much of my 30s and I was often treated with a mixture of pity and disdain.

Jennifer Aniston bearded for Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon beards for Jake G; heaven forbid they simply admit they are successful single women who aren't currently in steady romantic relationships. That just isn't done.

What message are we giving to young women when we make it clear that you are nothing without a husband or boyfriend? Shame on us for allowing single women to be treated as somehow "less than." And shame on Rhianna for staying with a man who abuses her.

Anonymous said...

Robby, I am a survivor of abuse and all your list illustrates to me are excuses and more excuses. Ick.

Anonymous said...

It infantilizes beaten women to cluck soothingly to them "There, there, you don't have to do anything, we have no expectations of you whatsoever..."

Anonymous said...

I was a bigger fan of Chris Brown than I ever was of annoying, whiney Rhianna. Now I have to feel guilty about listening to Brown's music and have been robbed of seeing his oh-so-smooth Double Mint Double Mint Gum commercial? I am the victim here!

Even though it is totally wrong to hit another person, it is just as wrong to write off a human being for making a mistake. Chris Brown is seeking therapy and forgiveness and I have not heard one person (save Rhianna) offer him any kindness.

It is like no one else in the world has ever hurt someone they loved and regretted it.

Hanako66 said...

ha! I agree with you 100%

Lisa Hunter said...

The ugly truth is that women are most in danger when they leave an abusive relationship. It's when they're most likely to be murdered. Do you guys not read the paper beyond the decor section? Nearly every day there's a story of a woman murdered by the guy she was trying to leave.

While we're bashing the pop music industry, how about going after songs like the Beatles "Run for Your Life" and the myriad other songs whose message is: if I can't have you, I'll kill you.

Anonymous said...

First of: thank you for Jon Stewart. The daily show always hits the nail on the head.

Secondly: I think its ok to ask the question WHY is she staying but as an outsider it is always easier to ask 'how the fuck can she stay?' and feel like you'd never let anyone treat you this way.

I've never been in a physically abusive relationship but my first bf treated me pretty badly at the end of our first relationship and I didnt leave him. He left me and after being sad I felt relieved and finally saw, how bad our relationship had been, how he had beat me down (emotionally and verbally) and I didnt see it when I was in the midst of it. I was 19 and though 'I am going to marry him and be together forever. We will get trough this bad spell'.

I really enjoy your blog Decorno, but maybe you should try to put yourself in her shoes.

Yes, she might be sending a bad message to young girls or any woman, but give her a break!

Lolo said...

I don't get how "Rihanna, you're too good for him" equates to blaming the victim but hey, whatever. I took the whole thing as yet another teaching moment, brought to us by celebrities.

I don't think that telling my daughter that she does have the power and responsibility for her own safety, well being and self respect within her control to be incompatible with pointing out that anyone who would beat their loved one is far more broken than any 19 year old could fix, no matter her wealth or self esteem.

Having said all that, I want Tina Turner to weigh in on the whole mess.

Anonymous said...

I had been reserving judgment on this until more facts came out. I even tried to come up with some rationale to explain any of it. But there isn't one. At this point, it's just sad I don't want to hear anymore about it. They both need help away from the spotlight and away from each other. I hope they get it.

Anonymous said...

I was a victim of "domestic" abuse when I was in high school. I let it happen to me in two different relationships, once physically and emotionally and once just emotionally. I do blame myself only because I knew better. I let it happen because I had low self esteem. I loved the drama and excitement of the fights but hated the consequences. Both of those guys I had incredible sexual chemistry with. I don't blame Rihanna and feel very sorry for her, but I have to admit that I did question what she did to get him so upset that he hit her. And I only thought that because I know I instigated a lot of shit in my fucked up relationships.

S. said...

One of my students brought this up today -- we're doing a speech unit and she wants to make a speech about how women need to be more independent, and threw in something about Rhianna needing to be a "better role model." It truly bothered me; as a society, why are we so interested in this stuff? Okay, so are independent women not allowed to make really stupid decisions, even when they're made independently? Why is this woman with her (obviously painful and difficult) romantic situation required to be a "good role model?" Because she's famous? Or has resources?

I found it disturbing that instead of asking questions like "why was he abusive?," "what should someone do if they're in that situation?," or "is someone helping her?" my 15 year old girls are being flippant because she's not being a good enough roll model.

s. said...

I agree, Anon 12:21! It's in no way Rihanna's fault that Chris beat her up. But I find it terribly patronizing to suggest that she's somehow not responsible for her choice to stay in the relationship.

No, heartbreakingly beautiful, no one here has suggested that "his sickness is her responsibility." But "take your shoulds somewhere else" and telling us that we are not allowed to suggest that she's making the wrong choice by staying with an abusive man if we've not "been there" is both insulting to us and to womankind. Why not take your own advice and keep your own "shoulds" to yourself.

drollgirl said...

he is a fuckwit and he belongs in prison. she has gotta lose him. NOW. and if she stays with him, i am through with THE BOTH OF THEM!

Decorina said...

To the person who posted the music re:DV. Don't forget "Earl" by the Dixie Chicks. The ultimate. I used to listen to it over and over.

Anonymous said...

i'm sort of on both sides of the fence here. my last relationship was full of emotional abuse and manipulation, but it snuck up on me so slowly that it took 2.5 years before i could say 'holy shit, how did i get here?' i still struggle with 'well, maybe it can work' and have to make a conscious effort not to go there. and i was never hit, not once.

obviously physical violence is different, you know it when it happens the first time. but in my experience, it could start small and escalate so slowly that by the time the shit really hits the fan you're totally in over your head. it's hard to leave, because you know that this person has the capacity to be amazing and you love them. if they didn't, you wouldn't have stayed past the first month.

reading these comments makes it clear how easy it is to blame the victim. so sad. rihanna has a long road ahead of her.

Mary T. said...

What Robby said.

Anonymous said...

The idea of a "roll model" IS stupid. Thank you.

Children should be raised to pick and choose: admire this celebrity's singing voice, but not her choice in men. Admire that athlete's discipline, but not his drug use. Admire this actor's immersion into his characters, but not his chaotic family life.

But for god's sakes, don't admire everything about anybody, unquestioningly.

Anonymous said...

"...we say that the women need to grow a pair and get out of there. Way to make his sickness her always."

You're confusing two different things.

Of course she's not *responsible* for his behavior.

But she IS responsible for her own life and well being, even when all she wants to do, understandably, is curl up in a fetal ball and pretend nothing happened.

Adult life consists largely in doing what you don't want to do--doing what you shouldn't have to be doing, if life were fair.

That's the deal. You can bitch and moan and wring your hands all day about the "patriarchy," but the fact is, if Rihanna wants out of this relationship, or at least out of harm's way, she is going to have to do it herself, like an adult.

Anonymous said...

Anon 8:50 AM

"Polly" (by Nirvana) is about violence against a stranger, not domestic violence.

Anonymous said...

There are two separate issues here! Saying that Rihanna's a fool to stay with Chris Brown by no means diminishes the fact that he's a worthless piece of trash! They're both separately and equally true. It's not apportioning blame to her for the beating, it's apportioning blame to her for being a moron after the fact. And yes, she is being a moron. She has a world of support behing her, and not just financial support.

I can't believe anyone would be so offended by this statement as to *shock* delete a blog from their blogroll. Lame.

Anonymous said...

as women, our first instinct is to protect our own. it just is. so i think the frustration with rihanna is at first we all felt like protecting her, we were behind her, she was one of us. it's just very hard to watch someone put themselves back in danger after that, so we shake our heads and don't understand, unless we've been there.

but you know what? christ brown is nothing but a low life thug and he does not deserve her. he doesn't. i just read the police report and it's horrifying, the attack was not fast or spontaneous, it went on for a long time. while he was driving he was punching her and choking her, after he stopped driving he punched her in the face with a closed fist repeatedly and put her in a headlock cutting of her air, she was losing consciousness and her mouth was full of blood.

i pray she will not be with him, but i also know she will stay. maybe now we should all pray that the next time he doesn't actually kill her.

Anonymous said...

God forbid you'd have to walk a mile in her shoes, Decorno.

Misogyny keeps creeping back into this blog. I'm done with it.

Decorno said...

I would never walk a mile in her shoes because I am just not the kind of person who would be with someone who hit me. That's not misogyny, that's just the truth.

Anonymous said...

"Just for you posting this, Decorno, I am deleting your blog from my links."

Really anon 9:26 AM?

THIS is how you try to make a point effectively? -- "I'm gonna cross your name off my blog and you can't stop me, SO THERE!"

It's statements like this that make me feel misogynistic. God, women can be idiots.

Ms. Suebee Honey said...

"I am a survivor of abuse and all your list illustrates to me are excuses and more excuses. Ick."

Excuses for what? The entire pathology of abuse and the emotional and physical factors of the victim are not based solely on your personal situation.

All of those components that were given are not "excuses" they are common factors that most abused women share.

Ms. Suebee Honey said...

"That's the deal. You can bitch and moan and wring your hands all day about the "patriarchy," but the fact is, if Rihanna wants out of this relationship, or at least out of harm's way, she is going to have to do it herself, like an adult."

And with that statement, the patriarchy applauds you for reinforcing that is the woman's burden to end the abuse ("she is a big girl she should just leave". What should be said, is that men who abuse women should END abusing women.

The fact is, we absolutely should be blaming the patriarchy for this, because it is the very male dominated power structure we live in that condones this type of behavior. This entire post has been whether or not this woman should stay or leave this relationship and very little about his behavior.

The blaming-the-victim card ("she should get out" "why did she go back" "she was drunk") is always played in situations like physical abuse or rape because it keeps the male dominated structure off the radar. The more responsibility you place on the victim the less responsibility the abuser has.

Anonymous said...

Some phrases come to mind. "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink", or "you can take Salem out of the country, but you can't take the country out of Salem". How about Michael Vick....or OJ? I'm sorry if this seems racial, but facts are facts. Chris Brown is just doing what he knows, regardless of his rise to fame. Rhianna is just doing what she knows as well. Both probably grew up in the projects and no amount of fame or money can change that mentality.

I'm just saying......

Anonymous said...

This goes on all over the country. I don't give a flip about Rhianna or Chris Brown. Don't know them, don't know their music. Let them keep doing the Whitney/Bobby and see how it plays out.

I'm telling you, this is all these people know. They may rise to fame, but I believe it's in their DNA.

Anonymous said...

"...women are most in danger when they leave an abusive relationship. It's when they're most likely to be murdered. Do you guys not read the paper beyond the decor section?"

You're the one who sounds out of it, Lisa Hunter. What's your point--that Chris Brown is going to come murder Rihanna NOW, while both are bound to be surrounded by dozens and dozens of reporters and photographers and handlers and friends and bodyguards?

Julie at BV said...

I can't believe she is still with him. Isn't that strange? Why?

Anonymous said...

I used this situation as a teaching experience for my 14 year old daughter. I was shocked and appalled when she said that maybe he did it because he was drunk at the time and didn't mean to hurt her. I straightened her out on that one, but it makes me wonder what she might be watching on t.v., hearing from peers, etc. that would give her the idea that this behavior should be excused because possibly he was intoxicated.

Parenting is a bitch!

Anonymous said...

Well said, Anon 7:30.

Anonymous said...

the police report is out; it is damning-

*moggit girls said...

There really is nothing like wisdom is there? And unfortnately, wisdom only seems to come with age....
we wish we could impart 20 years worth for her right now...


Anonymous said...

Heartbreakingly beautiful....this one's for you.

Your feminist opinions are transparent. Feminism has truly caused the breakdown of the American Family. Fact! Women have a natural instinct to nurture, not tear up the corporate world. The end result is greed and children are picking up the tab.

Remeber the picture of Nicole Brown Simpson? The one where she was STILL with OJ, refusing to press charges after he beat the hell out of her and the police were called? Remember that one? I don't want to hear any crap about how he was aquitted by a jury of his peers. Whatever. She kept going back and it was never over until HE finished it. Rhianna certainly needs to draw the line and get the hell out. She should take responsiblity for herself. So, on one hand you are this spout off the mouth feminist Heartbreakingly, and then you are saying "poor victim" it's the man's nature to beat. Huh? Don't blame the victim. Nobody is blaming Rhianna for anthing but taking that brother back!!

You know? It could end up just like the Whitney/Bobby fiasco, playing out for years and years to come. The headlines will read, "Chris Brown now says 'Rhianna beat me this time'" Trash.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. It's the truth.

The worst thing a parent can do is to raise and angry boy. This anger and example comes from somewhere.

Anonymous said...

The misogyny is in BLAMING THE VICTIM.

"Walk a mile in her shoes" means that maybe if you lived her life you would understand the choices she made. Clearly that's not going to happen.

Anonymous said...

I had no idea so many people knew this couple personally...enough to comment on what goes on in their intimate relationship.

Anonymous said...

"we absolutely should be blaming the patriarchy for this, because it is the very male dominated power structure we live in that..." blah blah blah.

"The patriarchy" -- "The Man" -- "The System" -- "Corporate America"--these are all code for "Let's throw up our hands and just wallow in victimhood."

Lolo said...

Anon @6:33 and also the asshat who implied that no they're not implying a racial component BUT they're just saying~

First off, in this lily white suburb I live in, I'm privileged to hear the neighbors' teens hang out in their yards and jokingly refer to their girlfriends as "whores, cunts, bitches" and other delightfully chivalrous petnames. These girls giggle and laugh and puke their lovely guts out in the bushes while putting up with even grosser slurs against them. We wonder how it would make their fathers feel if they were to hear the parties.

We model what is acceptable for our children, both sons and daughters and while television et al does have sway, what we instill hopefully does ultimately win out.

To suggest that race plays a part is sooooo friggin ignorant.

I have some little bit of input to the local shelter for women and children who are building new lives out of the wreckage of domestic abuse. The women? All races and ethnicities, all walks of life and they all share one thing. They escaped, with only the clothes on their backs, with their lives from battering, potentially murdering, men.

To suggest that someone like Rihanna is safe from that level of violence is to be more clueless than OJ's dog.

I hope that being charged with two felonies at least sends some little bit of message to other men in Brown's position.

Anonymous said...

"What should be said, is that men who abuse women should END abusing women."

Well duh.

That's a complex goal, and it's going to take a complex approach. One of the most important parts of the solution: Teach men that if you hit a woman, you will lose her.

Instantly. Forever.

That means women are going to have to learn to walk away, and stay away.

Anonymous said...

"as women, our first instinct is to protect our own. it just is. so i think the frustration with rihanna is at first we all felt like protecting her, we were behind her, she was one of us."

She is STILL one of us, and I STILL feel like protecting her and I'm STILL behind her. That's the reason so many of us are upset about her staying with Chris; because we want her to be healthy and strong and safe. We hate what Chris did to her, AND we hate the fact that she seems to be staying with him in spite of that.

I am tired of people suggesting that any time we all don't agree with them, that we're tools of the patriarchy. People should be allowed to hold different opinions without being told that they are "anti-woman."

Anonymous said...

I certainly don't believe that there's any genetic component to abusing women. However, to my enormous sadness, I do think that there's more tolerance of domestic violence within the black community. We have felt under attack from "outsiders" for so many generations, that we hesitate to criticize our own even when they commit heinous acts.

Would we have been more vocal in our outcries had OJ been white and Nicole: black? Yes.

Would we have be more likely to speak out if Chris Brown were white? Yes.

Do this conspiracy of silence -- somehow believing that we are doing a disservice to our African American brothers by calling them out on terrible behavior -- need to change? Hell yes!

judy said...

"as women, our first instinct is to protect our own. it just is. so i think the frustration with rihanna is at first we all felt like protecting her, we were behind her, she was one of us."

Actually, no. Female jurists are traditionally the most hardass on rape victims. It's because by admitting it could happen to anyone—you're admitting that it could happen to YOU. So we look for reasons to blame the victim. Just like a lot of you are doing here.

It's great that some of you think you would never be with someone who beat the crap out of you, but some of us have. And you wouldn't know it if you just met us on the street, either. We're strong, weak, black, white, rich, poor—there is no one *type* who ends up at the wrong end of a fist.

Also, nobody punches you on the first date. It's a long process of beating you down emotionally and by the time the fists start, a lot of times you're practically dead inside already.

I really hope this young girl can get herself out of there. The news today has interviews with her parents who can no longer reach her. All her numbers and email addresses have been changed. This is chilling.

heartbreakingly beautiful said...

word up, Ms. SueBee Honey and judy.

And yes, Anon 8:07, my feminist opinions ARE transparent, and I gladly & gratefully proffer them in love to all.

Time to pray for Rihanna's safety, health, and well being. At the very least, we can probably all agree on that.

Anonymous said...

March 6, 2009 6:33 AM

Oh yeah! Parenting is a bitch.

I overheard my 16 year-old step son and two of his friends discussing it. (I don't why they think they can't be heard when they are in the game room.)

They said they heard she gave him herpes and that is why he beat her. Then they laughed and said she deserved it, if that was true.

None of these boys are my children, but I gave them an earful. A) No one deserves to be beaten - regardless of sex / gender / age / race. B) Domestic violence is funny. C) Herpes is a serious STD, when you get it you have it for life. Condoms will not only prevent pregnancy, they will help keep you healthy and may indeed save your life. If you are having sex, use them.

My step son said I embarassed him. I don't care. I have been expecting a call from one of the boys mothers, but so far it hasn't come. Either the boys didn't tell their parents about my "lecture" as my step son called it, or their parents jumped on my band wagon.

Teach your children well.

Anonymous said...

Actually, blaming the victim is "anti-woman". That's just a fact.

Anonymous said...

Actually, putting words into our mouths is anti-woman.

alexis said...

judy, you sound like the hardass juror you mention in your comment! laughed much lately? geez.

Melissa said...

Celebrities should never be role models
they are just not up to the task. Leave that job parents.

I wonder if Rihanna thinks of herself as
a victim yet maybe not.

We are all the victims of our own choosing.
Myself, I was a victim of thinking that the bad boy was the most attractive.
For years.That was the legacy of a bad boy Dad.
Gorgeous....but bad.
I had to learn what real love looked like, and that learning took years.
I think we are all wounded in some shape or form.
I have no interest in shifting blame to patriarchy.
Nor did I hear decorno blaming Rihanna for his behaviour.
Her choice to stay has consequences.

kristin said...

I think the statement by the director of the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline is problematic because it seems to dismiss looking into why women stay and accept abuse. I think that investigating that is as important as investigating why people are abusive to their partners.

I don't want to put a lot of responsibility on Rihanna by expressing disappointment in her for being a bad role model. I am disappointed that she is staying with him, but her choice is statistically expected. She is a role model of sorts for young people, but obviously this situation is way out of her control and she lacks the skills and possibly the support right now to make a better decision. The comments made by a few parents here illustrate the right thing: those closer to young people than a photographed celebrity educate them about what is right and wrong.

I don't remember Pamela Anderson being widely and continuously praised for filing for a divorce 2 days after Tommy Lee smacked her, so I think the stink about celebrity role models is being used here to create ratings. And yes, I know that Pam and Tommy have since been involved, but seriously, when she did that, I was proud of her, and the news and magazines weren't swarming to congratulate her.

As for Rihanna, I am sad that she seemingly doesn't have a role model right now that is helping her get out of this situation. I hope that some good people will be able to help her. Perhaps next week's question can be what can we do to help dv victims get out of the abuse cycle?

Anonymous said...

I say a prayer every night for god to send the strength and wisdom to leave to all who suffer from mental and physical abuse.

I also thank him everyday that passes that my abuser has vanished "physically" from my life.

But I pray I never forget the fear and sadness he caused me.

It's all up to her now...we can just hope she chooses wisely.

Decorina said...

A friend has an anti-DV website called EADV. It is an excellent resource for women who are trying to find their way out of a DV situation. I contribute what I can - and watch with sadness as the abused women return over and over to their abuser. Then, I cheer each time they finally get away.

Eventually some, not all, women who are abused get out of the situation. And finding a group of supportive women who have been there is a big help.

Anonymous said...

I bet Rihanna feels guilty for whatever hell is about to come down on Chris Brown. That's why she's staying. Even though he basically decided to try to kill her, she feels bad. Gotta love that domestic violence cycle of abuse. I just hope someone gets her on the phone with tina turner, stat.

s. said...

s. said...

Chris Brown just won Nikelodeon's Kids' Choice Award. *blink* How could this happen? Why did no one at the network say, Stop - we cannot allow an abuser to win this award?

Goes from bad to worse.

Lindsay said...

Yes, there are "reasons" why women stay with their abusers. That does not make these good reasons. As for "walking a mile in Rihanna's shoes," oh for god's sake, we all do. Some commenters here are making a lot of convenient assumptions about what other writers have and have not been through. First of all, you don't have to pick cotton to oppose slavery. Secondly, as women we've *all* got problems with self-esteem, by definition, and have all faced exposure to male idiocy and hostility. The whole culture is subtly and not so subtly ranged against us, and it takes a lot of effort and guts to sidestep what it throws our way and to try to change it from within, mainly by saying no and then just fighting to get what you want. It is NOT misogyny to raise your voice at another woman in the effort to snap her out of the kind of trance Rihanna is in. Traditionally women have been subject to victim-blaming (especially by other women) but the flip-side of victim-blaming is this infantilizing victim-coddling, that whole talk-show-host-crying-crocodile-tears over them that you see on all the US talk shows, all that self-pitying confession these women are supposed to engage him. That's not good for women either, not in the slightest, and it gets them precisely nowhere. Women I know who've been abused were helped by being told in very clear terms to get out. For one thing, this kind of advice inherently supports their side of the story. And as for all those people whining that Decorno et al are not blaming the abuser, well duh, *of course* they are, or they wouldn't be urging Rihanna to leave. It's so obvious it's hardly worth mentioning. Did you miss something? People like Chris Brown aren't reachable with any kind of logic, and ranting about male manipulation is just spitting into the wind. It's women who have to walk away from that - you have to put your energy where it's best used. Chris Brown is a damaged thug and needs to be dealt with, but the first order of business is to get that woman away from him. Decorno, don't stop sticking your neck out. As for all these "I'm taking you off my birthday party list" commenters, above? Why is it always "Anonymous" who stomps her foot and self-righteously slams the door? That's just so easy - it smacks of the same powerlessness that caused this issue in the first place. Rihanna, gather your courage and walk away.

Wheelchair said...

Hey, very nice site. I came across this on Google, and I am stoked that I did. I will definitely be coming back here more often. Wish I could add to the conversation and bring a bit more to the table, but am just taking in as much info as I can at the moment. Thanks for sharing.
Travel Wheelchairs

Keep Posting:)

Wheelchair said...

Hey, very nice site. I came across this on Google, and I am stoked that I did. I will definitely be coming back here more often. Wish I could add to the conversation and bring a bit more to the table, but am just taking in as much info as I can at the moment. Thanks for sharing.
Wheelchair Travel

Keep Posting:)