Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Putting the porn back into Decorno.


Hey, swingers!



OMG, can you believe I got this email today? I love it. Put your bossy Advice Caps on, kids.

Hi Decorno!

I've been a fan of your blog for over a year now... Although I Iove your decorating/design posts, I look forward to the candidness of your relationship/sex posts. Now I find myself in a situation where I'd love to get both you and your readers advice about my relationship. I'll try to keep it to the point.

My husband and I have been married ten years. Trouble is, he's not a very good lover. He's tries very hard -- has bought books, etc, but just gets very nervous and will loose his erection. He's been to therapy and hypnosis, tried drugs and potions and although it's helped a little bit, things are always fragile in this area. Over the years I've been very supportive and have basically given up on having sex with him. I just take what I can get...:(

A few months ago, I don't really know when it happened but my libido has just gone crazy. I think about sex constantly and it seems that no amount of sex with him (it's not much) or with myself seems to satisfy the desire. I tried to just deal with it but I feel like I'm too young to just dry up (I'm 36). Then one night we were talking about things and came to the conclusion that maybe we both should explore the idea of having sex with other people. I told him that maybe if he's with another women he may not feel so much pressure to perform (I can be a bit aggressive). And while I've never ever been the type of person who would have ever thought I'd be open to the idea of an open marriage, I'm desperate. I haven't had a mind blowing orgasm in years! I love my husband tremendously and I know I want to grow old with him but I'm not really sure what else to do. He said he's okay with me being with other men too as long as I come back to him.

Is he the world's most amazing husband or am I the world's worst wife?

Help! Should I have a fling and get it out of my system?? Will I regret it forever?

thank you!
-k




Dear K -

He's giving you permission to sleep around. Go for it. People aren't really meant for monogamy and it's what leads to bed death . Seriously, give it a few weeks, have another talk, and if he's cool with it, go for it. You won't regret it forever if you know he's really, truly, consistently over many weeks, giving you persmission to get your rocks off AS LONG as he's not agreeing to it in some weird, sad desperation move to keep you. He should get to hump other legs, too, otherwise you're going to have this weird my-husband-is-practically-a-eunuch power imbalance in your relationship and it will make him as unsexy as a stay-at-home dad. (JJ and Edie, YOU bitches get to defend that one, not me.)

But the question I am not clear on is, what's the real problem here? Sleeping with other dudes will be super fun, but you will likely find the inconvenience of meeting new, safe, non-gross fuckable people will grow as tiresome as it did when you were still single and you will be stuck with Mr. Bad Lay. Mr. Bad Lay needs to get GOOD at this shit. Maybe he's gay. I mean, what do I know. It's possible. I just find it incredibly, totally, utterly weird that a straight dude has so many sexual problems. If you have ruled out all medical, past emotional/abusive kind of issues, and if you have ruled out with totally certainty that he's actually gay, then, gosh, I don't know. Ask him what he would prefer: do you want to get better at sex, or are you tired of trying to fix that and you truly want me to get my loving elsewhere? And when he answers, you need to decide if either of those is what you really, truly want.


Readers? Fuck the economy, let's talk about lovin'.

124 comments:

Anonymous said...

The thing that's not being said is: He's not attracted to her. If it was just a hydraulics problem, he could have fixed that years ago.

They should either:

1. Get divorced, or

2. Have a wide-open relationship.

There's no other fix.

Anonymous said...

I know several people who have had "open relationships." None of these couples have lasted. Now, this is not a statistically significant sample; I've heard of many people (mostly Europeans) who manage to grow old together while fucking plenty of others on the side but I think it's a very tough line to walk. Many ground rules must be established and both in the couple must do their best to play fair.

My ex and I had terrible sex for the end of our time together. For years, I worried that he found me unattractive or might be gay. In fact, he just felt completely unconnected in our relationship - we had drifted apart over the years and no longer really shared interests or friends or goals.

Couples counseling might be a smart option for you at this point. If you do decide to go ahead with an open relationship, then a good therapist will have experience what are the most common pitfalls.

In any case, tread carefully and think about whether you truly, actually want to grow old with someone with whom you've never had hot sex. It sounds as though you're at a make or break point.

Anonymous said...

I do think the issue is that he's not into her (or they just can't make it work together). If she's happy experiencing her sex life elsewhere (and running the risk that he'll do the same with more success) then I don't see what the harm is. But it's going to open a Pandora's Box and the likelihood is that it will smash open the real fissure in the relationship. What comes next depends on the couple's ability and willingness to resolve conflict.

Anonymous said...

shheeeeet. I had an entire economy comment written- then i went to dinner and decided that it was just to gawd-awfully heinous to talk about any more- this is so much better!

SO- how is she going to feel if he starts bangin' some other lady and himself having amazing sex for the first time?

if she is "kind of aggressive" she might totally be squashing his wiener. emotionally or maybe even physically?

I know this sounds really asshole-y but sometimes when you just take a LOOK at another couple you can see that they are mis-matched, or your gay-dar goes up- i mean she could be 6'2" and 250 and he could be 5'9"and 145!!! or he could be wearing head to toe galliano with a shaved chest and tounge ring! this blind advice giving is a little bit for the birds...

final note: open relationships are just like socialism- A GREAT THEORY... but just doesn't always work out in the real world!

(and I might as well be anonymous like everyone else..)

Anonymous said...

There's no disgrace to having your first marriage crash and burn. Humans are made to be, at most, serial monogamists. They should split and move on.

Unless they are the greatest of friends, who will always hunger for each other's company. Then do the open-marriage thing.

Anonymous said...

Weiner squashing!

This is the best decor blog EVER.

Tara.Fields said...

The Savage Love Podcast has lots of great advice on this kind of thing (open relationships and how to handle them) including reference materials. Plus it can be really fun to listen to! Check it out.

Non-anonymous and everything.

Anonymous said...

Agree vehemently with Tara. Dan Savage is about 250 times smarter than any "couples counselor" out there.

Decorno said...

I love Dan Savage! I was at a bar in Seattle and this guy walked past our table, and I said "You look just like Dan Savage," and he said, "I am." And laughed. I proceeded to drunkenly tell him that he's the only person holding our Democracy together, or some such thing.

Anonymous said...

He is so fucking handsome too, in that slightly goofy, bad-Catholic-boy way.

Anonymous said...

I need to see pictures. She may be fat and fug or he may be gay. Pictures would immediately identify the problem.

No threesomes/foursomes. I've been the third spoke in two different ass bandit caravans and there is so much drama that it's barely worth it. Think of the outsider for once and keep your neurotic bullshit tamped down deep inside where it belongs.

Instead, opt for affairs - safer sex affairs that you don't talk about ever. I'm pretty sure there was a Murial Spark short story involving the loss and search for new fuck buddies. Read that for guidance.

Anonymous said...

Not sure if he ever had his hormones tested, but testosterone deficiency is an actual problem. The thyroid could also be a problem. She mentioned everything but medical counseling.

My husband had the same type of problems until I kept pushing for more and more tests. Dr.'s don't always have all the answers and sometimes you have to be your own advocate. At 30 he was going through Andropause, male menopause, but they never thought to check for it, because of his age. Best of luck, with open communication and drug therapy, it can get a whole lot better!

Anonymous said...

Oh, and if he has a soul patch and/or a white belt like Biff-Tad in the picture, you should divorce is ass immediately on principle.

Decs said...

I can't stop laughing. Biff-Tad. Genius.

David said...

K: Open relationship. You both do what you want, and at the end of the night you both go to bed together.

Don't listen to anyone who tells you they don't work. Someone always says "I knew this couple who had an open relationship and it ended horribly" and calls it proof that open relationships don't work.

But nobody ever applies the same logic to monogamy. Monogamous relationships crash and burn all the time but nobody calls it proof that monogamy doesn't work.

Enough worrying and wondering why. Sit down with him, set your ground rules, and go get your groove on. The man you fuck and the man you love don't always have to be the same.

Anonymous said...

this is going to be so lame but hey maybe it's something. not sure if this is at all possible either, but this same situation happened to a couple on a tv drama and it turned out he had a tumor on his kidney which was causing him to be unable to perform.
but i think if he really doesn't care if you sleep with someone and you really want to then go for it? i'm really sorry i can't even imagine what this must feel like

Anonymous said...

I hate people who use such words as "candidness." The word she is groping for is candor.

Anonymous said...

my last boyfriend and I had HOT sex for the first three months we were together, and then it slowly started to get less and less hot...and then he was just never into it anymore. I couldn't figure it out, I tried everything to get him in the sack, but it just wasn't happening. Lo and behold it turned out the fucker was totally addicted to porn. like masturbating 5-6 times a day, everyday. so...i don't know, maybe he has some explaining to do? just a thought....

Anonymous said...

I pity the woman who ends up wither her lame-in-the-sack hubby in a swap. It will be like that Rudyard Kipling story "Switch Bitch". If he stinks in be - please don't unleash him on the rest of us.

Thank you.

Anonymous said...

That's happened with my boyfriend and I too. Totally hot at the beginning, but then it's totally fizzled out! He says it's work.. I think that's bullshit.

Sex is very important and often a reflection of the relationship as well. Did you guys EVER have hot sex? What about right at the beginning of the relationship. Perhaps you should find out if he had this problem with his previous partners.

Anonymous said...

anon 10.40. I LOLed at ur comment.

Would hate to be her too, or just be reallyyyy confused.

Anonymous said...

Think of the outsider for once and keep your neurotic bullshit tamped down deep inside where it belongs.

Love this quote and it is so true. Who doesn't have whacky fantasie they would never act upon - that is called civilized.

Just keep working with him - I for one would love to have a spouse like him so I could try and get him going. Instead I have one that is like a johnny on the spot or something and I always have to be so ready for him and I am just usually, so ..... not. I love him, I am just so tired of the whole exersize. I have had amazing sex, mind blowing, spontaneous tearing up, the whole works in my life and now I just want to spoon and go to sleep. So I seriously have some issues I guess. I am just not that into sex anymore. But, I digress. In this persons situation - I think that maybe he is just not that into you. Sorry.

Anonymous said...

Just cheat. It will be all the more exciting.

Anonymous said...

Viagra. Amen.

Anonymous said...

I'm thinking more simple about this. What's the point of a relationship if you're going to go and have sex with someone else? Why not just be friends with your former spouse, and find yourself a real realtionship.

I think he either:
-Isn't that into his wife and has no passion whatsoever, which brings out the question is this woman willing to give up passion for comfort, or:
-He is giving up, feels he's a failure so he's letting his wife go; which must be very heartbreaking for him.

Anonymous said...

If you love him, an open sexual relationship is not going to work. You have to decide to stay and work it out, or if a satisfying sex life is important enough to move on (and it is). Life is too short. Are you giving yourself enough credit to imagine a life where you can have it all? What if you could fall in love and get everything? Happened for me.

Been there, done that.

Mrs. Limestone said...

I can't imagine a scenario where this plays out well. Good luck to her though.

Kwana said...

At first I laughed but now I'm not. This is just sad. She's laughing it off but it's no joke. He's got a serious problem either sexual or you may be right gay or not attracted to her and if so why stay in the marriage. Be you are are. She's only 36 and should move on. Be friends that's what they are now. This can't end well.
Both are taking tame away from finding relationships that may be good for them. A lifetime of this?
Get good counseling and then make a decision.

Anonymous said...

this is like breaking the waves, suburb style.

Anonymous said...

You're all telling yourselves stories to comfort yourselves--tumors, gayness, hormone levels, he's a loser, she's fat, "Pictures would immediately identify the problem"...but the ugly, story-less truth is:

Lifelong, happy, horny monogamy isn't that common. The whole "having it all" thing, where you're best friends AND hot for each other the rest of your lives? In good part that's a construction of the post-WWII American advertising industry.

People compensate. They prop up relationships with things like "Well, we have children, we can't leave" or "sex is not that important to us anymore."

PS: Disagree (from experience) that the "outsider"/"third spoke" gets the raw deal. The outsider can take off.

lecaro said...

Having an affair or open relationship is a short-term fix to a long-term problem. I really don't think the couple wants to spend the rest of their lives seeking sexual partners outside of marriage and then climbing into bed at night with a frustrated spouse.

The husband needs to see a doctor to determine if there is a physiological reason for the problem. It really could be any number of things. Then they both need to see a therapist, both separately and together, to determine the best course of action for themselves. Quite frankly, it might not be the same answer for both of them. But with such a large issue looming in their marriage, the sooner they take action, the sooner they will get relief.

Monogamy works for some people; for others it doesn't. It's not fair to issue blanket statements that assume it NEVER happens or conversely, that it is the ONLY way.

Paul Anater said...

You get out of life precisely what you put into it. If you tell yourself that an open relationship is bad, then it will be bad. If you tell yourself that it's good, then it will be good. How a situation plays out is determined entirely by the motives that brought it about in the first place. That's not some new-age woo-woo bullshit either.

Dumbwit Tellher ♥ said...

Call me a party pooper, but after listening to my college student son, I can only think STD's! Not all are prevented by a condom. I'm no fun am I?

Kimberly Julie said...

Your candidness is both refreshing and hilarious, Decorno. I love it.

And I agree that an open relationship will lead to such a cluster-fuck of problems that the marriage will be unsalvageable.

Sid said...

Has the husband EVER had satisfying sex with a woman? Did the couple have satisfying sex BEFORE marriage? I have to wonder why this situation took ten years to boil over.

At any rate, the couple probably needs to just get a divorce. Trying to find a continuing stream of appropriate sex partners will prove to be exhausting and unfulfilling. And then, if she finds a good one, what happens when they decide they want to be together all the time? I think she'll get over the love for her husband pretty quickly.

So it's divorce now or divorce later.

Anonymous said...

There is no way he won't care if you're off having hot sex with someone else. He will feel like shit because someone else is providing you with this essential thing that he cannot. Fuck someone else and hurt him. Leave him and hurt him. There is no good way out of this unless you are both willing to work on it. Unfortunately, I have no guess as to what that might entail. A former bf had a similar situation to your husband's. I don't know what triggered it, but it worked out. There were two essential problems: our sex was routine (it generally happened the same way every time, in the same place) and he didn't feel wanted (more emotionally than sexually). The routine and the feeling merged and led to problems. The breakthrough happened when we went away on a trip. We walked into our room and we were both like, "you wanna?" and we did. The goodness of that diminished his anxiety and good sex followed. I think maybe there were a few relapses, I can't remember. In the end it was him that was a bit bored by me. Is there a way you can instigate sex differently? Avoid the "same old thing." Try and get him when his guard is down and his mind is free (I guessing his mind is a big part of this). Maybe start by waking him with a midnight bj and go from there.

Anonymous said...

"Having an affair or open relationship is a short-term fix to a long-term problem."

But that's all life is: short-term fixes to long-term problems.

Anonymous said...

They need to get divorced. Do it now when they can split amicably and be civilized about it. I think he is just agreeing with her to keep her. As soon as she gets fucked by the first guy or guys, the jealousy will show and things will become bitter and nasty. Couples who are into open relationships and make them work are on the same page/wavelength. They both need to find others who they are sexually compatible with. How sad it would be if her fucking around caused him to get HIV or any other disease out there. I am more concerned about the guy here...we don't know his side...She deserves to be happy and so does he! But they can't make an open relationship last. From my experience in open relationships...he's not ready for it! I wish em luck!

Anonymous said...

It cracks me up, all the people (all women, I bet) who keep protesting: "An open relationship can't possibly work!"

The fact is, they are going on all the time, all around you, and many are working just fine.

You just don't know about them.

iona said...

I'm with Dumbwit. Diseases and germy things immediately come to mind and then I think of my asshole ex who gave me an STD while I was pregnant with his son. There is something to be said for monogamy but w/out good sex it sucks. Divorce or an open relationship presents the same germy problems. I suggest a good vibrator and couples sex therapy.

K said...

Hi Everyone -- This is K

First, D, *thank you* so much for posting this!!

I wanted to speak about the gay thing... BELIEVE me when I say I thought the same thing! I have out and out asked him and he's completely denied it. I have found girly magazines around the house and he's admitted to paying for some porn sites too. He's not uber masculine but he is attracted to women. This I know.

When we met, I *was* fat. I was pretty big. He was very supportive about me getting fit and losing weight and since then I've lost about 60lbs. I'm pretty tiny now and athletic. I'm hotter now that I've ever been which I think is part of the problem. He works out a lot too and looks great -- I'm totally attracted to him. He says he loves my new body and is always touching me...he's very attracted to me, he gets hard when we're making out, it's just when it's time to perform he gets so anxious he just goes flaccid. He's so concerned with making me happy that he stresses himself out.

The problem with us is that he wants Lifetime for Women sex and I just want to get fucked...porno style. I want aggressive and it's just not who he is. If I want Kenny G playing and crap like that, I could have that. It's just not enough! I'm bored to tears and tired of "scaring the penis".

I hope this helps...

Oh and divorce isn't an option. I love this man. We have children. I don't want to break up.

Keep the comments coming!!

Sid said...

Geez, go see a sex therapist then. He or she can show you tricks for training your husband to stay hard and find some common ground so your sex life works for the both of you.

Anonymous said...

i just love it that this is the first posting that nobody is arguing. everybody gets up-in-arms over antlers on the wall or crazy-ass chintz, but this brings the folks together. who knew?!

Anonymous said...

Definitely therapy BEFORE fucking around. And even after therapy, probably not fucking around.

Anonymous said...

anon 8:18
Hilarious! Who knew right?
But seriously, I guess on some level we've all been there at one point or another... at least most of the married peeps. At the end of the day whoever said that loads of 'open' relationships work, you just don't know about them was right. But it seems like this couple has already opted for a more honest path, so in that spirit... Go to therapy. Give it your all, if there is love, and not just a loving friendship, then there is hope. It doesn't sound like either really wants an open relationship, it sounds like they don't think they have any other options left. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

FYI Anon 10:40: "Switch Bitch" is a great story. But it was penned by Roald Dahl, not Rudyard Kipling.

Anonymous said...

Seriously, people! What ever happened to COMMITMENT!? Stop thinking from inside your pants. If need be, go get a hysterectomy and kill your libido like your husbands! You can be eunuchs together.

leni said...

i think i'd rather go back to discussing the economy! this topic is a little depressing and awkward.

Lolo said...

Viagra. Seriously. That shit is like hotwiring the dick straight to a caveman. All that romantic, feely softy just gets ground into the sheets so quickly that you'll get friction burns.

If he loves you as much as you think he does and he's a Kenny G. kinda guy then I would stay away from the open marriage business. That way lies heartbreak, guilt and madness for someone who is that devoted to you. It sounds like he just needs a bypass switch on the "lovemaking" and the Viagra will take him straight to fucking your brains stupid.

Anonymous said...

When my Sweetie was 25 pounds overweight and working 100 hours a week, there was very little sex in the champagne room. Now he's thin again, unemployed, and spends half his waking hours at the gym, and the other half chasing me around the apartment.

My point is that sex ebbs and flows in a relationship. Its more probably worth the time to sort out any contributing sources of stress through therapy, before adding on the stress of an open relationship.

Cristina said...

Exercise. Exercise gets blood to the private parts - male and female.

Have you tried getting him drunk?
Here's a scenario:
Kids at a sleepover
a twelve pack of your choice,
Put a blindfold on him and play some NIN - you know the song I mean.

Seriously though, You need to get his mind out of the "mother of my children" mentalality. However you have to do that. Play acting. Dress up like a maid or something. and ask him what turns him on? take your time and show him how fun a wham-bam can be.

But before you sleep around - ease back a bit and take him to a strip club or something. Test it out and see what gets him hot.

And if you're going to sleep with someone else. He gets to watch. That only seems fair to me.

us said...

The element being left out of this convo is the reason why I've never ever ever heard of an open relationship working (and I have a lot of really smart friends who tried really hard to beat the game) is that one of the players always falls for one of the people they are screwing.
You can talk it to death in advance and agree not to, but don't hold your breath.
As for why the hubby can't get more than a chubby,(since we are all taking turns at blind diagnosis) is he fat? So many of these widespread sexual problems connect to equipment failure due to obesity.
Just an idear.

us said...

Hi K
- just read that he isn't fat. This sounds like a true psychological problem. it's called anxiety.
If divorce is not an option then screwing around shouldn't even be on your radar. It will destroy your marriage, bottom line.
Get the mofo to a shrink, medication might help - and obviously there's Viagra.
ick. but seriously, why would you consider other sex partners before you've tried that??

Anonymous said...

I have been there to some degree with my husband.

This sounds like a simple case of anxiety to me - especially if you say you're aggressive, and he's a lovey dovey G rated lay. If you could try and be super encouraging a time or two when this happens to him instead of getting huffy or visibly annoyed, I promise you from experience that he will gain confidence really soon and be much better. Give him time/patience after it happens and let it come back. Then, be ready to pounce. You have to fake it some until he gets hard again and you finally get to do it, but just bear wit it until then. Like I said - a couple of those instances turning out successfully will do wonders. After he gets confident, teach him how to be rough and stuff! When you get to that point, he will see how much you love it, and that will continue to help him. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

You were heavy and then lost weight?

He's a chubby chaser.

Anonymous said...

Go (alone) to a great therapist or get a divorce. I have yet to see an open marriage that is healthy. Open marriages are cop outs. Get healthy or get out.

Anonymous said...

Let me get this straight, there are children involved, but she wants to play around with fire and fuck a bunch of strangers so she can stay married? How does this compute? Makes me think someone is bored today and making stuff up for her (or his) own amusement.

Nikki said...

I spent a lot of time wondering how Rudyard Kipling went from "The Jungle Book" to "Switch Bitch". No open marriage when kids are involved. One day it will come out and seriously mess you up.

Anonymous said...

"Open marriages are cop outs."

A statement based on fear, not data.

Anonymous said...

"I have yet to see an open marriage that is healthy."

Sampling error (Statistics 101). You only see ones that have failed. The way you live does not expose you to the ones that work.

David said...

One partner does not always fall for someone else. Can it happen? Sure, I actually know someone it happened to. But always? Nope.

12 wide-open years under my belt and the idea of meshing my life with anyone else couldn't be more unappealing.

And before anyone says "yeah, but it's two guys in your relationship, that's different" let me tell you, it's not. We face the same sorts of issues faced by any two people committed to making a life together. The only advantage we have is no preconceived notion about what a relationship MUST be to be successful.

Anonymous said...

He's either not attracted to you since you lost the weight or you are busting his balls some kind of way. Let the man be the g-ddamn man and make sure he fucking feels like one. Stop trying to go out and fuck other people until you figure out your role in this.

Anonymous said...

"I have yet to see an open marriage that is healthy. Open marriages are cop outs. Get healthy or get out."

Really? The only way to "get healthy" is to "get monogamous"?

You are about as credible as someone who declares:

"I have yet to see a same-sex relationship that is healthy"

or

"I have yet to see a sexual relationship outside of marriage that is healthy"

or

"I have yet to see a relationship not centered on penis-into-vagina sex that is healthy"

Anonymous said...

K, I just want to say, I'm in a similar situation and I know how you feel. I'm 34, been with the same guy who I adore for 6 years. Sex was hot in the very beginning, then gradually ebbed to maybe once or twice a month and then usually ho-hum and by the book. I told him MANY times I wanted to try some new things, mix it up, and though he always says "great" when we actually have tried to mix it up (at my initiative), it hasn't really seemed to excite him and he never makes an effort at all to do anything but the SAME, EXACT boring moves. Literally, I know exactly what is going to happen in order and for how long. The other issue is what you talked about---he goes soft CONSTANTLY, and its become such a turnoff for me I almost have PTSD. I feel like my vagina is a place where erections go to die. Or it doesn't even get that far. This last year was terrible for him, and he basically lost whatever was left of his sex drive, or so he says. I know he's not cheating or gay or addicted to porn. He just likes to pretend there isn't a problem. But of course I'm DYING and don't know what to do. I don't think I'm the open relationship type and he definitely would be too jealous.

In the meanwhile, I've gotten really in shape and get hit on all the time. I need some SERIOUS dirty, no-holds-barred, move the bed into the center of the room SEXALATION.

It sounds to me like your guy has some serious anxiety issues that he needs to discuss with a shrink. Maybe he's insecure or liked you better heavy or has hangups you can't even imagine. I would definitely try that and a full medical workup before I start sleeping around. Because after the sex---I think it would be hard to come home to your kids and hubby and not feel totally guilty and weird. Plus STDs are an issue.

In my case I'm not so sure. He was seeing a shrink, but it hasn't really helped the sex yet. Hearing my frustration isn't exactly a turn on either. I think maybe depression over the events of this last year (long job loss, $$ problems, family issues with his mom, etc) combined to neuter him. Can that be reversed? I hope so. Good luck K!! We are gonna need it!

Anonymous said...

"Viagra will take him straight to fucking your brains stupid."

Read the original post, in which k writes: "He's been to therapy and hypnosis, tried ***drugs and potions***"

It doesn't matter anyway. Viagra has no effect on hormones or sex drive. All it affects are the capillaries in the penis. Hydraulics.

What you're describing is referred to as The Placebo Effect.

Anonymous said...

Can you both try edging toward what the other wants? Toward some kind of middle?

Like you could TRY about seven minutes of Kenny G sex?

And then he could TRY seven minutes of saying "You want it bitch" and slapping his dick in your face?

I mean: Approach it like an experiment, and be good-natured about it?

Be open about the fakiness, even? Be a little playful? Just to experiment. To see where it leads.

Not be all grim and "This must succeed or we are doomed!"

Leo said...

I have to wonder if people would be so eager for the writer to have an affair or get divorced if the tables were turned and it was the man complaining that his wife was "frigid" and suggesting if he didn't get some relief soon, he would go nuts? If he stated that he wanted porn star sex and all she wanted was "Lifetime for Women" sex?

And what, exactly, is wrong with monogamy within the confines of a committed relationship? It's a total cop-out to suggest that humans aren't wired for it, so why even try? Bringing new life to a tired relationship can be challenging. Yeah, it might be easier to go fuck around, at least in the short-term. But is that really the best thing for you and your partner? Is that the best thing for the children you happened to bring into the world? No long-term relationship is without its peaks and valleys, but the rewards of jointly working toward a solution to problems far outweigh the cheap thrills of a one-night stand or affair.

Anonymous said...

says who?

Anonymous said...

Oh.My.God.
My bf and I have been having the same problem for about 9 months now. He's overweight and gets out of breath after a few minutes of sex. He's the Kenny G. type and I'm Ms. Hard Core. When we do have sex (which is rare) he loses his erection pretty easily. I'm tired of it and completely bored out of my mind. But he's incredibly affectionate in every other way.

Meanwhile, I'm getting hit on by a guy who is at least 20 years younger than me. It's really tempting to fuck the younger guy. (I keep thinking about that hard dick!) But the truth is I don't even feel sexy anymore. I can't for the life of me get why this young, cute guy could possibly be hot for me. I keep thinking "What's the catch?" (Perhaps this is material for another decorno advice-off)

Anonymous said...

Leo,

We're wired for serial monogamy, not lifelong monogamy.

terre said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
rerun said...

i'm late to the party as usual, but if you're reading this far, i'll keep going. try reading dan savage's column, 'savage love'. i'm CERTAIN he's covered this. also, i'll throw out there that it's possible hubby is het and that he wants wilder stuff to get him off, and he hasn't felt comfortable sharing that. open relationships can work, but it's a helluva lotta work. also good of decorno to talk about finding fuckable people who aren't asshats. it's a whole lot harder than you think. another suggestion: sex clubs and house parties. good luck

rerun said...

you know, i dated a guy who was just LOVELY in so many ways. the chemistry was wonderful, the dick, easily deflated. he kinda sorta admitted to depression, but no amount of constant, loving prompting could get him to address it. fast forward a few years later and he's on anti depressants, and doing SWELL. i know you've tried drugs that addressed the immediate issue, but what about one that tackles the root cause? also, cannot stress dan savage enough. wish you well.

Anonymous said...

Leo:

You've never had a one-night stand, have you.

K said...

It's K again -

Thank you - I have read everyone's comments.

I think for us there is no easy answer. I have been so patient over the years, so much so in fact, that I buried my own needs in exchange for his... I basically just turned off my need for sex and now it's come back to bite me in the you-know-where! So something has to change... i just wish I knew what the next step should be before I do something I'll really regret.

I know the man isn't gay... it's just the way he is and I have to decide if I'm happy living the rest of my life with way. I know in my heart that I don't want to be with anyone else but I am so sexually frustrated I just want to scream sometimes.

He hasn't been to the doctor so I will suggest that. We haven't tried therapy either because it seems to me that no amount of talking will fix what is really comes down to a personality trait. But maybe I'm wrong... I've done this long so what's another year, right?

Again, I sincerely appreciate everyone's heartfelt comments. It's helped me gain some much needed hindsight. :) Thank you!

Anonymous said...

K:

Was it ever good sexually with him?

If it was once good, did the decline coincide with anything else changing in your lives?

Did the sex go downhill around the time you started to lose the weight? Maybe he preferred being the attractive one?

Anonymous said...

K - go and get therapy but in the meantime why not give Viagra a try? Many people have suggested it but I didn't see any comments from you addressing this so I'm wondering if this just not an option for the two of you.

Anonymous said...

K: good, I'm glad that you will go see a doctor.

Also, look into a porn-addiction again. Many men are addicted to porn, but it is embarrassing, and so it can take a lot for the problem to come out into the open. And a man addicted to porn sucks in bed. My girlfriends and I have each been in long-term relationships with porn-addicts, and the symptoms varied, such as not keeping an erection or never being able to orgasm, but the thing that was constant was the suckiness of the sex.

My worry about having an open relationship is that your husband may say it's okay just to keep you, but actually having you sleep with other people will break his heart and the relationship. Or vice versa. You are looking to sleep with someone else, which is a leading cause of divorce, so just be aware. It's all fine and well to create ground rules, but people's emotions don't always abide by rules.

Leo said...

We're not "wired" for anything. To suggest that you're powerless to stay faithful is a huge cop-out.

Have I ever had a one-night stand? Hundreds of them. Before I was married.

I am not going to suggest, though, that monogamy is the blanket answer to every situation. Not knowing the couple personally, none of us can evaluate their situation effectively so as to render a judgment, and now it appears as if they haven't seen either a doctor or a therapist yet. I think the writer should do everything in her power to address the situation and convince her husband to do the same before embarking on means outside the marriage to get relief.

And perhaps I missed mention of it in the earlier responses, but who says the only way for a woman to get off is with a stiff dick?

Anonymous said...

Whatever happened to "for better or worse". You made vows to this man in the eyes of God. You made a promise to him, come what may, to take the good with the bad. Why get married anyway if you don't understand the seriousness of the commitment?

How immature that a stiff dick is propelling you to write such a letter and to seek sex outside of your marriage. Honestly, this woman sounds just gross and selfish. Get a good vibrator and call it a day. Chose to love your husband. And, what kind of husband would agree to an open marriage? Maybe one that doesn't care the way he should.

Go to counseling and see if the problems can be mediated. Otherwise if you seek to go outside of your marriage vows, do the right thing and call it a day, FIRST.

K said...

K here again --

Just to clarify a few things...

- He went to a doctor for ED and they gave him some topical stuff and Viagra. I will admit that he got hard from both but it was me that had a problem with it. I guess, deep down, I feel like I should be enough to get him hard and I didn't like that he had to use them as a crutch. He eventually went to therapy about his inability to stay hard and was able to get a lot of help by discussing his anxiety issues. The doctor advised that he use a bio-feedback device to help him to calm down before he came to bed and it actually worked great...to some extent. If he did everything the doctor said and still either couldn't get erect or would get erect but lose it, it was like a house of cards falling down on his psyche. At that point was extremely supportive and encouraging and to take the pressure off of him, we maintained an oral-sex only (for me) relationship sexually. This went on for about six months. If we slept together and he got hard, awesome but if he didn't then we had a Plan B and I always put on a happy face.

When we were first together, sex was really fun...but when he reached 40 it's like things just slowly started to decline. He put on some weight and was self conscience of the way he looked. But then we dieted together and he took off all the weight, started an intense workout regime and then some and looked amazing, still does!

This is it in a nutshell: I just want to have sex and not think about if he's going to get hard or not. Like one other commenter said, I feel like I have PTSD because I cannot relax anymore when we have sex. My mind races the whole time and I can never just enjoy it. It's like his anxiety has pervaded my psyche. I think in the beginning it was good because I *could* just relax and have fun and so could he... but now after years of mollycoddling, each time we're together there's no escaping the reality of what's it been in the past.

The thing is, if I have sex with someone else, I know I'll miss my husband the entire time, unable to relax it and enjoy. So even that's not really an option either, but the idea of it seems like it would be. If I didn't love the man, it would make this whole situation so much easier.

Thanks again for everyone's interest. Does anyone know of a good sex therapist in Seattle?? :)

- K

Anonymous said...

K -- first you said he hadn't been to a doctor or a therapist, then you amend that to say he has. Which is it? Have to say, you're constant seesawing about what has and hasn't happened makes me believe this is all a load of bull.

Anonymous said...

Agreed.

K said...

K - here

I said in my email to D that we had been to the doctor - "potions and pills" - I was referring to an ED specialist.

When I wrote again I said would suggest that he go to the doctor but what I should have clarified was regarding getting his hormones checked. The ED specialist didn't do any of that.

And just to lastly, we've never been to doctor together (therapist) but he has on his own.

I really wish this was fake... but it's not.... you really think someone would make this up??

Anonymous said...

Leo:

Shhhh. The grownups are talking.

Lolo said...

K -

So the Viagra works for him but not for you?? The poor man just can't catch a break, it seems. He's past 40 and one of the guys who suffers from a bit of ED so if the potions and pills work for him then I think it's def time for you to work on your issues. Good luck and I don't even think you're cooking this up.

Anonymous said...

I have to agree. Why can't you let him enjoy his success, no matter how he achieves it?

"I didn't like that he had to use them as a crutch"

That's just cruel.

Anonymous said...

K-first of all, ignore the moralists. you don't need that.
second, get thee to the gottman institute in seattle asap for some couples therapy. they'll be able to recommend a sex therapist if you need one. http://www.gottman.com/

Anonymous said...

Not moralists, pragmatists.

If she's already rejected solutions that worked, why offer more?

Leo said...

"Leo:

Shhhh. The grownups are talking."

Oh, Anonymous, please share your vast wisdom with me and point out the error of my ways. What part of what I said do you object to? That fucking around is easy but monogamy is hard? That a double standard was at play here? That there might be other ways for the writer to get off?

It always amuses me how some people use anonymity on internet forums to bolster weak arguments with snark.

K said...

K here-

Fine, I admit it, I'm the one at fault... and I'm not being facetious. I actually just called him at work to apologize for being such a bitch about it. He told me he'd like to try it again. I really needed to hear this - so thank you.

( But just for the record, taking Viagra worried me because of all the side effects and the potion stuff involved injecting some stuff into the tip of his junk and well it freaked me out!! It actually hurts when he did it and can cause scar tissue... :( )

Sid said...

K, I would really like to get your husband's perspective on all this. He went to the doctor, he went on viagra and got hard, he practiced biofeedback, but this is somehow not enough for his wife, who doesn't think he should have to use a "crutch." So in spite of all that, she decides she really needs to go outside the marriage for a good, hard fuck. You must be a real joy to be with.

I don't think this is a moral issue at all. I think it's a selfishness issue, maybe a boredom issue, definitely a wanna have your cake and eat it too issue.

What's interesting about your issue is, you let little bits of information dribble out along the way that drastically affected your story. If you'd been forthcoming up front, the first five posters would have recommended a sex therapist. End of story. But you really got off on prolonging the glory, didn't you?

Anonymous said...

K-
I hope you'll ignore assholes like "Sid" and the other people here who are being moralists. You deserve to be sexually satisfied. You are not being selfish. At the same time you want to be in this relationship. You'll work something out. Go with what works for YOU. And please, do check out the Gottman institute.

Anonymous said...

Jeez, judge much? Listen, its always complicated and its never one person's complete fault. Sometimes things just shift out of alignment in a relationship, and then over time you overcompensate for the weirdness in different ways, and it can snowball into something big. Its like a muscle injury that starts with a little tweak and turns into a major drag. For K to tell the *whole* story from every angle and provide you with every detail it would have been 30 pages long.

I think its perfectly fine to feel weird about viagra, particularly if there is an underlying worry that the ED is a reaction to you. If you know the underlying issue is still there and hasn't REALLY been solved, its hard to relax and enjoy it. Like gastric bypass, you may lose the weight without solving whatever caused you to get fat in the first place.

K, it sounds like there is a lot of baggage around your sex life and maybe going to couple's therapy together would get things on the table. Maybe there are resentments or other issues underlying the sex problems that you don't really want to admit or deal with. Sex is a mirror of the relationship to a certain point---cause and symptom of problems.

Also, if he didn't have anxiety about sex from the beginning than something caused it---so maybe go back and think about what was happening in both your lives when it began (if you haven't already).

Good luck!!

Decs said...

Can I just say that therapy is crap? I have totally enjoyed all of the comments, but let's talk about this: therapy is a steaming pile of shit and does no good.


There. I said it.

Anonymous said...

To paraphrase Clive Barker, therapists are the proctologists of the mind.

That said, they serve a purpose. They are disinterested listeners/advisors with money as the sole motive - unlike clergymen or grandmas.

I'd say they work best for those who mind their own business - socialized people who 'keep a stiff upper lip' and hang those bullshit 'Keep Calm and Carry On' posters.

Anonymous said...

Decorno and other people against therapy: Have you ever tried it? Have you ever known people who have tried it? Have you looked at the research behind different forms of therapy?

I went to grief therapy after the deaths of loved ones. It helped me. I wasn't functioning before I went, and I was functioning when I stopped.

A few people here have mentioned the Gottman Institute. I think someone being able to predict if and when a couple will be divorced in the next few years to an above-90% accuracy BY LOOKING AT THEM TALK is fairly impressive. I have never been there or had their therapy, but I assume that they help couples by showing them how their responses in communication destroy their marriages and how they could do it better. Their books indicate this. Show me that YOU can identify and teach these skills, all non-specially-trained-therapists who think therapy, and the significant scientific research behind therapy, is a pile of shit.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, those big, bad moralists spoil everybody's fun, don't they? Because we should all do anything and everything we want, without regard to the consequences.

You know, it might not be morals so much as respect for one's chosen partner and concern for one's children that might cause one to try to work through problems instead of having a mindless affair, or for others to point that out. But for those of you who never progressed beyond a junior high-level of maturity and responsibility, that's just too complex to think about, isn't it?

And funny that to some, the idea of having morals is considered to be a negative.

Anonymous said...

Been there, done it. I lost respect for my husband, because he was so passive and couldn't 'man up' about so many things, that I lost my libido. We are since divorced and I've had rockin good sex ever since, with people I'm attracted to for the right reasons.

Like the couples counceling idea to get up front and honest about the situation and if that falls through, then split up. Once it's over, IT'S OVER. You can beat a dead horse into running again. AND, on top of that he may be struggling with his sexuality. Mine did...

Bottom line: you two get honest with each other about who you are, what you want, and come clean with all the hidden stuff you aren't talking about. After that, it's a whole new ball game for you both.

Anonymous said...

Open sex can either make or break a relationship. Been there, done it. You never know how it will effect your relationship until you do it the first time. Go for it and see what happens. Talk about it afterwards, be honest about your feelings, and you can't go wrong. You might decide it's for you or not at all.

Anonymous said...

"Open sex can either make or break a relationship. Been there, done it. You never know how it will effect your relationship until you do it the first time. Go for it and see what happens. Talk about it afterwards, be honest about your feelings, and you can't go wrong. You might decide it's for you or not at all."

Easily the dumbest advice of all time.

Anonymous said...

Have you tried writing to Dr. Phil?

s. said...

oh, our beloved Dan Savage also has some great, practical advice about having a sexual relationship with limp-dicked men. Give it a listen (or, maybe even better, give him a call)!

Ladies said...

Anxiety is a killer. And this isn't just a hetero thing. Money problems are a killer. Getting older is a killer.

The best thing is being honest about these things. Communication is an amazing thing; so is a vacation. When we get away from all the noise and distractions, we have great MEMORABLE sex. Rather get that once in awhile than just empty getting off all the time. But then, I really LIKE the person I'm with, not just love them for all the right" reasons.

Anonymous said...

K, if your husband has "girly magazines" laying around and tunes in for the occasional porn treat then he's obviously open to enjoying women get down right nasty. Perhaps he's not quite sure how to approach his wild side with you fearing enadquacy. Take it slow hun, I suggest starting fresh and doing a little 4play for a while then slowly kicking it up a notch. 4play is very satisfying, can be as dirrrty as you'd like and you DO NOT need a 3rd party to do this. Afterall you do still love this man and are williing to work through the ups & downs with him. This is what marriage is about; making it work. While the thought of having affairs or mindsex with other people can be thrilling its NOT the answer to your problems and in the longrun will only make matters worse. Compromise, If you want him to have nasty sex with you then you need to have betty crocker sex with him! There are 2 people in this relationship hun, not just you. Think about it, who says you can't dress up like a hot nurse and fuck while listening to neil diamond. Finito. -S

Anonymous said...

shit. I misspelled inadequacy

LRF said...

"Can I just say that therapy is crap? I have totally enjoyed all of the comments, but let's talk about this: therapy is a steaming pile of shit and does no good.


There. I said it."

Decorno-
I will not presume to know what kind of life you have had, but I also think that it's ridiculous for you to act as if you know that therapy cannot help anyone. For example soldiers with PTSD or children who have been abused or molested. What about people from abusive relationships or those who have escaped a war zone. Do not assume that everyone's life is your life. Some therapists suck, and some people need a purpose in life before they need a place to talk about it. However, your kind of attitude about the validity of psychological problems and therefore the need for specific medical treatments is why our delightful government fails to pay for therapy (you know, that useless pile of steaming crap) for soldiers who can't function because they have seen their friends blown up.

When you can look a kid in the eye who doesn't have functioning parents, went to a school with no books, toilet paper, or stall doors in the bathroom, and has been in foster care and tell them that they have to figure it out themselves because therapy is crap, then you get to write things like that from behind your computer screen.

I grew up with those kids and that specific example is my best friend, get a clue.

Anonymous said...

ARE YOU CRAZY?????????
Marriage is more than sex, woman!...

Is not the same to have the fantasy than to actually get to DO it!...
What if he really like the other woman AND LEAVES YOU?... or if he stays with you but he can never get past the fact that you were with other men?...

If he is not getting it up, I really doubt that KNOWING about your infidelity will help him!...

Good Luck, hope everything turns out fine! :)

Anonymous said...

Therapy, as most things is good and can be very helpful when done right. If you have a bad therapist it will probably do more damage then good but if you have someone good it can really help.

K - from reading what you wrote so far I think there is much more to this then 'just' sex. And eventhough I can understand your concerns about the sideeffects of drugs like Viagra it seems like that helped and might be worth another go. Obvisously there is a lot of pressure from both you and your husband that sex has to be great, and pressure makes for bad or no sex. So Viagra might just help to take some of that pressure of him.
Other then that I would suggest couples therapy because it can really help to get the perspective from someone who is an outsider.

As far as an open marriage goes, I don't think that is a solution here. It would probably just be the begining of the end.

Carrie said...

I have no advice, I just have enjoyed reading everyone else's.


I LOVE THIS BLOG.

xoxo

Anonymous said...

K,
I think a nice quality strap on and a vibrator would get you both really going. Just surf the internet or order a catalog and browse it together. Cheaper than therapy... and worth a try before you wander out the door (I think once you go out for the sex you won't be able to come back in. That man cares about you enough to say it would be okay but the irony is that he cares that much then he won't be okay about you being fulfilled by another man).

Think about how you will really really feel when he comes whistling home after a super hot night of sex with someone else (and eager to go back to her for more). Or how you might feel if he doesn't come home.

The Lil Bee said...

OH MY GOD!!! You are officially the online version of my mother, who attracts the most random people in the world to tell her their life stories.

Anonymous said...

What I truly recommend, deep down: divorce.

But if not, there is a solution that is MUCH preferable to you getting laid on the side: MASTURBATE. MASTURBATE. MASTURBATE.

There is no better cure for a raging libido and the desire for mind-blowing orgasms, and you can do it right from the comfort of your own home and marriage vows. Find what porn turns you on (written stories may be more up your alley than video, for example). Maybe have a dirty anonymous chat with someone on Craigslist Casual Encouters. Get MULTIPLE toys and try them all out, over and over. Let your husband in on the fun!

Focus on getting the ORGASMS you want in your life, not the penetrative intercourse.

And good luck.

Anonymous said...

Kudos to you Decorno. I am a big believer in therapy....with the right therapist. One of my kids has suffered from severe anxiety...has been in and out of therapy for 4 years and I am happy to say...improved tremendously because of it. He is done with the therapist now. I wouldn't hesitate one second to seek help if I were this couple.

Anonymous said...

No kids?
No nookie, lots of lookie!!!
Seriously, he is a rookie, get out of there cookie!!!!

Anonymous said...

Are you fat? Be honest.
Unless you're totally hot I'd assume he's gay or only attracted to the hottest of hot chicks.

Take the offer. Go fuck the biggest dick on the sexiest man you can find and enjoy yourself until hubby weirds out and changes his mind. If he never gets jealous?... well I don't know what to think of that. Open relationships.. bad for some, great for others.

Anonymous said...

"Friends & Neighbors" Arron Eckhart portrays a man who says nothing is better than masturbation and does it while his wife sleeps in bed with him. Maybe you should rent it just as a movie night thing, then when it gets to that scene you can watch your husbands reaction or ask him if that's what he does.

Anonymous said...

Men like to fidgit with their penises. Whenever no one is looking men are touching themselves. It's like extended foreplay. I suggest you go for a drive with you as the driver, maybe down a country road or hwy. Tell your husband to take his pants off and put them in the back seat and tell him to show you his hard-on. This way he can "fidgit" without you. Don't reach over, claim you have to keep your hands on the wheel. This might make him more comfortable to just fidgit at home. He can only fidgit for so long before he finally asks you to join in.

Anonymous said...

You have kids?

Then their happiness and well being comes before your orgasms. And their happiness and well being will not be benefited by mom becoming the town slut.

Buy a vibrator and stop being so fucking selfish.

Anonymous said...

have him see a holistic health doctor. my hubby had lack of interest in sex and erectile dysfunction. the regular docs said his testosterone level was 'within normal'. turns out there are 2 kinds of testosterone. get both measured.....sex is important but it is not everything. our sex life improved once hubby began getting testosterone in cream form and using viagra.
sex is very life-affirming but it is not everything.

Anonymous said...

I had this problem-in a way-with my ex. Our sex got down to maybe once a year. For a while he blamed it on problems with his job. Finally, he becomes HIV+. Turns out that he is gay, although he said he was bi. I found out from some one else that he was a sex addict which really confused me looking at our sex life and that not only was he having gay sex but sex with other women. I would say that lack of sex is a sign of big problems and that usually it means that the man is gay. Just my guess.

Anonymous said...

I'm gay and don't have sex much with my gay partner after 15 years, it's just boring. I guess this makes me gay?...hey wait a minute??? If men could read the same porn mag over and over, then Playboy would have been out of business after the first issue.

Daniel B. said...

okay, i'm not going to read 122 comments so if i'm repeating, sorry. open relationships can either save or break your marriage you just need to follow some rules, i've done it and have also been the third brought into a couple situation so i know what you're going to not want to do and what you are going to want to do. first, the don'ts
1. don't get a regular guy, that can lead to clinginess and a growing fondness that can lead to ruin your/your husbands relationship (it's sucky to find someone different every time but if you want just sex it's the best way, no emotions are involved.
2. no kissing. whatsoever. it helps keep it purely carnal and that way you have at least that with only your hubby.
3. don't talk about what you've done with other sex partners w/ spouse, and don't ask/answer the "did you like it" question it will only lead to thoughts of doubt and whether or not you/he are lacking somewhere
4. DO be honest with each other everytime you do go to have sex. don't say you're going to bunco when you're going to go boink instead. lying leads to distrust and doubt and eventually to spite and fighting.

you can make this work as long as you sit down and communicate and set down ground rules (no selfish rules either) and follow them.
good luck!

Dr Contin Xyo said...

i had some problems in the bed room as well until my wife told me
Buy viagra and i must say it did work wonders for our love life. you should try it.