Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Hot as balls.


I love that phrase. I don't even have balls, but I can certainly imagine the suffering of men who get those things stuck to their thighs in the hot, hot heat. It's not a nice thing to think about. And let me tell you this: It's hot as balls in Vernazza today, and everyone's junk is in a pinch. There's no avoiding it.

Despite some of you telling me that my luggage situation wouldn't work, I am delighted to report that this ain't my first time at the rodeo. It was a breeze and I made it through without checking bags.

Milan is a dump. I spent one night there and felt like clawing my way out. Get me ON THE TRAIN. A train to anywhere but here. You know that big famous duomo in Milan? It's gorgeous, but guess what everyone is cropping out of the pictures? A gigantic Times-Square-like LCD screen with ads running on it. Italy, I thought we talked about this... you're not supposed to modernize in garish ways... that's what Americans are supposed to do. You're supposed to stay the same and never change. Keep it classy, Italy.

Other questions I just saw require follow up. I have angry Germans staring at me while I type this at the internet cafe (to their credit they are in a LINE glaring at me, so that's one redeeming thing. Germans and Americans are the only ones who know how to get in a line. I am talking to YOU Italians and French at the Manarola boat today....)

Make up: Great Lash (of course), Nars lip gloss in... I dunno, actually, but it's the best. I will get the name later if you care. Small powder compact, blush, liquid eyeliner, Stila lipstick, MAC concealer. That's about it, but that's all I ever really wear.

The dresses. Yes, I know I brought 4 and they are all black. As I mentioned, it's hot as balls here and the dresses are perfect because they are both breezy, and they don't show stains, so I can sit on a dirty bench or dusty rocks while I wait for the boat, and it's no big deal. Today I am wearing cuffed up jeans and a white tunic with jingly-jangling gold bracelets and gold hoops. And I did the walk from Riomaggiore to Manarola in this get-up because, well, it's hot as balls and I am going to sweat in anything I could possibly wear, so why not. Once on the boat, it was so windy it was good to be wearing jeans, actually.

The BEST thing I packed so far, however, was this wispy-thin swim cover-up from anthropology. Good over a suit, and good over a tank. Just plain good. And it's not black. So, you know, bonus points for breaking the mold with that one.

Alright. The Germans are about to declare war on me, and you know how THAT goes.

More later.

39 comments:

Lovely Little Nest said...

haha, you are hilarious AND inspiring :)

KatieBabie said...

Ah... i feel like i am righ thtere with you on your vaca! I am still "not" jealous at all that you are there right now! :) thanks for taking a few minutes to share with us! Buon Giorno! Ciao Bella! Have a beautiful day!

Postcards and Coasters said...

I love Vernazza (thats where we stayed)! I'm with you... I was ready to get out of Milan as soon as I arrived. We drove through it which made it worse. Although I did like the roof walk at the Duomo.

Don't miss Lake Como. One of my favorite places!

Ivy Lane said...

Somethin' tells me those Germans got nothin' on you!!! Keep the great stories coming!

Nikki said...

I was also surprised to see how the italians do not drive in a line either! All over the road. I'd rather be as hot as balls and be where you are. *jealousy rages*

KT said...

HAHA. Glad it's going well in Italy. I'm totally packing the way you did the next time I go to Europe. Lugging luggage up and down hills and around cobble stone streets is a bitch. Can't wait to hear more from you!

Katie F. said...

LOL you're really funny! You might be my new favorite blogger! :)

Enjoy Italy!!

Lee Beth said...

That's such a great picture

Gina @ The Shabby Chic Cottage said...

Sounds like you're having a great time, despite the temperature and Germans. Can't wait to hear more!

Anonymous said...

oh my gosh, miss you and was so happy to see this post! great that you're having so much fun, and haven't melted YET in the italian sun.

living vicariously! have fun!

Hanako66 said...

oh I am so jealous!

Anonymous said...

i love you.

paola said...

Ahh you lucky lady! I absolutely loved Cinque Terra & stayed in Vernazza one of those rickety little apartments (bathtub & sink were synonymous if you know what I mean) but it was the location of a great blooming romance for me so it will always hold a place in my heart. Note, do not miss the train home if you're out late drinking & in one of the other cinque terra towns. We did that & were told by a local that we could walk home along the cliffside in 30 - LIE! It took us 3 hours of stumbling drunkenly along the mountainside with only the moon & the light of a cellphone guiding us. Regardless, it was an adventure I'll never forget, can't wait to hear all your stories!

the sweet life with olives said...

you crack me up. i'm so excited to follow your dry takes on the country that i live in:-) i'm with you on the dear italy letter about keeping it classy. in some corners they still manage. rome (my town) for example, more provincial but with more integrity. the coast, gorgeous... enjoy your journey and whenever possible, keep the posts coming!

FROM THE RIGHT BANK said...

I hope it cools down some for you. If it makes you feel any better, it's just as hot at home right now. We're talking heat wave. Also, I would have packed pretty much the same things as you. I can go away for a month with a carry on - it's one of my few talents. Have a fantastic trip.

Julia said...

That post is awesome! Screw the Germans.

joanny said...

I kept laughing to myself as I read your blog today about the Germans getting 'angry with you and the scene from the movie Under The Tuscan Sun pops into my mind when the German Woman says --- "You greedy Americans. You think you're so entitled. You ruin everything.
Frances: A lot of us feel really badly about that.
--- Let them wait---
Here in the North West we are having beautiful warm sunny days....
Joanny

CDS said...

Enjoying the blog!

Anonymous said...

Your post is too funny!! Love it. I feel like I'm sitting in the cafe with you. The whole line thing, what is up with that. I went to Norway several years ago and I couldn't believe how it seems to be every man for themselves, when it would be so simple and democratic to just get in a line. Best of luck on the reat of your trip. I very much enjoyed your post!!

hunkate said...

be careful: my friend kept saying "hot as balls" and "that sucks balls" while studying in france a few years ago, and all our scandinavian friends apparently thought of us as "the balls girls."
not good.

Kwana said...

Oh I can just see you now. Well, not really since I don't know what you look like but it all sounds fab. "Hot as balls" is my new favorite phrase. Too funny and I just did an Anthro post. Have fun!

Delectable Swank said...

Hot weather and sticky balls, what could possibly be worse? Yes, it is times like these that I am glad I am a woman!

penelopebianchi said...

Well hello!

So far you get an A+!! On every single thing!
You have style and flourish! And courage and; my most favorite.....decisiveness!

You will have such a much better time not worrying about luggage.

Bravo! Can't wait to hear what you like....and don't like......

I will take to heart. Isn't it so sad that so much of the world is being wrecked. Just plain wrecked.
XXOO

Penelope

Julia said...

Wow, that photo is amazing.

Sounds like you're enjoying yourself despite the heat, line crashers and glaring Germans.

How's the food? Had any incredible meals yet?

Katie said...

I hope you met Mossimo at the Blue Marlin in Vernazza -- he'll pinch your ass if you're not careful -- and Hector the bartender -- who you wish would pinch your ass, because well, he's hot as balls too.

And the only good thing about Milan is 10 Corso Como, hope you stopped in the upstairs bookshop (some of the best design books ever).

Susan Lang @ Designing Your Dream Home said...

I so needed and so enjoyed the humor in your post! I don't know when or where I will use your phrase "Hot as Balls" but it will definitely be repeated!

Kevin said...

Strictly speaking, balls do not stick to our manly thighs in the heat. They get sweaty, which makes them slippery. It is not only true of me. I did an exhaustive survey after reading this post.

Don't believe me? Ask the dishes.

Anonymous said...

I want to get drunk with Penelope, to see if she starts sounding like George Will.

s. said...

Whoooooa, Nelly! You never told us about/ posted a photo of a "wispy-thin swim cover-up from anthropology," missy. Get on it, stat. Disapproving Germans be damned; we need to see that cover-up.

penelopebianchi said...

NOW THAT IS HILARIOUS!

If I got drunk.. with you..I think I would sound.. like Holden Caulfield........hardly George Will!! Ot perhaps Huckleberry Finn!
Here is an idea......you stop calling yourself Anonymous.....and i will research George Will ...And try to figure out what the heck you mean!

Penelope

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for taking the time to keep us updated -- Love hearing your take on things! Have a wonderful time!!!

mosey said...

ha! this is hilarious. I love your Italy stories!

Anonymous said...

Penelope,

Did you start life as a man? I am not judging. To me, it would only increase your excellence. I'm picturing a tall, brooding gentleman, with a strong prominent nose... Perhaps a mathematician, perhaps a physicist, one who yearned secretly, achingly, for a life of aesthetics and womanly grace...

Botany's Desire said...

Thanks for the good laugh. I needed that tonight. Also, thanks for the insight I will feel much more prepared on my next visit.

Michele said...

uhhhh, actually it was the British that invented (and maintain I might add) standing in line.....but it is called queueing. So glad you have taken civilization to the steamy latin lands.
And regarding the luggage - you still have to get back!

Anonymous said...

I'm heading to Croatia as well as Italy in four weeks and will be attempting to follow your packing guidelines. Attempting is the key word there. Heh.

P.S Would love to see pics of what kind of lbds you packed.

Ciao bella!

jenny said...

Great! Enjoying the holiday posts.
Can we see pics of the wardrobe items? i want this capsule wardrobe thing and I have to see it

jenny said...

Oh, and milan. Just me and the prosttutes on the street when i arrived in the midafternoon on a hot day. lovely welcome to the city.

sioux city cars said...

Ew. I actually never thought guys had that problem.