Friday, September 25, 2009

The accountants of Cleaning.

So, we are finally hiring someone to clean our house. She speaks Spanish and I don't, sadly, so I just used Google translator to type up something to help me explain what I would like her to do and what she can ignore, and Google whipped up a nice chunk of Spanish to help me explain.

But then I thought, “What if Google translator is crap?” So, I popped the Google Spanish translation into Yahoo’s translation tool and this is what I got:



Hello! I have used an Internet translator to help to write this so that I could do a better work to explain, since nothing spoke of Spanish I feel (it). Here I am the type of work would like to do: Kitchen: The accountants of Cleaning (the marble scratches very easily, so please he has well-taken care of) He cleans the cabinets He cleans to the refrigerator every two weeks To sweep/to trapear the floor He cleans the windows To clean the windows To eliminate the dust and the spiderwebs of the ceiling Of emptiness of the blue chair (the dog and is used east hair in him) Bathroom: Mop floors It cleans and it disinfects the toilet and the washbasin Cleaning of the mirror To clean the bathtub The tiles of the bath are terrible. Sometimes they fall (that glides to remodelar the bathroom of the next year), so if that happens, one does not worry. We can fix it. Room, dining room, recibidor, office and room of television: To sweep/RP Dust It cleans the windows It inhales the carpet of cow skin Of emptiness of the sofa (the hair of dog in her is put) In the future it would like, us that to the emptiness and the dust of the floor of above also, but at the moment it is not necessary because is a disaster and we are on the verge of making some renovations. In the future, it wishes also, it can change it the bed clothes, but that are not necessary now. Not even necessity to raise until we make the remodeling. How it would like that it was pleased? Money in cash or check? In order to do this work every two weeks - How much it will cost? In order to do this work to the week - how much it will cost?

55 comments:

HOBAC said...

Until you know she knows what she is doing, get rid of abrasive cleansers, scouring pads, metal polish, and anything that contains bleach.

Decorno said...

So true.

Anonymous said...

Oh my.

Anonymous said...

I guess I am just chock full of random nosy questions. When you find out how much she is going to charge you, will you post it. Or if others have cleaning ladies...

How often do they come?

Size of house?

$$$?

For the record:

Mine comes weekly
4400 sq. ft.
5 human occupants, 4 canine occupents
$150.- per week

Anonymous said...

oh, and she is AWESOME, treats my house better than we do.

Eileen said...

I've always wondered about online translations, but never guessed it would be that amusing!

Alice said...

Good lord. I just about spit out my pinot grigio while reading this, I was laughing so hard. (Yes, it's daytime.)

Fantastic.

Maybe you should find a Spanish-speaking friend to explain what you want before the woman starts inhaling the carpet of cow skin and putting the hair of dog in the sofa.

Elizabeth said...

That is too funny. I have a great gal that comes in everyother week. She charges $90 and is here for about an hour and a half with a helper. My house is about 1000 sf. I think it's a little high but I trust her so much it's worth it. I can leave the key under the mat and a check on the table. Oh and I love the smell of the clean chemicals when I get home. I'd like to say that I want to be green and all...but there's just something about the clean bleachy chemical smell that does it for me.

Elizabeth said...

Decorno - I your gal doesn't work out, I have one for you. I told my husband that I would never get rid of her.

$90 for an hour and a half w/helper.

1000sf house.

Everyother week.

sketch42 said...

Holy Shit! Im cracking up. I have a spanish speaking housekeeper, marble kitchen and a cowhide. I learned spanish FAST! Buy Household Spanish, a dictionary for exactly this purpose, it will help.

Dont worry, you will figure it out.

sketch42 said...

You guys are getting ripped off. 90 for an hour and a half? Thats 60 an hour. I live in NYC and the highest anyone pays is $20 an hour.

Decorno said...

Yeah, someone at work just told me that she pays about $20/hr, too.

What is everyone else paying? And why am I only hiring someone now??? Jesus. I have cleaned too many toilets. I didn't realize everyone else had a cleaning lady.

Oonafey said...

It rubs the lotion on it's skin...

Sara @ Russet Street Reno said...

Um, I just got in trouble at work laughing at this 'translation'. Priceless! I will never be un-cheap enough to pay someone to clean. That's what my man is for. Yeah, I'm the slob.

Decorno said...

Oonafey, I thought that, too! "It sucks the hair out... It removed the cobwebs." Creepy.

Dicey1 said...

OMG! This is a keeper...been laughing so hard it's got my hubby thinking I've finally lost my last marble. LMAO!!!

je dois said...

Wow! This is exactly what I do every Tuesday. She does a great job I have referred her to my friends. She will try to put everything in the washing machine or dishwasher though, so I clean the German knives and non-stick pans before I leave the house and leave sticky "no lavanda" notes on the cushion covers.

JJ said...

I just hired a new lady + crew. She brings all her own supplies. $90 for probably 2 hours. The last people were $100 for about 1.5 hours and they scratched my brand new hardwoods + broke a glass vase (And just threw it away! We accidentally discovered it when we were separating out all the recycling they put in our trash can.)

Decorno said...

JJ - do they come weekly?

Anonymous said...

ooo, please post the spanish (intermediate) version that google made out of your english....perhaps spanglophiles (??) could let us know if it is equally as hilarious.

I think google translate is the bomb -- i have a 'working' ability to read french or german, which comes in very handy for some of the research i do at work, but it sooooo much easier to cut and paste foreign texts into g.t. and get the englisk to skim instead. it additionally gifts me with an added bonus of humor normally not seen in chemistry journals...

Anonymous said...

this one is the excrement thing funnier than I have seen this week! hope you can find a true person that she speaks Spanish, makes this cagar don' work of t…

Anonymous said...

okay, here's what you do: it works for me and it would have been amazing if it existed a few years ago--


http://www.123teachme.com/learn_spanish/house_cleaning

Sam1069 said...

OMG! I'm laughing so hard that I'm crying. I made my husband read it and now we're both laughing our as*@# off!

Laura @ the shorehouse. said...

I just snortled at the translation.

Am very jealous of Anon 1:59...I pay $125 (in outer boroughs of NYC) for a 2 BR with 2 peeps and a mutt. Wah WAH. That said, she camps out for hours and cleans like there's no tomorrow.

David said...

Oonafey beat me to it.

Ours is 75 every other week, 2 hours, 1500 sq. ft. And American, so notes are easy.

JJ said...

She will come every week if I want it. Are you saying my house is so dirty I need it every week, you bitch?!?!? You're right, of course.

She's awesome. Rescues cats and pitbulls. Picked up my biting chihuahua and scooped him onto her hip as she opened my fridge and said, "this isn't bad. I will clean the cracks for you."

devon spec said...

LOL!!!! that is the 2nd most hysterical thing i've seen all day.

it's nice that you have money to hire a housekeeper though. i wish we did.

Sacheverelle said...

All those Spanish tenses don't translate well into English, I guess. This is the funniest thing I've read all week.
"The tiles of the bath are terrible. Sometimes they fall..so if that happens, one does not
worry. We can fix it."

LMAO every time I read it.

Anonymous said...

HOBAC has a point, but if you have checked her references or know people who have used her, it would be insulting and counter-productive to hide cleaning products and say: "We'll let you have scouring pads when you've proved to us you won't use them on the oil painting."

The Chick said...

hahaha that is so silence of the lambs, do you think Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb used google translator too?

Anonymous said...

I have to say that getting a cleaning person is the best investment I ever made in my mental health. Coming home to a CLEAN HOUSE makes me happy. Every time.

There is ALOT I will cut back on before I give that up.

slag said...

Google translator creates the best beat poems ever.

-the ceiling Of emptiness of the blue chair

Laura Zeck said...

This is the best thing I have read all week. In fact, I think I will run everything I wrote this week through both of those tools and see if I make more sense with a bit of translation help! Thanks for sharing!

Laura Zeck said...

That is the BEST thing I have read all week. I am now going to run all that I have written this week through to see if I might make more sense with a little translation...
Thanks for sharing!

Anonymous said...

I was headed for a break-up before we hired a house cleaner. Worth every penny.

Anonymous said...

Decorno - this is what you need: Spanish Housekeeper Cards. Saw these at a fancy schmancy grocery in Houston.

Decorno said...

Thank you. They seem pretty efficient and helpful. But I think I would feel awful using them. Like I have reduced us both to... flash cards.

You know, she's kind of putting me to work. When she arrived yesterday to scope it out and give me a quote, she told me I didn't have what she needed. Apparently, owning a jug of bleach and 1 spray bottle of "green" cleaner is not enough to clean a house. Who knew? So she stood here with me, on my computer, telling me what to buy (amen for Amazon Fresh. Cold steaks and $50 of cleaning supplies were on my doorstep before dawn).

And this morning, she came back to clean. We left to go adopt a new pug (don't ask... we didn't get him. We are all heartbroken). So back at the house she was still cleaning. I had to buy a Swiffer and she handed it to me to figure out. The think takes batteries, who knew? She laughed at it. Or maybe at me. I am not sure.

And she handed me the bathroom garbage can and asked, "You want to throw away?" No, I want it clean. But I couldn't say that. She looked at years of weird stuff stuck to the sides and a few committed pieces of petrified gum, clinging to the sides, and they stuck the can at me as if to say, "I will keep it clean, but you need to own this situation you've let build up for 4 years."

I just finished cleaning it and hosing it out in the backyard. I have now escaped to the neighborhood coffee shop to avoid additional "jobs"...and shame.

laurajane said...

I'm a little late to the game, but I too laughed and laughed. We've been on the fence re: hiring a cleaning person, after reading the comments I know we need one (ps. totally have petrified gum in our garbage cans too!)

sketch42 said...

Does no one else buy little clear garbage bags for their bathroom garbage cans? I mean, the idea of having to touch the shit that goes in their ever again is so gross!
INVEST in some!

Is she going to do laundry too? Because that should take more than two hours no matter what, so I dont get how the house keepers are finishing in less than that.

If I were you, I would follow her around and teach her how you want things done for the first few days at least, and then you will feel more confident leaving her alone with your stuff.

Good Luck!

mariana said...

I was an exchange student so i really know what it means to try to comunicate and not been able to. write your instructions, email them to me and i will traslate for you. Since working it´s a great way to learn, in a few months she will be able to speak more and you will learn some spanish.

erika said...

this is absolutely hilarious. i've used www.freetranslation.com but NEVER thought to put it back in and translate it back to English!

Anonymous said...

CLEANING SUPPLIES 101

I don't use green cleaners. They seem weak. I'm sorry, they just do.

For general, routine cleaning, all you really need are:

Soft Scrub

Windex/Glass Plus

maybe some Bon Ami scouring powder.

Oven cleaner is all right (the non-toxic stuff), but you'd be surprised how much you can get off the walls of an oven with just a scouring pad and powder.

Very, very occasionally some bleach, diluted, if there's a situation that needs disinfecting, but most of that you can take care of those just as well with Soft Scrub. (There's a formulation with bleach built in, but my cleaning lady doesn't dig it.)

White vinegar (the clear stuff) will get rid of mineral deposits on things that have water in them for long periods (animal water bowls, e.g.)

And if you have pets, get some Nature's Miracle or another enzyme-based stain remover.

If you have metal, get a good metal polisher (but try to live with patina on brass and not polish it away unless you start getting pitting).

For wood furniture, a good paste wax like Johnson's. It will have mild detergents built in. DO NOT use Murphy's Oil soap on wood furniture; it can undermine the finish. (A furniture restorer told me that.)

You don't need things like Pledge; just a good rag (an old soft undershirt) and a little muscle power will get rid of dust. Or vacuum it up, with an attachment that has soft bristles that won't scratch.

Christmas bonus: An extra paycheck. (e.g., if you pay her $100 each time, give her $100--in cash)

Anonymous said...

My house is 3.200 square feet. I pay $85 a cleaning. My maid comes every other week. She is amazing and I can't imagine not having her.

Anonymous said...

Anon 8:45:

Did you see the Sex In the City episode where Charlotte asks Samantha "Are we supposed to call her 'the maid'?

I would actually love to have a maid, because I am a secret slob. What I have is is cleaning lady. I tidy up before she arrives so that she can actually do what I am paying her for - which is to clean. I really do not expect her to hang up all the clothes on the floor, or put all the caps back on on all the bottles and tubes in the bathroom. If your gal DOES do that stuff, I guess you do have a maid.

i suwannee said...

our lady is amazing. she comes every other week, $75, about 2000 sq. feet.

and she brings ALL of her supplies - doesn't use ANY of mine. even brings her own vacuum and mop.

Anonymous said...

It made me laugh so hard! Thank you decorno.

Anonymous said...

I already new what fun was to be had with google translate (just read all the eBay descriptions sellers from China post...) but I never tried translating it back again... Great trick to remember for a drunken night on the couch with a few girlfriends!

Interesting to see how things are done in the States. Cleaning ladies in the US are earning good money! On the other hand - they probably deserve it, if I read what they do... Here it's often Moroccan ladies that clean (and no berber arabic flash cards or handy 'arabic in and around the house' books available...). You usually pay 12-15 euros per hour (of course, the better cleaners command 15 or maybe even up to 17,50 an hour!) and then you decide how long they work... most people I know have a cleaner come in once every 2 weeks (every week if they have more than 1 kid) for about 2 hours - enough time to do kitchen, bathroom, toilets, and floors and/or dusting. You don't just give them a Xmas bonus, you pay them holiday money, too, which means if she comes every week and goes on holiday for three weeks, you pay her for those three weeks. Most people gladly do so - having a good, TRUSTWORTHY cleaninglady is worth A LOT.
My upstairs neighbour cleans and she has had a former customer at her door begging her to come work for her again. Seriously! But she is just to busy to accept more customers. Maybe I should consider a career change....

Brilliant Asylum said...

It puts the lotion in the basket. Oh my god, I am crying.

jessica said...

google translator is the worst! As a native Spanish speaker, it's always funny, and obvious, to read when someone uses it.

Anonymous said...

Omilord, I just laughed so hard my man actually looked over from the Yankees game.

Alycia Wicker said...

Oh, I love how there is the reference to "it" all over the place! I didn't know Cousin It was a house cleaner!

Allen said...

It's a little sad, the emptiness of the blue chair, the emptiness of the floor of above, also the emptiness of the sofa. Very Ingmar Bergman! And how interesting to learn that dust inhales the carpet of cow skin.

I'm just back from a multi-nation trip, and am mortified now at everything I tried to say to native speakers :.\

Anonymous said...

oh this was hilarious, thanks. it sounded like some of the spam i get. it has little blue pill for its wooden parts, blah blah. and i've heard if you inhale the carpet of cow skin, it makes you clean like a fiend! just sayin...

Julie said...

OH my. I laughed out loud. A lot.... hahahha.

Sonya said...

that had me laughing out loud